“Tomorrow we’ll be close enough to one of our lairs. We can replenish supplies, sleep in a protected area,” Rafe said.
We Shifters had set up hidden lairs all over the forest. We stored food, extra clothes, and any other essentials we thought someone might need if separated from the pack, hurt, or in trouble. The government might technically own the forest, but we viewed it as ours. Some of our ancestors had come over on the Mayflower. It was when they’d begun burning them as witches in Salem that we’d taken up residence in this wilderness. It had been designated as a national forest for only about a hundred years, but it had been our home for much longer.
Even in the darkness I was comfortable here.
“Are you supposed to do anything if you find the lab?” I asked. “You know—destroy it, kill everyone within it?”
“Just report its location to Lucas. Then we’ll decide how to handle it.”
“I hope I’ve had my first shift by then. I’ll be more effective as a wolf.”
“I don’t know if we can wait that long.”
A huff of self-conscious laughter escaped me. “You make it sound like it’s so far off, and I’m sitting here thinking that it’s rushing at me too fast.”
“Most of us are excited about our first transformation.” He trailed his finger along my bare arm, and I shivered. “Why aren’t you?”
Was he pushing me to admit what I was feeling?
“Can you read my mind?” I asked.
“When I’m in wolf form.”
“And when you’re not?”
“Sometimes I’ll catch a thought.”
Was it significant that he could read my thoughts when he wasn’t in wolf form—when Connor couldn’t?
I pushed myself to my feet. “I don’t understand. I thought there was supposed to be one person for each of us, that our instincts recognized the one who was our destiny. I feel like an aberration. I didn’t think it was supposed to be this confusing.”
“What are you confused by?”
I spun around. “God, Rafe, if you can truly read my mind, you must already know.”
“I try not to intrude on your thoughts. Are you giving me permission—”
“No!” I needed my thoughts to stay mine until I figured things out.
“What did you feel when I kissed you?” Rafe asked. I watched his shadowy form lengthen as he came to his feet.
“It was more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. But it could have just been the emotions of the day…we were both reacting to them.”
“Then let me kiss you again. We’ll see how it goes.” His voice was low, soothing, almost hypnotic.
“It wouldn’t be fair to Connor.”
“Are all your doubts fair to him? Things are different for the males among us. During your first transformation, if your mate is with you, if you’ve chosen him for that moment, he’ll bond with you. It’ll be permanent. We mate for life. If you change your mind, you can walk away. We can’t. And if you walk to me afterward, I’ll always know that he was there for you during your first time—I’ll never have that experience with you.”
“But I’ll have other transform—”
“It’s never like the first time, when everything within us, everything that we are, everything that we will become—it all achieves maturity. A butterfly emerging from its cocoon will always be a butterfly afterward, but that moment of awe when it first spreads its wings—this only happens once. That’s the reason the bond forms so strongly with the female’s first transformation. She’ll never again experience that moment of wonder, and the male—her male—wants to experience it with her.”
I’d always known the first transformation was profound, but no one had ever explained it like that before.
I didn’t know what to say. I thought, All this shouldn’t be a surprise to me. I’d always known what I was, what the first transformation was—but just like sex, it wasn’t anything my mom had ever truly discussed with me. It was an important part of my journey into adulthood, and no one had given me a road map.
Suddenly Rafe was closer to me. I could feel the warmth radiating off his body. I wanted to snuggle up against him.
“Why did you come with me if you didn’t want to experience what it was for us to be together?” he asked.
I didn’t answer him with words. Instead, I reached up and cradled his face between my hands. I could feel the stubble on his jaw. I could feel the slight breeze teasing his long, black hair across my fingers. I could sense his gaze on mine. I was acutely aware of the stillness of him as he waited for me to make my decision.
Forgive me, Connor.
I rose up on my toes to issue my invitation with a soft, and I hoped sexy, voice. “Kiss me.”
His low, victorious growl echoed between us and then he was kissing me passionately. And just like the first kiss, this one took my breath. Tonight there wasn’t the adrenaline spike of a near-death experience or the heady rush of him having saved my life. But the fire was still there, all-consuming, just like in my dreams. And just like the first kiss, it was overwhelming—it was almost too much.
I pulled back first. I no longer questioned whether lust alone was involved here. Finally I felt that soul-deep connection I’d heard about. I was in trouble. Big trouble.
Lowering my heels back to the ground, I nestled my cheek into the crook of his shoulder, welcoming his arms as they came around me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’ve decided that’s the stupidest question on earth.”
“So you’re not okay.”
“I don’t know, Rafe. Things just got a lot more complicated.”
“I won’t say I’m glad, but I’m definitely not disappointed either. At least there’s a chance you could choose me.”
And what would that do to Connor?
“We need to get some sleep,” he said then, and I wondered if he felt a need to fill the silence that was stretching between us. “Share my sleeping bag with me.”
Great! I hadn’t thought to pack a sleeping bag.
“I can’t,” I said with a measure of regret. But I knew there were some lines that, once I crossed them, I would never be able to go back.
“You’re worrying about Connor again.”