me: you are such a dork.
gideon: only if you catch me on a good day.
I don’t tell gideon that i feel guilty being around him. because what if the threat tiny felt turns out to be true? what if i was cheating on him without knowing it?
me: can you cheat on someone without knowing it?
I am not asking gideon this. i am asking my mother.
she has been so careful with me. she has been tiptoeing around my moods, acting like everything’s okay. but now she just freezes.
mom: why are you asking me that? did you cheat on tiny?
and i’m thinking, oh shit, i should not have asked that question.
me: no. i didn’t. why are you so mad?
mom: nothing.
me: no, why? did dad cheat on you?
she shakes her head.
me: did you cheat on dad?
she sighs.
mom: no. it’s not that. it’s . . . i don’t want you to ever be a cheater. not on people. sometimes it’s okay to cheat on things - but don’t ever cheat on people. because once you start, it’s very hard to stop. you find out how easy it is to do.
me: mom?
mom: that’s all. why are you asking?
me: no reason. just wondering.
I’ve been wondering a lot lately. sometimes, when i’m passing the minute mark on holding my breath, besides imagining being dead, i’m also imagining what tiny is doing. sometimes i picture the other will grayson there. most of the time, they’re onstage. but i can never understand what they’re singing.
and the weird thing is, i’m thinking about isaac again. and maura. and how weird it is that it was a lie that made me happiest.
tiny doesn’t respond to any of my instant messages. then, the night before the musical, i decide to type in the other will grayson’s screenname. and there he is. it’s not like i think he’ll completely understand. yeah, we have the same name, but it’s not like we’re psychic twins. it’s not like he’ll wince in pain if i burn myself or anything. but that one night in chicago, i felt he understood a little of it. and, yeah, i also want to see if tiny’s okay.
willupleasebequiet: hey
willupleasebequiet: it’s will grayson.
willupleasebequiet: the other one.
WGrayson7: wow. hello.
willupleasebequiet: is this okay? me talking to you.
WGrayson7: yeah. what are you doing up at 1:33:48?
willupleasebequiet: waiting to see if 1:33:49 is any better. you?
WGrayson7: if i’m not mistaken, i just saw, via webcam, a revised musical number that involved oscar wilde’s ghost, live from the bedroom of the musical’s
WGrayson7: director-writer-star-etc-etc
willupleasebequiet: how was it?
willupleasebequiet: no.
willupleasebequiet: i mean, how is he?
WGrayson7: truth?
willupleasebequiet: yes.
WGrayson7: i don’t think i’ve ever seen him more nervous. and not because he’s the director-writer-star-etc-etc. but because it means so much to him, you know? he really thinks he can change the world.
willupleasebequiet: i can imagine.
WGrayson7: sorry, it’s late. and i’m not even sure if i should be talking about tiny with you.
willupleasebequiet: i just checked the bylaws of the international society of will graysons, and i can’t find anything in there about it. we’re in vastly uncharted territory.
WGrayson7: exactly. here be dragons.
willupleasebequiet: will?
WGrayson7: yes, will.
willupleasebequiet: does he know i’m sorry?
WGrayson7: dunno. in my recent experience, i’d say hurt tends to drown out sorry.
willupleasebequiet: i just couldn’t be that person for him.
WGrayson7: that person?
willupleasebequiet: the one he really wants.
willupleasebequiet: i just wish it wasn’t all trial and error.
willupleasebequiet: because that’s what it is, isn’t it?
willupleasebequiet: trial and error.
willupleasebequiet: i guess there’s a reason they don’t call it ‘trial and success’
willupleasebequiet: it’s just try-error
willupleasebequiet: try-error
willupleasebequiet: try-error
willupleasebequiet: i’m sorry. are you still here?
WGrayson7: yes.
WGrayson7: if you’d caught me two weeks ago, i would have had to agree with you fullheartedly.
WGrayson7: now i’m not so sure.
willupleasebequiet: why?
WGrayson7: well, i agree that ‘trial and error’ is a pretty pessimistic name for it. and maybe that’s what it is most of the time.
WGrayson7: but i think the point is that it’s not just try-error.
WGrayson7: most of the time it’s try-error-try
WGrayson7: try-error-try
WGrayson7: try-error-try
WGrayson7: and that’s how you find it.
willupleasebequiet: it?
WGrayson7: you know. it.
willupleasebequiet: yeah, it. willupleasebequiet: try-error-try-it
WGrayson7: well . . . i haven’t become that optimistic. WGrayson7: it’s more like try-error-try-error-try-error-try-error-try-error-try . . . at least fifteen more rounds . . . then try-error-try-it
willupleasebequiet: i miss him. but not in the way he would want me to miss him.
WGrayson7: are you coming tomorrow?
willupleasebequiet: i don’t think that would be a good idea. do you?
WGrayson7: it’s up to you. it could be another error. or it could be it. just do me a favor and give me a call first so i can warn him.
that seems fair. he gives me his phone number and i give him mine. i type it into my phone before i forget. when it asks for the name to go with the number, i just type will grayson.
willupleasebequiet: what’s the secret to your wisdom, will grayson?
WGrayson7: i think it’s that i hang out with the right people, will grayson.
willupleasebequiet: well, thank you for your help.
WGrayson7: i like to be on call for all of my best friend’s ex-boyfriends.
willupleasebequiet: it takes a village to date tiny cooper.
WGrayson7: exactly.
willupleasebequiet: good night, will grayson.
WGrayson7: good night, will grayson.
I want to say this calms me. i want to say i fall immediately to sleep. but the whole night my mind goes
try-error-?
try-error-?
try-error-?
by the morning, i am wreckage. i wake up and i think, today’s the day. and then i think, it has nothing to do with me. it’s not like i even helped him with it. it’s just that now i’m not getting to see it. i know that’s fair, but it doesn’t feel fair. it feels like i’ve screwed myself over.