“Does leading others make you happy?”
He shrugged. “What does that have to do with it?”
“It’s everything. If it doesn’t make you happy, then it’s what someone else wants instead of what you really want. And as for fate, fate’s not pushing you into it anymore. You are. I needed to rescue my dad and these people, and I’m grateful you helped them when I failed. And I know I sort of used their hero worship of you to get us all this far. But I didn’t mean to create a monster or make you feel responsible for everyone. What happens next to us all isn’t on your shoulders anymore. You’ve got to let everyone handle their own problems now.”
“When I do that, people die, Tarah. Look at what happened to that cop in Oklahoma! If I’d been awake and telling others how to deal with the situation, he wouldn’t have figured out something was wrong, and Steve wouldn’t have overreacted and killed him.”
“You don’t know that for sure. And besides, what about when you got shot and we had to figure out what to do next? You were unconscious. But we managed on our own, didn’t we? We worked as a group and figured out what to do, even if our decisions weren’t perfect. And we’ll do the same thing tomorrow morning when we all sit down and figure out where to go from here. Without you.”
He froze then slowly looked up at me. “Sounds like you’re trying awful hard to get rid of me now.”
“No, I’m setting you free of any responsibility.”
His jaw clenched. “What do you want from me here, Tarah? Seriously. You keep pushing me to tell you what I want. How about you tell me what you want. You want me to go away? Then say the words.”
I growled in frustration. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m just saying...”
I looked around the unfamiliar room, trying to sort through my exhaustion to find the right words. Why was it always so much easier to write down what I meant in my journals versus saying it out loud?
I sighed. “I’m saying I chose this path. You just got dragged into it. But you don’t have to be a part of it anymore. You’re free to make your own decisions from now on. And that’s what I want you to do.”
Most of all, I wanted to see his eyes shine again and his shoulders free of all the weight he had put on there and allowed others to add to. Including me.
Finally I gave in to the urge I had been feeling for days and brushed his shaggy, wet hair out of his eyes. “So yet again I ask what do you want?”
I started to let my hand fall away from his face, but he caught and held it. It became hard to breathe as he studied my hand as if trying to read my future in the lines on my palm.
“Do you remember when we used to play Medieval Times,” he murmured, “And Damon and I were the knights, and you were our queen?”
I blinked at the strange subject change. Was he trying to distract me and make me forget my arguments? “Um, yes. Why?”
“That was the last time I can remember doing anything I wanted to do. Well, that and play basketball. And even the basketball’s kind of turned into another way to keep my dad happy. He thinks sports help me learn leadership skills.”
So the only purely fun thing he’d done was play in the backyard with his brother and me. That had been years ago.
The ache in my throat and chest intensified. I wanted to shake every member of his family until their teeth rattled for brainwashing him into thinking his dreams had no value whatsoever if they didn’t mesh with what his family wanted.
“Sometimes I still dream about it,” he said. “I can still see you in that blanket you always wore like a robe with that old curtain rod for your scepter, standing on the steps of your back deck like it was your castle.”
My mouth twitched with the sudden urge to smile. “I was such a goof.”
“You were beautiful. You still are. I always thought you should have a crown too, but even without it, you looked…right. Like you really should be a queen.”
I pressed my lips together, remembering the pure joy and exhilaration of those times when life had been so much easier. When I read motivational books about finding your dreams and following your bliss, those were the times I thought about. Talk about following our bliss. Back then, that was all we ever did. But then somehow along the way we let others’ beliefs and demands intrude, and ever since then no matter how hard I tried, I hadn’t found a way to feel such pure joy like that again.
Then Hayden did something that made me forget all about the memories and regrets. He reached up, cupped my cheek and the side of my neck, and slowly pulled me down to him for a kiss.
I don’t remember consciously telling my eyes to close, and yet they did, shutting off my sight so every other sense became heightened and filled with him and only him. The smell of Irish Spring soap on his skin, the taste of him on my lips, the feeling of his nose against the side of mine and his mouth moving over mine and my head tilting on its own in an instinctive search for the perfect angle for our mouths to meet. My heartbeat thundered in my ears, robbing me of all sound except a single moan, his or mine I couldn’t tell. Then his hands were on me, cupping my shoulders, sliding along my arms and around to my back, tugging me down to my knees and against him.
I held onto his shoulders, afraid otherwise I would fall, and then uncaring if I did, I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck so the short hairs there tickled my palms and the pads of my fingers.
How long had I wished for this, dreamed about this moment, yearned to feel exactly these sensations? And yet I couldn’t have ever possibly imagined just how intense it would feel to kiss Hayden. My first best friend. My partner in crime in leading this tiny, dangerous yet thrilling revolution.
The only boy I had ever loved, secretly or otherwise.
“How’s that for going after what I want?” His whisper was harsh against my cheek and ear as he held me so close against him that I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His fingers were spread wide across my back as if trying to cover as much territory over me as he could.
I blinked fast, struggling to regain the ability to breathe and think straight. “Are you sure that wasn’t just some really creative way to win an argument?”
He laughed, and the husky sound of it sent a ripple like an aftershock over my nerve endings. “Maybe it was a little of that. But it was also something I’ve wanted to do for a really long time now. When I said maybe I want some responsibility and to be tied down to someone, I was talking about you. I want to help you, not just protect you.” He leaned back, his smile fading. “So now it’s my turn. What do you want?”