"'How Gooney Bird Got a Room Mother' is the title," Gooney Bird began.
"Sometimes," she explained, "a title should be a little mysterious. It should make you wonder what the story is about. I could have called this one 'An Exciting Phone Call' or maybe..."
"'Incognito'!" called Barry from his desk. "That would have been a good title!"
Gooney Bird nodded. "Yes, it would. Good for you, Barry. I might change my title later, actually. You can do that. The title you use first is called the working title. And my working title is 'How Gooney Bird Got a Room Mother.'"
She looked down at herself. "You know how usually, in stories, I try to describe what the main character looks like, and what she is wearing?"
The children nodded. They had heard Gooney Bird tell many stories before.
"Well," she said, "in this story, the main character is me, and as you can see, today I am wearing tap shoes, blue tights, red Bermuda shorts, and an embroidered peasant blouse from Bavaria."
Gooney Bird and the Room Mother
"Bavaria!" murmured Felicia Ann. "I never heard of Bavaria before!"
"It's quite an interesting outfit, I think," Gooney Bird said. "But I've decided that it will not be included in the story. This story is going to be an all-dialogue story. No description."
"Class?" Mrs. Pidgeon said. She went to the board and wrote the word DIALOGUE. For a few moments the room was silent except for the pages of the dictionaries turning.
"I found it!" called Ben. He read aloud, "Words used by characters in a book."
"Or a story," Gooney Bird said. "Okay. I'm going to begin. There are only two characters in this story. One is Gooney Bird, and the other is..."
"Oh, don't tell! She doesn't want you to tell!" several children called.
"...Mrs. X," Gooney Bird said. "I'm calling her Mrs. X. And I'm starting my story with a sound effect. Listen."
RINNNNG. RINNNNG.
"Hello?" Mrs. X said, when she answered the telephone.
"Hello," said Gooney Bird Greene. "I am calling from Watertower Elementary School."
"Yes? My goodness, is something wrong at the school?" asked Mrs. X.
"I think it was my mom," Keiko said. "She always worries. She worries about chicken pox, and unsanitary restrooms, and earthquakes."
"My mom worries too," said Tricia. "Mine worries about kidnappers and unfriendly dogs."
"Mine worries about undercooked hamburger," said Ben.
"Mine too. And swimming too soon after lunch. And wasps," said Chelsea.
"Not mine," Malcolm said glumly. "My mom only worries about those triplets. And diaper rash."
"Please tell their names, Malcolm. I love babies," Felicia Ann said in her soft voice.
"No. They're incognito."
"Class!" Gooney Bird said impatiently. "You are interrupting the story! Dialogue is supposed to flow along smoothly!"
"Sorry," everyone replied.
"But you did remind me of something: how much all moms worry about their children. So I'm going to interrupt the dialogue and insert something about that."
"What's that called, when you do that?" asked Beanie.
Gooney Bird thought, and then shrugged. "I don't know," she said. She looked at the teacher. "Mrs. Pidgeon?"
Mrs. Pidgeon thought. Then she said, "That would be called an authorial intrusion, I think. When the author intrudes to say something that really isn't part of the story. But I'm not even going to write that on the board. It isn't important."
"Well, here I go, starting up again!" Gooney Bird said. She took a deep breath and continued.
All mothers worry about their children. Not only human mothers, but animals. Once I had a cat who was always looking for her kittens and got very upset if they strayed too far away. Now picture if that cat was a
human
and her children went to school every day and she didn't know what was going on at school, and suddenly someone called and said...
Gooney Bird stopped and looked around. Malcolm had started rolling his paper again, and Felicia Ann, seated on the floor, had put her head down on her knees. Chelsea yawned.
"Sorry," Gooney Bird said. "That is why authors shouldn't intrude. It's boring. Back to the dialogue."
"No, Mrs. X," said Gooney Bird. "There is nothing to worry about. I am calling with a request."
"And what might that be? Not a solicitation for money, I hope!" Mrs. X's voice sounded suspicious.
"I bet it's my mom!" said Beanie. "She hates when the phone rings and it's someone—"
Gooney Bird glared at Beanie.
"Sorry," Beanie said.
"No, I'm calling to tell you that you have been selected for a great honor."
"
Right!
The last time I got a call like that, they told me I had won a trip to Las Vegas," Mrs. X said, "but then it turned out that I was supposed to pay taxes and handling charges and buy a membership in something, I think a health club..."
"It's my mother," Barry announced loudly. "I'm sure it's my mother."
"No, it's mine," said Tyrone. "She almost bought a time-share in Mexico and it was a big scam."
"It's my mother," Nicholas and Tricia said together.
Gooney Bird glared at all of them. When the room fell silent, she continued.
Gooney Bird explained very patiently. "No," she said, "this is truly a great honor, not a scam at all. You have been chosen as room mother for Mrs. Pidgeon's second-grade class."
Mrs. X was silent for a moment. She was dumbfounded. She was overcome.
"Are you still there?" Gooney Bird asked.
"Yes," said Mrs. X.
"So may I tell everyone you said that?"
"Said what?" asked Mrs. X.
"'Yes.' You said, 'Yes.'"
"I only meant, 'Yes, I am still here.'"
"Please, please say yes," Gooney Bird said, "because then I get to be Squanto."
Mrs. X still didn't speak.
"And the principal will stop bugging Mrs. Pidgeon," Gooney Bird added.