"It was like getting hit with a baseball bat or something. I was thinking about him all the time. I wasn't sure he even liked me."
"What's not to like?" he asked, slipping his arm around her and drawing her up against his side. That he was crazy in love with her was written all over his face. I figured the only reason they weren't playing tonsil hockey was because I was standing two feet away. Time to make my exit.
"I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm tired and grungy," I told them. "I'm going to hit the shower and then bed. Don't steam up the room while I'm gone."
Lucas grinned wolfishly. He'd always been so dark and brooding that it was strange to see this lighter, almost teasing side of him. Even with all our troubles, Kayla could make him smile.
"I'll wait up for you," Kayla told me, "and we can catch up some more."
"Not necessary."
She gave me a funny look. I wasn't usually this antisocial, but neither was I the buddy type.
"I'm just really tired," I told her; even though she hadn't asked I could see the question in her eyes.
Before I started making more excuses and maybe raising suspicions, I went to the bathroom, closed the door, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked the same. Even knowing that I would, I was still disappointed.
But so far I'd passed the inspection of three Shifters. If I could fool the ones I worked with and saw every day, I could fool anyone. Maybe even myself.
The next morning, with my head buried beneath my pillow, I mumbled something about needing more sleep when Lindsey and Kayla were getting dressed, so they'd leave without me. I didn't want to have to endure any more scrutiny or questions.
When I went down for breakfast, the dining room wasn't crowded. It was large enough to accommodate families when we had our annual gathering. Now, only the Dark Guardians and a few Guardians-in-training were hanging around Wolford.
I saw Kayla and Lucas sitting at a table alone. She caught my eye, smiled, and pointed to an empty chair beside her. I shook my head. Lindsey and Rafe were also at a table alone, but they were lost in each other and not paying attention to anyone else. Ah, newly discovered love. They had a lot of lost time to make up for. A few other Dark Guardians—those who had faced their first full moon and novices who were still anxiously awaiting their magical night—were scattered throughout the place. They smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up. I'd survived. I'd made it. Yay me.
I walked to the sideboard where the buffet breakfast was set out. I heaped scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast onto my plate. Then I sat at a table by myself. I wasn't up to answering questions about how my transformation had gone.
Too bad I hadn't sent out a mass email alerting people to back off.
Three novices were suddenly surrounding my table. Mia and Jocelyn were sixteen, Samuel seventeen. Guys didn't have their first transformation until they were eighteen.
"You did it'" Mia said, fairly bouncing on her toes. Her blond hair was short and feathered in little delicate wisps around her elfin face. She was the only Shifter girl I knew who didn't keep her hair long. "Do you know what this means for the rest of us? We don't have to choose our mate before the transformation. Your courage has given every girl freedom'"
My courage? Was she kidding me? I hadn't been alone because I wanted to be. I was alone because the only guy I'd been interested in was interested in someone else at the time.
"How bad was it really?" Jocelyn asked hesitantly, and I knew it was because she was aware that Shifters didn't openly discuss the first transformation with someone they weren't tight with. It had a mystique.
Jocelyn's reddish brown hair hanging straight down her back reminded me of autumn leaves. She and Samuel had their fingers laced together. He'd claimed her during the summer solstice when our kind always got together to celebrate our existence. She wasn't going to be going through it alone.
I looked back over at Mia. Would I be condemning her to death if I made light of things? I truly had no idea how bad it might be.
"I thought I was going to die. I don't recommend going through it alone." At least I'd spoken the truth.
Mia's jubilant face fell. "But you survived."
"Just barely." I felt mean saying that but what choice did I have? I didn't want her death on my conscience.
"But if I started to prepare like you did—"
I cut her off. "You've got another year. You might have a mate by then." Hadn't Lindsey said almost the same words to me, trying to reassure me that I'd be okay? I hated being deceitful. It was only a few days ago that I had been making the same arguments as Mia. But now I knew better. Or, at least, that it wasn't that simple.
"I think it's archaic that we have to have mates," Mia said stubbornly, jutting up her small chin.
"Gee, thanks, Mia," Samuel said. "Some of us like the traditions."
"And some of us don't. Look at all the technology we have. Get with the program."
"Enhancing our security using technology has nothing to do with how we should uphold our traditions."
"It has everything to do with it."
"Guys, now isn't the time," Jocelyn said with obvious irritation as though she'd been forced to sit through the debate a thousand times. She smiled at me. "We just wanted to stop by and talk to you. We think you're awesome. It would be kinda creepy to just…touch you, wouldn't it?"
The next thing I knew they'd be auctioning my crumpled napkin on eBay. "Definitely creepy."
With a last nod at me, they walked away, laughing and tittering, and glancing back as though they still couldn't believe that I was breathing the same air as they did. There were so many ramifications to what I'd done that I hadn't given any thought to most of them. Who would have thought that anyone except me would have cared that I went through it alone? And how was I to know that by lying about all that had happened, I'd suddenly be carrying a heavy responsibility on my shoulders?
I was a Dark Guardian. I was supposed to protect these people. I should stand up in my chair, get their attention, and announce the truth of what had happened. I was debating the pros and cons of that action, considering how mortifying it would be, when a shadow fell over my plate. My heart hammering, I jerked my gaze up, hoping to see Connor. Instead I saw Daniel, the guy with whom the elders had tried to set me up. He gave me a warm smile. I smiled back. No hard feelings. He was a nice guy, but we'd both accepted from the get-go that we weren't going to make it as a couple.