She gave a harsh laugh, and the anger sounded weird coming from someone as gentle as Zoe. "Is that what you call it? You even said yourself that you were trying to get a promotion!"
I grimaced. Yes, I had said that. But I could hardly tell her the truth. No human knew the truth about why I'd helped Rose. Lying to my own kind - especially my sister - pained me, but there was nothing I could do. As usual, I felt trapped in the middle. So, I dodged the comment.
"You were never intended to be an Alchemist," I said. "There are better things for you out there."
"Because I'm not as smart as you?" she asked. "Because I don't speak five languages?"
"That has nothing to do with it," I snapped. "Zoe, you're wonderful, and you'd probably make a great Alchemist! But believe me, the Alchemist life...
you don't want any part of it." I wanted to tell her that she'd hate it. I wanted to tell her that she'd never be responsible for her own future or get to make her own decisions again. But my sense of duty prevented me, and I stayed silent.
"I'd do it," she said. "I'd help protect us from vampires... if Dad wanted me to." Her voice wavered a little, and I suddenly wondered what was really fueling her desire to be an Alchemist.
"If you want to get close to Dad, find another way. The Alchemist cause might be a good one, but once you're in it, they own you." I wished I could explain to her how it felt. "You don't want this life."
"Because you want it all for yourself?" she demanded. She was a few inches shorter than me but filled with so much fury and fierceness right now that she seemed to take up the room.
"No! I don't - you don't understand," I finally said. I wanted to throw my hands up in exasperation but held back, as always.
The look she gave me nearly turned me to ice. "Oh, I think I understand perfectly." She turned around abruptly and hurried out the door, still managing to move quietly. Her fear of our father overpowered her anger at me.
I stared at where she'd been standing and felt terrible. How could she have thought I was really trying to steal all the glory and make her look bad? Because that's exactly what you said, a voice inside me pointed out. I supposed it was true, but I'd never expected her to be offended. I'd never known she had any interest in being one of the Alchemists. Even now, I wondered if her desire was more about being a part of something and proving herself to our father than it was about really wishing she'd been chosen for this task.
Whatever her reasons, there was nothing to be done for it now. I might not like the heavy-handed way the Alchemists had dealt with me, but I still fiercely believed in what they were doing to protect humans from vampires. And I definitely believed in keeping Jill safe from her own people if it meant avoiding a massive civil war. I could do this job and do it well. And Zoe - she would be free to pursue whatever she wanted in life.
"What took you so long?" my father asked when I returned to the study. My conversation with Zoe had delayed me a couple minutes, which was two minutes too long for him. I didn't attempt to answer.
"I'm ready to go whenever you are," Keith told me. His mood had shifted while I was upstairs. Friendliness oozed from him now, so strongly that it was a wonder everyone didn't recognize it as fake. He'd apparently decided to try a more pleasant attitude around me, either in the hopes of impressing the others or sucking up to me so that I wouldn't reveal what I knew about him. Yet even as he wore that plastic smile, there was a stiffness in his posture and the way he crossed his arms that told me - if no else - that he was no happier about being thrown together than I was. "I can even do most of the driving."
"I don't mind doing my share," I said, trying to avoid glancing at his glass eye. I also wasn't comfortable being driven by someone with faulty depth perception.
"I'd like to speak to Sydney in private before she goes, if that's all right," my father said.
No one had a problem with that, and he led me into the kitchen, shutting the door behind us. We stood quietly for a few moments, simply facing each other with arms crossed. I suddenly dared to hope that maybe he'd come to tell me he was sorry for how things had been between us this last month, that he forgave me and loved me. Honestly, I would've been happy if he'd simply wanted a private, fatherly goodbye.
He peered down at me intently, his brown eyes so identical to mine. I hoped mine never had such a cold look in them. "I don't have to tell you how important this is for you, for all of us."
So much for fatherly affection.
"No, sir," I said. "You don't."
"I don't know if you can undo the disgrace you brought down on us by running off with them, but this is a step in the right direction. Do not mess this up. You're being tested. Follow your orders. Keep the Moroi girl out of trouble." He sighed and ran a hand through his dark blond hair, which I'd also inherited. Strange, I thought, that we had so many things in common... yet were so completely different. "Thank God Keith is with you. Follow his lead. He knows what he's doing."
I stiffened. There was that note of pride in his voice again, like Keith was the greatest thing walking the earth. My father had seen to it that my training was thorough, but when Keith had stayed with us, my father had taken him on trips and lessons I'd never been part of. My sisters and I had been furious.
We'd always suspected that our father regretted having only daughters, and that had been proof. But it wasn't jealousy that made my blood boil and teeth clench now.
For a moment, I thought, What if I tell him what I know? What will he think of his golden boy then? But staring into my father's hard eyes, I answered my own question: No one would believe me. That was immediately followed by the memory of another voice and a girl's frightened, pleading face staring at me with big brown eyes. Don't tell, Sydney. Whatever you do, don't tell what Keith did. Don't tell anyone. I couldn't betray her like that.
My father was still waiting for an answer. I swallowed and nodded. "Yes, sir."
He raised his eyebrows, clearly pleased, and gave me a rough pat on the shoulder. It was the closest he'd come to real affection in a while. I flinched, both from surprise and because of how rigid I was with frustration. "Good." He moved toward the kitchen door and then paused to glance back at me.