“Why?”
Barrow coughed. “Because I wouldn’t shame a maid by giving her a bastard child.”
“Oh.” Ember blushed again. Of course that was a risk, and if Barrow fathered a child, he’d likely be forced out of the Guard and into marriage. Father Michael had spoken of this very thing when she’d been called to the Guard.
“And while some noblewomen find dalliances with warriors a welcome distraction from their older husbands, I’m not flattered by such offers.” Barrow shifted his sword on his hip.
Though it all made sense, Ember remained unsettled. “Do you not care about the vow? If you wanted a lover, would you take one?”
“I don’t know,” he said, giving her a half smile. “I’ve never had to make that choice. I believe in the vows I made. And I honor them, but I don’t believe love is a sin. I keep the vow because it lends me focus and strength in battle. I simply don’t begrudge the happiness of those who follow a different path.”
Ember finally rose from her crouch, facing Barrow. Her heart skipped a beat when she met his eyes. To her chagrin, she once again found her gaze moving over the hard angles of his jaw and chin, the shape of his lips. It was no wonder noblewomen had tried to coax this warrior into their beds. The thought made her want to find a new target for her dagger.
Barrow’s expression changed, as if a cloud had passed over his face.
“If . . . if there is someone you wish to share your bed with . . .” His words carried an edge. “Sorcha could help you. There are herbs that reduce the chance you’ll become with child.”
She was so taken aback that it took her a moment to answer. “No!”
Her exclamation brought bewilderment to his eyes and she blushed.
“I mean . . . there is no one. That isn’t why I asked.” She kept her gaze on the waterfall, thinking that her mind felt too much like the tumbling river.
After an unbearable space of silence, Barrow cleared his throat. “We should make our way back to the keep. You still need to get some practice in with those weapons Morag crafted for you.”
Ember was grateful he turned his back because she was certain her own shock at the audacity of her examination and speculation about Barrow’s would-be lovers was written clearly on her face. Why would she even ponder such things? As her mentor, Barrow deserved her respect, and instead her mind drummed up fodder worthy only of gossiping, shrewish wives.
Shame-filled, Ember kept her distance as they made the slippery climb back up the falls. Barrow gave a short whistle, and a moment later Toshach and Caber appeared from within the forest’s shadows.
Ember watched as Barrow spoke softly to his horse and then swung into the saddle. She cringed when he noticed him scrutinizing her.
“I still believe you’re keeping something from me, Ember,” he said. “Your every move bespeaks worry. If you have other questions, you’d best ask them before we return to Tearmunn.”
She shook her head as she tightened Caber’s girth. “It’s nothing.”
He sighed. “I won’t press you, but I’d be lying if I claimed not to be saddened that I’ve not yet earned your trust.”
With a cluck of Barrow’s tongue Toshach was off at a trot, leaving Ember to stare after him, startled by his words. She cursed under her breath as she swung into the saddle. Urging Caber into a swift gait, she sought to catch him.
“Barrow!”
He pulled up at the edge of the forest. Toshach pranced, snorting and jerking at the reins.
Barrow patted the stallion’s neck. “What is it? He’s ready for a good run and I’m of a mind to let him go.”
Caber had picked up Toshach’s restlessness. Ember struggled to keep him checked.
“You have it,” she said through gritted teeth. The stallion was strong and he wanted to take the bit from her.
“I have what?” Barrow raised an eyebrow as he watched her fighting for control of her steed.
“My trust . . . gah!” Caber sprang forward, leaping onto the moor. He set out at a dead run, the bit firmly grasped in his teeth.
Ember righted herself in the saddle and hauled back on the reins. Despite throwing all her strength into the effort, Caber was aflame with his own power and paid her no heed. He bolted across the sodden ground, tearing up earth in great clods that flew out behind him. The wind burned Ember’s face and made her eyes water, blinding her. She could hear Barrow’s shouts at her back and the thunder of Toshach’s hooves as he chased her.
Caber ran as if the hordes of hell pursued him. Ember shouted, pleading with the stallion to slow. He ignored her, plunging on with a shrill whinny. At her wits’ end, Ember dropped the reins, throwing her body against Caber’s neck. She reached forward, grasping the bridle on either side of his mouth, and gave it a sharp jerk. At the same moment she shouted with all the breath in her lungs, “Stop!”
Startled by her shout and the new leverage against the bridle, Caber abruptly pulled up. His hooves slid along the wet ground, sending a shower of grass and soil in a cascade around them. While the horse had stopped, Ember did not. She catapulted over his neck and head, crashing to the ground on her back. The impact knocked her breath away. Stunned by the earth’s blow, she didn’t move but stared up at the flat, gray sky.
As she waited for air to fill her lungs again, Ember heard Barrow pull up. Curses spewed from his mouth as he berated Caber for his unbidden race toward home. Ember rolled onto her side. She knew she’d bruise but could sense no serious injury as she gingerly sat up. She finally drew a long breath, only to be horrified that it entered and left her as a shaking sob.
Tears streamed down her face. She wept angrily, rubbing at her traitorous eyes. First Alistair, and now she’d made a fool of herself by letting Caber run wild. How could she be a warrior if she couldn’t even control her own horse?
She hid her face in her palms when Barrow approached.
“Ember!” He knelt beside her. “Are you hurt?”
She tried to say no, but all that came out was a sob. Barrow’s face paled as he searched for signs of injury, while she carried on—a mess of shaking muscles and salty tears.
After a few minutes Barrow rocked back on his heels.
“Hush, little one.” He put his hands on her shoulders. “There’s no harm here. You’ve gotten a shock, that’s all.”