“Crap.”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. I just need to go to the bathroom.”
I hurried off as Sophie muttered, “You don’t have to advertise number two, Jenna. Just go.”
My pace slowed as I neared his aisle, my head carefully peeking around the abundance of pink lilies on the end cap. My heart quickened, the back of my neck feeling hotter. But he wasn’t there.
But I know I saw him! I’d recognize that shaggy, dirty-blond hair anywhere. I continued walking down the main aisle, checking left and right for him. Nothing but women; others like us probably choosing their wedding scheme. I sighed in frustration, my heart trying to come down from beating itself into a frenzy.
Maybe my head’s just screwing with me. Whether he was here or not, I knew it was a dream ‘cause Thanksgiving was last week, and Robert and I had been home for several days now. I was not in Philadelphia with Sophie choosing flowers. She hadn’t even gotten that far into her planning yet.
My shoulders slumped in defeat, and I berated myself for feeling that disappointment. Why was my heart racing to see Evan anyway? It had better been a freak out over seeing him and nothing more.
I spun and jumped out of my skin, just shy of ramming Evan. His hair was a little longer than the last time I saw him, and he still rocked that sexy, messy bed-head look. His eyes were still as gorgeous as ever, the gold in the center of his hazel eyes really lighting up from the sunbeams squeezing through the sky windows.
Wait. Sunbeams? Two seconds ago it was on the verge of a blizzard. Freakin’ dream. How in the hell he’d always managed to take over certain elements in my dream was beyond me. And of course, he wasn’t dressed for the cold weather, bumming out in a t-shirt, cut-off cargos and flip-flops.
Unfortunately, I was still dressed in a long sleeved shirt and jeans, and this room was getting way too hot. I tugged at the neck of my shirt, trying to create some type of airflow to my chest, where beads of sweat were trying to bubble out. Surely my cheeks were flushed too.
He looked at me curiously, cocked his head and said, “Jenna?”
Crap, crap, crap, crap!
“Uh, yeah. Hey. Evan, right?” I asked casually, faking nonchalance, stepping back to give us some degree of separation.
He nodded. “Wow. That really was you. I haven’t seen you in forever.”
A year and a half actually. At least this time he didn’t think his name was Chance. But this was bad. If he was manipulating the scene around me, then he really was inside my dream right now. And that meant… “Oh, shit, Evan. What the hell did you do to land yourself here?”
My panic confused him, stunned him a little. “What am I doing here?” He repeated, his eyes beginning to sweep the aisles of flowers. “I know I’m not typically hanging out in a flower shop…and for the life of me can’t remember why I came here in the first place…but…”
I snapped my fingers in his face. “Evan, look at me. This is my dream. You’re not supposed to be here.”
That got a chuckle out of him. “Are you feeling okay, Jenna? You’re turning all red and speaking jibberish.”
“Well, that’s your fault.” My tone was so heated I was practically snapping at him. “I was having a nice winter dream and then you came along and made it feel like the freakin’ rainforest in here. So yeah, I’m a little hot right now.”
He scratched the back of his head, looking ready to bail on my crazy ass. “And how exactly did I do that?” he challenged.
“Evan. What month is it?”
“December.”
“Yeah. Look at what you’re wearing! Look out the freakin’ skylights!” I cried, thrusting my arm towards them in frustration. Apparently, I was a little too loud ‘cause it drew Sophie’s attention, who was now only three aisles away as she browsed the flowers.
“Jenna!” she called. “What are you doing? Come on. You said you’d help me decide on the concept.”
“Alright,” I called back, only to placate her, ‘cause I knew this wasn’t real. When I turned back to Evan, his head was bent over, his thumb and middle finger pressing hard as he stroked his brows back and forth.
I gasped shakily. “What’s wrong?”
He lifted his head towards me, looking tired and sick. “I don’t know. I just have a really bad headache.”
I reached for his shoulder, my attempt to comfort him without too much physical contact. “Something happened to your head, right? Can you remember?”
