The animals fell silent. The dogs stopped chasing. My sister's legs ceased moving midstride, and she top-pled onto the ground.
I stopped running, my chest heaving in and out as I stared at her still form. "Joss?" What had happened?
Very slowly, she turned her face to look at me, tears streaking her cheeks. "She isn't coming, Cecile." She scrambled to her feet and ran into the house.
Her words made my stomach clench, but I went after her, barely managing to cut her off before she made it to the stairs. Forced into the kitchen, she scurried over to the far side of the table.
"What do you girls think you're doing?" Gran demanded, slamming down the bread dough she was kneading. "You're tracking mud all over my clean floor, and both of you have chores to do."
"Joss took my letter!" I shouted.
Gran hefted a wooden spoon. “Josette de Troyes, give your sister back her letter."
Joss shook her head rapidly, her cheeks flushed red. Why was she doing this? She was going to ruin everything.
"Give it to me!" I demanded, holding out one hand. It was no wonder our mother never came to see us, why she never invited us into the city. Why would she want to? Why would she waste her time on two muddy squabbling farm girls in the middle of nowhere when she could be dining nightly with Trianon's finest? And why wouldn't my idiot sister understand that if we ever wanted to see her, we had to be better.
"I won't" The vehemence of Joss' voice startled me out of my silent rant. "Not until you promise to stop watching for her. To quit waiting for her. To quit wanting her in our lives!"
Silence hung in the room as we stared each other down, it dawning on me for the first time that maybe my sister didn't feel the same way about our mother as I did.
"Why?" I whispered, "Why would I want to forget my own mother? Why would you?"
Joss' bottom lip trembled, and with one free hand, she wiped away the tear carving a track in the mud on her face. "Because she forgot about us."
My stomach lurched, and my ears filled with a dull roar. Everything seemed far too bright, forcing me to suck in a deep breath to settle my nerves. "She didn't forget," I said, forcing the words out through numb lips. "The letter says she's coming for my birthday. It's written on the paper in your hands." Not that she could read it any better than I could.
Joss' shoulders shuddered. "Not any more, it doesn't."
I gasped as she flung my letter into the fireplace. Shoving the table out of the way, I dived toward the flames, but it was too late. All I could do was watch the paper turn to ash, the sound of a wooden spoon cracking against Joss' backside barely registering in my ears as Gran berated her for what she had done before sending her out to finish my chores.
A hot fat tear rolled down the side of my nose, and I scrubbed it away hard enough to make my cheek sting, the stench of pig on my fingers seeming worse than normal. My nails were cut down to the quick, but they still held dirt around the edges, and my palms were thick with callouses. The boots I'd inherited from my brother were crusted with mud, and I could smell farm and sweat rising from my dress. I didn't feel like I was worth the effort of a trip across a field, much less the hours-long journey from the city.
Gran's slippers brushed softly against the floor as she came around the table and sat next to me. Her thin arm wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me close. I resisted for a heartbeat, clinging to the remnants of my anger, but then I gave up and collapsed against her. "She isn't coming, is she?" The words came out muffled from where my face pressed against her dress.
I felt rather than heard Gran sigh. "Oh, my sweet girl, there's no telling what Genevieve will or won't do. I gave up trying to understand that woman a long time ago."
I stiffened. "She isn't that woman, Gran. She's my mother."
She inhaled deeply, and I waited for her to launch into her usual tirade, but she stayed silent. Which was somehow worse. I'd always thought the warm feeling I got whenever Gran spoke out against my mother came from my righteous satisfaction at being able to defend her, but maybe that wasn't it at all? Maybe what really fueled the feeling was Gran's assurance that it wasn't our fault and that we deserved better. I bit my lip, wishing Gran would say Genevieve was a terrible mother, that she was selfish, that she wasn't worthy of children like us.
But she said nothing at all; she wasn't even looking at me. Her eyes were fixed on the fire, her normally smiling mouth turned ever so slightly down at the corners. My heart began to beat harder in my chest, unease pricking at my skin. "It's Joss' fault." I knew it wasn't, but I hoped my accusation would provoke her into saying something. "She doesn't even care."
Gran met my gaze and sniffed disparagingly. "Is that what you think?" She shook her head slowly. "Your sister was barely more than a baby when you left Trianon. That city was never a home to her, and Genevieve has never been a mother to her. To your sister, that woman isn't just a stranger, she's a stranger who's slowly pulling apart her family. She took back your brother, and now Joss is afraid she'll take back you. And you've made it very clear to us that that is exactly what you want."
I flinched, feeling the slow burn of shame rise on my cheeks, because I knew it was true. I did want to live with my mother in the city. How could I not? How much better a life would it be to live in her big home with new dresses, and servants, and no chores? And there was my most secret wish — the one I had never told anyone — that one day I too might be able to stand on stage and sing to adoring crowds. But now that dream seemed tarnished by selfishness, as though wanting to do something more than slop pigs and milk cows made me a bad sister, a bad granddaughter.