But he’d report her to Isabelle. And then Lucinda would find out, and she’d told her she had to cooperate completely, so…
She had no choice. With slow, resentful steps, she crossed the distance between them and reached for the clippers, trying to show him with her eyes how angry she was.
When she started to pull away, though, he held on to the clippers.
‘I know you’re better than this, Allie,’ he said, not at all unkindly.
Her first instinct was to tell him he didn’t know anything about her. Nobody did. But then, to her surprise, tears prickled the backs of her eyes. She didn’t want to say mean things to Mr Ellison. She knew she wasn’t in control of her actions right now. She was swinging wildly; hitting all the wrong people.
She had to stop.
Her rage dissipated, like a puff of breath in the cold air.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, needing him to accept her apology. Needing him to forgive her.
His face softened. ‘I understand more than you know, Allie.’ The deep baritone rumble of his voice was comforting. ‘I’ve lost people. Good people. So has Carter. People we loved just as much as you loved Jo. We know how much it hurts. But we got through it and now you have to get through it, too.’
Allie knew Carter’s parents died when he was only a child. And they were good friends with Mr Ellison. That must have been devastating. They must have felt as bad as she did now.
She turned to look at Carter, but he’d dropped his gaze, as if Mr Ellison’s words had brought back painful memories.
The tight strings that had seemed to bind her heart ever since that horrible night loosened, just a little.
She was not the only one to go through this. And she shouldn’t punish them because of her own pain. All of them had lost someone.
She nodded fiercely. ‘I’ll sort things out, Mr Ellison. I promise.’
Perched high on a ladder, Allie trimmed twigs from the gnarled branches of the old apple tree as Mr Ellison had showed her, letting them fall through to the ground. From where she sat she could see the top of the school building – lights had just begun to come on in the dorm windows. Inside it would be warm and starting to smell of bacon and toast.
At the thought, her empty stomach rumbled.
She’d had to take off one glove to hold the clippers and she paused to blow warm life back into her frozen fingers. Below her she could see Carter dragging fallen branches into piles and raking leaves and twigs away from the base of the trees.
Across the orchard, Mr Ellison was busy sawing fallen branches into firewood, so they were essentially alone.
Amid the protection of the branches she watched Carter work, remembering what it was like to be close to him. She’d been his friend first – then his girlfriend. Now his… nothing.
Since he’d got together with Jules they hardly spoke. She’d been stunned by how quickly he’d moved on, and he had just sort of avoided her. The air between them remained heavy with unspoken recrimination.
Climbing down, she dragged the ladder around the tree to a new spot.
Carter glanced up at her. ‘Do you need some help?’
She shook her head. ‘I’ve got it.’
With a shrug, he returned to his work.
When she’d set up the ladder on the other side of the tree, she turned back to him and spoke quickly before she could change her mind.
‘Look. I’m sorry for… like, earlier. That wasn’t cool.’
His rake stilled and he looked up at her, surprise leaving his face unguarded for a second.
‘That’s OK,’ he said. ‘I don’t blame you.’
‘To be honest,’ she looked down at her clippers, ‘I got spooked in the garden. Thought I heard something. But it was just you guys. So… I overreacted.’
‘No one could blame you for being on edge, Allie,’ he said. ‘I am, too. We all are. You have nothing to apologise for.’
‘Oh, I think I have a lot to apologise for.’
Carter didn’t miss the wry tone in her tone and he looked at her searchingly. ‘Why’d you do it, Allie?’ he asked. ‘Why’d you leg it?’
Leaning back against the ladder she glanced up at the lightening sky, remembering how she’d felt that day.
‘I felt like… like nothing happened,’ she said. ‘Like, Jo died and then everyone went back to business as usual except me. And I don’t want business as usual. Ever again.’
He nodded to himself, biting his bottom lip. ‘Thing is,’ he said after a second, ‘nobody went back to business as usual, Allie.’
She hadn’t expected that.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, her brow creasing.
‘I mean, everything changed. I guess nobody told you because they knew you… needed space or whatever.’ He plucked a dead leaf from the tree, avoiding her gaze. ‘But we’ve been having loads of meetings about it. All Night School training has changed, too. They are looking for the spy – everyone’s completely paranoid about it. And Raj tracked Gabe and Nathaniel everywhere they’ve been.’ He shook his head and his gaze glanced off hers. ‘You know Raj is Batman, right?’
‘So wait.’ Allie needed him to get back to the point. ‘Are you saying all this stuff has been happening but nobody told me?’
Carter’s expression was hard to read. ‘Isabelle said you weren’t ready yet. You needed to grieve.’
Allie’s jaw was so tight it was difficult to speak.