I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as the emotions and the sensation of her closeness tried their best to overwhelm me. My hands shook as I stroked her hair and her upper arms hidden beneath the bulk of her thick coat. I tried to memorize the silky feel of her hair against my face, afraid the memory would disappear like a popped soap bubble if I didn’t make a point of memorizing every detail.
I wished I could tell her how I felt, how much she meant to me. I wished I could promise her that everything would be all right. That was how it was supposed to work, right? Once you found someone you loved who loved you back, everything else was supposed to fall into place.
Instead, everything around us was falling apart. And loving her made it all the harder to endure.
“One of our patients died.”
Her words didn’t mean anything to me at first. She spoke so calmly she could have been commenting on the weather, for all my brain registered it.
Then I understood, and my truck’s heater suddenly couldn’t keep up with the inner chill that spread goosebumps racing over my skin.
Death had found our secret village at last.
“Are you ready to leave now?” The words blurted out of me.
She froze, and I knew it was the wrong thing to say.
“We already talked about this.” Her voice was a warning, low, controlled.
But I could be stubborn too. “That was before two people died.”
“It doesn’t change anything.”
I waited a beat, trying not to react, but I cared too much not to.
Cursing, I got out of the truck, slamming the door after me, and headed for the edge of the woods, needing some distance from her before I could lose control and start yelling at her.
A few seconds later, she caught up with me. “Hayden, wait. Where are you going?”
Nowhere. There was nowhere to go to escape my feelings for her and this situation.
“You have to stop being afraid and running away,” she said.
I froze, closing my eyes, my control slipping away. “You tell me someone else has died, but I have to stop being afraid.” Could she even hear herself?
She didn’t hesitate to reply, “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying! Can’t you have some faith, even just a tiny bit, that the healers will figure this out?”
“When, Tarah? When will they figure it out? Before everyone else gets sick too? Before you do?” Bile rose to burn the back of my throat, and I had to shut up or else throw up.
That was it. Her crazy ambition was going to get her killed. And letting her do it was just as bad as helping her kill herself.
She made a loud gasping oompf as I turned, grabbed her around the waist and tossed her over my shoulder.
“Hayden, what are you doing?” she shrieked, slapping my back as I headed for the truck.
“The only thing that makes sense...getting you out of here whether you like it or not.” We were nearly to the truck.
“Oh, so you’re going to just haul me off against my will? Just like Steve would do?”
I stopped, still several feet from the truck. She did not just compare me to that guy. “I’m not like Steve.”
“Oh really?”
I stood there, hating her words, hating the truth behind them. I realized what we must look like to anyone watching. My grandmother and mother would have killed me if they could see me now.
Growling, I set her on her feet again, but I held on to her shoulders, forcing her to stay and talk to me. “Can’t you get it through your head? You’re not a witch! You don’t have any powers. These people are not your people. You don’t owe them any loyalty at all. And you damn sure don’t owe them your life.”
“I know that. But I owe it to myself to see this through. If I leave now, how will I end their story?”
Their story. All of this was about telling some stupid story! Could she even hear herself anymore? “And just when and how do you think you’re going to get that story out if you die? And even if you don't, what publisher would risk even publishing it now that the whole world’s turning against us?”
She sighed, her shoulders slumping. “I have no idea when I’ll be able to share their story. Maybe it’ll be months or even years. But when the time is finally right for us to change public opinion about the Clann, I’m going to be ready to tell their story exactly the way it needs to be told. And once that story is out there for everyone to read, every member of this village will become heroes and martyrs for the cause, and the government will eventually be forced to stop what they’re doing. Don't you see? It’s the only hope we have to end this war! If people out there really knew what was going on, what it was like for the outcasts, sooner or later they would demand justice and equality for the Clann community. It’s history repeating itself, over and over. The Nazis and the Jews, blacks versus whites, equal rights for women, safer working conditions in American factories...change only came when someone was brave enough to write the truth and share it with others.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. “So you'll risk it all for the Pulitzer and the fame.”
“It’s not about getting some award or being famous. It's about making all this matter and their struggles and sacrifices and deaths make a difference for others in this stupid world. If we leave, if I don't tell their story, the whole story, it'll be like it never even happened."
I stared off in the distance, feeling the crushing weight of defeat. There was no getting through to her.
"You can’t leave these people any more than I can," she said, her voice softer now. "They’re not just nameless, faceless refugees. I know their names and the dreams they were forced to leave behind and the dreams they can hardly dare to dream now. I could never turn my back on them and walk away any more than you could.” She swept an arm out wide to encompass the entire village. “If even one person in this village survives, then this place will be a success, because that’s one life lived in freedom that otherwise would have been wasted in prison. Don't you want to stay and be a part of that?”
Her words were stirring something dangerous deep inside me, something that wasn't safe for me to think about. So I pushed those chaotic feelings away. “You’re talking about staying here for years if necessary. You’re really prepared to stay here that long until the world is ready to hear about some backwoods trailer park in the middle of nowhere?”