again, as i was having all these thoughts, i was also thinking about sharing them with isaac. that was my default.
I was only distracted when i heard my name being said by the guy behind the counter. which is how i found o.w.g.
so, yeah, i go into a p**n shop looking for isaac and i get another will grayson instead.
god, you’re one nasty f**ker.
of course, right now isaac is ranking up there in nasty f**kerdom, too. i’m hoping that he’s actually a nervous f**ker instead - like, maybe he showed up and discovered that the place his friend recommended was a p**n shop and was so mortified that he ran away crying. i mean, it’s possible. or maybe he’s just late. i have to give him at least an hour. his train could’ve gotten stuck in a tunnel or something. it’s not unheard of. he’s coming from ohio, after all. people in ohio are late all the time.
my phone rings at practically the same time as o.w.g.’s. even though it’s pathetically unlikely that it’s going to be isaac, my hopes still do the up thing.
then i see it’s maura.
me: god, it’s maura.
at first i’m not going to answer, but then o.w.g. answers his.
o.w.g.: it’s my friend tiny.
If o.w.g. is going to answer his, i figure i’d better answer mine, too. i also remember maura’s doing me a favor today. if later on i learn that the mathletic competition was attacked by an uzi-wielding squad of frustrated humanties nerds, i’ll feel guilty that i didn’t answer the phone and let maura say good-bye.
me: quick - what’s the square root of my underwear?
maura: hey will.
me: that answer earns you zero points.
maura: how’s chicago?
me: there’s no wind at all!
maura: what are you doing?
me: oh, hanging out with will grayson.
maura: that’s what i thought.
me: what do you mean?
maura: where’s your mom?
uh-oh. smells like a trap. has maura called my house? has she talked to my mom? pedal motion, backward!
me: am i my mother’s keeper? (ha ha ha)
maura: stop lying, will.
me: okay, okay. i kinda needed to sneak in on my own. to go to a concert later.
maura: what concert?
fuck! i can’t remember which concert o.w.g. said he was going to. and he’s still on the phone, so i can’t ask.
me: some band you’ve never heard of.
maura: try me.
me: um, that’s their name. ‘some band you’ve never heard of.’
maura: oh, i’ve heard of them.
me: yeah.
maura: i was just reading a review of their album in spin.
me: cool.
maura: yeah, the album’s called ‘isaac’s not coming, you f**king liar.’
this is not good.
me: that’s a pretty stupid name for an album.
what? what what what?
maura: give up, will.
me: my password.
maura: what?
me: you totally hacked my password. you’ve been reading my emails, haven’t you?
maura: what are you talking about?
me: isaac. how do you know about me meeting up with isaac?
she must have looked over my shoulder when i checked my email at school. she must have seen the keys i typed. she stole my dumbass password.
maura: i am isaac, will.
me: don’t be stupid. he’s a guy.
maura: no he’s not. he’s a profile. i made him up.
me: yeah, right.
maura: i did.
no. no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
me: what?
no please no what no no please no f**k no NO.
maura: isaac doesn’t exist. he’s never existed.
me: you can’t -
maura: you’re so caught.
I’M so caught?!?
what the FUCK.
me: tell me you’re joking.
maura: . . .
me: this can’t be happening.
other will grayson’s finished his conversation and is looking at me now.
o.w.g.: are you okay?
It’s hitting. that moment of ‘did an anvil really just fall on my head?’ has passed and i am feeling that anvil. oh lord am i feeling that anvil.
me: you. despicable. cunt.
yes, the synapses are conveying the information now. newsflash: isaac never existed. it was only your friend posing. it was all a lie.
all a lie.
me: you. horrendous. bitch.
maura: why is it that girls are never called ass**les?
me: i am not going to insult ass**les that way. they at least serve a purpose.
maura: look, i knew you’d be mad . . .
me: you KNEW i would be MAD!?!
maura: i was going to tell you.
me: gee, thanks. maura: but you never told me.
o.w.g.’s looking very concerned now. so i put my hand over the phone for a second and speak to him.
me: i’m actually not okay. in fact, i am probably having the worst minute of my life. don’t go anywhere.
o.w.g. nods.
maura: will? look, i’m sorry.
me: . . .
maura: you didn’t actually think he was meeting you at a p**n store, did you?
me: . . .
maura: it was a joke.
me: . . .
maura: will?
me: it is only my respect for your parents that will prevent me from murdering you outright. but please understand this: i am never, ever speaking to you or passing notes to you or texting you or doing f**king sign language with you ever again. i would rather eat dog shit full of razor blades than have anything to do with you.
I hang up before she can say anything else. i switch off the phone. i sit down on the curb. i close my eyes. and i scream. if my whole world is going to crash down around me, then i am going to make the sound of the crashing. i want to scream until all my bones break.
once. twice. again.
then i stop. i feel the tears, and hope that if i keep my eyes closed i can keep them inside. i am so beyond pathetic because i want to open my eyes and see isaac there, have him tell me that maura’s out of her mind. or have the other will grayson tell me that this, too, can be dismissed as coincidence. he’s really the will grayson that maura’s been emailing with. she’s gotten her will graysons mixed up.
but reality. well, reality is the anvil.
I take a deep breath and it sounds clogged.
the whole time.
the whole time it was maura.
not isaac.
no isaac.
never.
there’s hurt. there’s pain. and there’s hurt-and-pain-at-once.