His mouth opened as his brain searched for the answer, but before he could tell me, he was gone. Like that crazy kid in Willy Wonka. One second he was there, the next, his body zapped into nothingness, leaving nothing but a set of heat waves that dissipated in two seconds.
Oh-my-God, Oh-my-God, OH-MY-GOD!
My lungs inhaled the largest breath ever. Suddenly I was screaming Evan’s name over and over again as I stumbled up and down the aisles, twisting every which way, desperately seeking him out, not caring that I was knocking over the fake dream goers. There was this hollowness inside my heart, and it began to whimper with the realization that no matter how loud I screamed, or how far I ran, Evan wasn’t coming back.
3
I’d been pacing in my kitchen for ten minutes now, eyeing the slick black phone on the island warily. My insides were twisting with anxiety, and as hard as my hands were digging into my hips, it’s a wonder they hadn’t left permanent indentations yet.
I’d been freakin’ out for hours since I woke up in a panic. I tried falling back to sleep, just to see if he’d reappear again, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t fall under again. My brain was going crazy trying to figure out if that was really him, and if it was, what his abrupt departure could mean. He’d never left like that before. It was always under my control, as he just stayed until I woke up, minus that time he walked out on me. But he literally walked away that night. There was never a POOF! And that’s what had me incredibly worried. Did he…? I was too afraid to even say the word bouncing around in my mind.
Curse my stupidity for deleting Evan’s contact information. Having it wouldn’t have meant I was cheating on Robert. Evan didn’t even have mine, so it’s not like he could’ve called me. And now, here I was, needing it desperately and couldn’t call!
Well, at least not directly. But I could call his family’s home.
My palms flattened my cheeks, my fingers splayed across my eyes, allowing the tiniest of peep holes. God, what if Evan was fine and he was the one that answered? Then it’d look like I was trying to let him back in. And seriously, that’s the furthest thing from a good idea.
But there’s no rule saying who I could and couldn’t be friends with.
Seriously. Why was this such an issue? And why wouldn’t my foot stop tapping on the floor now that I was standing still? I was allowed to have friends. And there’s no reason I couldn’t check up on them every once in awhile. Right?
Ah, screw it.
I snatched the phone and dialed information, asking for the Gilden residence in Rutland, Vermont. Thank God there was only one. Daniel and Marie. My fingers actually trembled as I punched in the ten digits, but my heart really began to race once the phone began ringing on the other end, and for that split second when a woman’s voice said hello, I almost chickened out and hung up on her.
Of course Caller ID probably would’ve screwed me if I had. Freakin’ technology.
“Um. Hi! Hello.” Stupid, Jenna! Why not say it a third time in a foreign language? Then, with just one breath, I dimwittedly blabbered, “Uh, my name is Jenna and I’m a friend of Evan’s from high school and I seemed to have misplaced his number and I’d really like to catch up with him to see how he’s doing and I was wondering if I could get it from you guys.”
Ugh. I smacked my forehead. A hole. I needed a hole to bury myself in. Someplace I wouldn’t see the light of day for months. I was such an idiot!
“Ohhhh,” the woman lamented. “You must have heard about what happened to him.”
My chest suddenly ten times heavier, my hand felt for the seat of the barstool, confirming the route my body needed to fall to avoid crashing on the floor. “I heard a rumor that he may have been hurt. Was he?”
The woman sighed, and when she spoke again, I realized her voice was probably too mature to be Evan’s mom. “Yes. I’m afraid he had an accident playing soccer. He hit his head on the goal somehow, and is still unconscious.”
I gasped, my free hand suddenly splayed across my chest. “Oh, I am so sorry!” I stood and began pacing again, my head thrown back and my hand smothering my eyes and forehead. “I can’t believe he hit his head again. Is he at the hospital in Rutland?” Please say yes. The nurses there would totally tell me everything.
“No, he got sent to Mount Nittany Medical Center.”
“Mount Nittany. That’s Penn State, right?”
