I imagine what it would have been like, waiting and waiting for someone to come and rescue you. Building fires, making smoke signals that disappeared into the clouds. How long could you have lived there, you with your navigator? Which one of you died first and had to mourn the other?
They’ve found artifacts on Gardner Island, which lies near Howland—the place you meant to land that morning, in the middle of the Pacific between Australia and Hawaii. They found pieces of Plexiglas that matched the kind on the windows of your plane, the heel of a shoe that could have belonged to you, bird bones and turtle bones, the remains of a fire, shards of Coke bottles that seemed as if someone had used them to boil water to drink. And then, most recently, they found four broken pieces of a jar, the shape and size of one used for a cream made to fade freckles in the era when you were alive. Everyone knew that you had freckles you wished you could erase. As I got dressed, I carried the thought of that little jar, left behind as evidence. It seems so vulnerable, compared to your brave face meeting the world.
At school this morning, everyone knew about Natalie and Hannah kissing at the party. I saw Hannah walking down the hall, and one of the soccer boys called out, “Yo, wanna have a threesome?” His friend said, “Four boobies are better than two.” I told them to shut up, and I tried to go over to Hannah, but she turned and rushed the other way.
In English, Natalie kept the hood of her hoodie on all through class, and when the bell rang, she hurried out before I could talk to her.
At lunch, our table was empty. I stood there for a minute, wondering where to go. Finally I went and sat by the fence, like I used to. I remembered watching the leaves fall from the trees at the beginning of the year and stared at the green buds starting to grow back now.
Then Sky walked up and handed me a pack of Nutter Butters. “Here,” he said. “I thought you might want this.”
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled at him. I took it, and he sat down next to me. I gave him half, and we just sat like that, crunching and not saying anything else.
After school, I called Aunt Amy and told her I had a study group and that I would get a ride home after. I stayed in the library alone for as long as I could, thinking about Natalie and Hannah, and thinking about May, and thinking about you on your island. I thought about how I tried so hard to be brave this year. But maybe I’ve been getting it wrong the whole time. Because there’s a difference between the kind of risk that could make you burn away and the kind you took. The kind that makes you show up in the world.
Finally, when it started to get dark out, I walked back to Aunt Amy’s. I took a deep breath and turned the knob to the front door. She was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. She had a kaiser roll sandwich cut in half on a TV tray.
“Are you hungry?”
I wanted to say that I wasn’t and disappear into my room, but the sandwich waiting like that made me sad and made me love her all at the same time. So I dropped my backpack by the door and sat down.
“Thanks,” I said.
I waited for her to make us pray, but instead she said, “Laurel, you were so upset last night. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m doing better today,” I said carefully. It wasn’t a lie.
“I know that you miss May,” she said, “and I know that you looked up to her. But I can see you becoming your own person, Laurel. And I am proud of you. The Lord Jesus is, too.” She squeezed my hand and looked at me. Then she said, “And so is May, from where she is in heaven.”
Although I still didn’t know what exactly Aunt Amy was proud of, and I didn’t really think that Jesus would be, it was a really nice thing for her to say about May.
I wonder what it was like, Amelia, in the final moments of your life. Did you stare up at the clouds that you had soared over? Did you wonder if you were going back there, to live in your beloved skies forever?
Yours,
Laurel
Dear Jim Morrison,
There is something that you said once: A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself—and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to—letting a person be what he really is. Thank you for saying it, because I’ve been thinking about that. I think that I’ve been trying for a long time to feel like I am supposed to, instead of what I actually am.
Since what happened at the party, I’d been missing Natalie and Hannah painfully. The week passed, and they’d been avoiding me, and each other, and pretty much everyone.
Then when I got to school today, Monday, I saw Hannah in the parking lot, getting out of a car. The passenger door was silver, but the rest of the car was painted black. She stumbled, her pointed heel stuck in a crack, as she turned to wave bye to the driver. It was a half-fingered wave that looked like it was meant to be flirty, but she could barely muster it. And when I followed her gaze, I saw him—it was Blake with the mountain house. He peeled out of the lot, dodging the minivans and mom cars and darting into traffic.
When Hannah saw me walking toward her, she looked at me like she wanted to disappear. Her red curls were coming uncurled, and her makeup was heavier than normal. She had one of her eye shadow bruises painted on her cheek.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
“Was that Blake?”
“Yeah.”
“Why was he dropping you off at school?”
“I stayed at his place last night.”
“Hannah, you promised you wouldn’t see him.”
“I know,” she said. “But I had to get out of my house. And it’s over with Kasey, of course.”
“You could have called me.”
“I’ve never even been to your house before, Laurel.”
“Well, it could have been the first time…”
Hannah looked down. I could tell she was still angry.
Then she just laughed, suddenly, although nothing was funny. She laughed like she was making the only sound that could cover everything up. “I really can’t be here today,” she said. “Do you want to go somewhere?” The first bell hadn’t even rung.
“Okay.”
So we snuck off campus and walked to Garcia’s and ordered taquitos for breakfast, sitting on the stoop of a drive-in spot. We used my cell phone and each called the office, pretended to be the other’s parents calling us in sick. That’s not the kind of thing that you can get away with often, but we’d only ever ditched eighth period before, and we hoped we’d get lucky this time. We made sure to wait a few minutes in between so that it would be less suspicious.