simon: and how long have the two of you been, like, together?
tiny: i dunno? four weeks, two days, and eighteen hours, i think.
simon: so you’re the guy.
tiny: what guy?
simon: the guy who almost lost us the mathletic competition.
tiny: if that’s true, then i’m very sorry.
simon: well, you know what they say.
derek: simon?
simon: g*y guys always put dicks before math.
me: in the whole history of the world, no one has ever said that.
derek: you’re just upset that the girl from naperville -
simon: don’t go there!
derek: - wouldn’t sit on your lap when you asked her to.
simon: it was a crowded bus!
gideon comes back with cookies for all of us.
gideon: it’s a special occasion. what did i miss?
me: dicks before math.
gideon: that makes no sense.
me: exactly.
tiny is starting to fidget, and he’s not even touching his cookie. it’s a soft cookie. with chocolate chips. it should be in his digestive system by now.
If tiny’s losing his appetite, there’s no way we’re going to make it through the rest of the school day. it’s not like i have any desire to go to class - why would tiny? if he wants to be with me, i should be with him. and this school will never let me.
me: let’s leave.
tiny: but i just got here.
me: you have just met the only people i ever interact with. you have sampled our fine cuisine. if you’d like, i can show you the trophy case on the way out so you can bask in the achievements of the alumni who are now old enough to be suffering from erectile dysfunction, memory loss, and death. i am never, ever, going to be able to display affection for you here, but if you get me in private, it will be another matter entirely.
tiny: dicks before math.
me: yes. dicks before math. even though i already had math class today. i’ll skip it retroactively to be with you.
derek: go! go!
tiny seems very pleased by this turn of events.
tiny: i’ll have you all to myself?
this is borderline embarrassing to admit in front of other people, so i just nod.
we gather our trays and say our good-byes. gideon looks a little bummed, but sounds sincere when he tells tiny he hopes we’ll all get a chance to hang out later. tiny says he hopes so, too, but not like he means it.
as we’re about to leave the cafeteria, tiny says he needs to make one more stop.
tiny: there’s something i have to do.
me: the restroom’s down that hallway, to the left.
but that’s not his destination.
he’s heading straight for maura’s table.
me: what are you doing? we don’t talk to her.
tiny: you might not - but i have a thing or two i’d like to say.
she’s looking up at us now.
me: stop. tiny: step aside, grayson. i know what i’m doing.
she makes a big production of putting down her pen and closing her notebook.
me: don’t, tiny.
but he steps forward and hovers over her. the mountain has come to maura, and it has something to say.
there’s a flash of nervousness across tiny’s face before he begins. he takes a deep breath. she looks at him with a studied blankness.
tiny: i just wanted to come over and thank you. i’m tiny cooper, and i’ve been dating this will grayson for four weeks, two days, and eighteen hours now. if you hadn’t been such an evil, selfish, deceitful, vindictive frenemy to him, we would have never met. it just goes to show, if you try to ruin someone’s life, it only gets better. you just don’t get to be a part of it.
me: tiny, enough.
tiny: i think she needs to know what she’s missing, will. i think she needs to know how happy -
me: ENOUGH!
a lot of people hear it. tiny certainly does, because he stops. and maura certainly does, because she stops staring blankly at him and starts staring blankly at me. i am so mad at both of them right now. i take tiny by the hand, but this time it’s to pull him away. maura smirks at that, then opens her notebook and starts writing again. i make it to the door, then let go of tiny’s hand, head back to maura’s table, grab the notebook, and rip out the page that she’s writing on. i don’t even read it. i just rip it out and crumple it up and then throw the notebook back on the table, knocking over her diet coke. i don’t say a word. i just leave.
I am so angry i can’t speak. tiny is behind me, saying
tiny: what? what did i do?
I wait until we’re out of the building. i wait until we’re in the parking lot. i wait until he’s led me to his car. i wait until we’re inside the car. i wait until i feel i can open my mouth without screaming. And then i say:
me: you really shouldn’t have done that.
tiny: why?
me: WHY? because i’m not talking to her. because i’ve managed to avoid her for a month, and now you just dragged me over to her and made her feel like she matters in my life.
tiny: she needed to be taught a lesson.
me: what lesson? that if she tries to ruin someone’s life, it only gets better? that’s a great lesson, tiny. now she can try to ruin more people’s lives, because at least she’ll have the satisfaction of knowing she’s doing them a favor. maybe she can even start a matchmaking service. clearly, it worked for us.
tiny: stop it.
me: stop what?
tiny: stop talking to me like i’m stupid. i’m not stupid.
me: i know you’re not stupid. but you sure as hell did a stupid thing.
he hasn’t even started the car yet. we’re still sitting in the parking lot.
tiny: this isn’t how the day was supposed to go.
me: well, you know what? a lot of the time, you have no control over how your day goes.
tiny: stop. please. i want this to be a nice day.
he starts the car. it’s my turn to take a deep breath. who the hell wants to be the one to tell a kid that santa claus isn’t real. it’s the truth, right? but you’re still a jerk for saying it.
tiny: let’s go somewhere you like to go. where should we go? take me somewhere that matters to you.
me: like what?
tiny: like . . . i don’t know. for me, if i need to feel better, i go alone to super target. i don’t know why, but seeing all of those things makes me happy. it’s probably the design. i don’t even have to buy anything. just seeing all the people together, seeing all the things i could buy - all the colors, aisle after aisle - sometimes i need that. for jane, it’s this indie record store we’ll go to so she can look at old vinyl while i look at all the boy band cds in the two-dollar bin and try to figure out which one i think is the cutest. or the other will grayson - there’s this park in our town, where all the little league teams play. and he loves the dugout, because when no one else is around, it’s really quiet there. when there’s not a game on, you can sit there and all that exists are the things that happened in the past. i think everyone has a place like that. you must have a place like that.