“That’s right.” Her mouth must have drifted away from the phone, ‘cause the next thing I heard was a quiet, “What?” and a calming, “No, dear.” A young girl’s voice muffled something in the background and the woman replied, “I’m sure he’s alright. Your parents will call as soon as they know something.
“I’m sorry,” she said, returning her attention to me. “My granddaughter Maddy comes running every time she hears the phone now. She’s so worried about her big brother.”
Me too. A second head injury explained how he drifted into my dream again, but it’s the last thing I wanted for him. Relief flooded me when I realized she hadn’t been told that he’d died, so he must be okay, albeit unconscious. But I had to make sure he found his way back out again. “I’m sure he’ll be okay. Evan’s quite the survivor. But can I get his number from you? I’d like to give him a call once he’s up to talking.”
“I don’t see why not. It’ll be good for him to hear from some of his friends right now. What’s your name dear?”
“Jenna. Jenna Baker.”
“Well Jenna, I’ll be sure to tell his family you called. I know they’ll appreciate it.”
When I got off with Evan’s grandmother, I tried the number she gave me for Evan’s cell, but surprise, surprise, it went straight to voice mail. I called information for the number to the hospital, and of course got nowhere. As expected, they had no information to offer people that called over the phone, and when I asked to be connected to the room phone, the operator told me they didn’t have them in the ICU rooms.
ICU?! Oh, nooooo… No, no, no, no, no!
Why did this guy always have to cause me anxiety and abnormal heart palpitations? What did I do that earned me an indefinite mind tether every time he bumped his head? I had to make this stop. I had to. I couldn’t live my entire life with Evan just popping in and out of the blue. Shouldn’t I get a say in this? It was hard enough letting him go the first time, but to have him appear out of thin air and make me worry about him all over again? To play with my emotions like that? That’s so not freakin’ fair!
Oh, who was I kidding? Evan wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t his fault we had some unexplainable bond after supposedly connecting in between here and the afterlife. But seriously, if this was something that was gonna continue on until one of us actually died for real, then there had to be some ground rules in play. Like if you find yourself drifting through my dreams, keep to yourself!
I wondered if he even remembered last night. He didn’t before, though later he said I seemed familiar. It’s why I absolutely had to cut off all contact. If he ever began to remember our time together, and what we had… No, I couldn’t even think that way. I was with Robert. I loved Robert. And I wasn’t gonna let Evan screw this up for me a second time.
Groan…my insides were doing that awful twisting thing again. Deep down I knew there was still a smidgen of love for Evan. I’d be heartless if there weren’t. But I thought I had buried all that a long time ago. Now this dream had allowed the memory of us to slip through the cracks of all the walls I used to barricade it deep into my brain.
And I was worried about him. Really worried. I had a few days until my next class, and Robert was gonna be gone that long for that Bucknell Invitational swim meet anyway. I could totally take a bus to Penn State and try to find his family at the hospital. I’d bet they’d try to let me see him. If not, at least tell me everything going on, especially once I mention I helped care for him during his first hospital stay. And if I could get in good with the family, maybe I could get them to keep me informed of how he was doing. ‘cause if he suddenly dropped from my dreams again, no way I wasn’t gonna panic myself to death worrying if he woke up or passed away.
Good Lord. Why couldn’t I just have a normal life like everyone else?
I stuffed my backpack with all the necessities for my road trip: snacks, a couple bottles of water, a change of clothes just in case, one of those dirty novels with the embarrassing covers I liked to read, my phone and wallet, and the mp3 player Robert got me and showed me how to use (complicated little thing…). I did have Robert’s little black Infiniti since I dropped him off at the team’s bus, but I really didn’t wanna leave it at the bus depot, and no way was I gonna drive all the way to Pennsylvania and back. I looked it up. It’s a six hour trip both ways and I wasn’t that experienced of a driver. I knew the bus would take a lot longer, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about falling asleep on the road or wrecking the car.
Wouldn’t that be a lot of fun to explain? Especially once his mother found out. She disliked me enough without feeding her ammunition. She was like a piranha in a tank of goldfish.