It's easy because I don't have to look at him, I can just spurt out all the stuff that's going wrong in my life. I take a deep breath. I'm going to attempt to say it all without going into hysterics again. "My mom has a date over, her boss and Mrs. Reynolds' son. I think my mom likes him, but I don't know if I'm ready for her to start dating. I know it's selfish, but my dad has practically ignored me ever since the divorce. He's re-married, you know. And I think his wife wants a kid, as if he doesn't already have one. To top it off, my doctor said I should play tennis again, and every time I think about it my throat starts constricting and I have to remember to breathe ... and then I call you because you're the only one I feel I can talk to. Which is ridiculous because its you."
Caleb plays with a piece of grass he's plucked from the ground. "Do you think your mom would be happy with this boss guy?" he asks.
I think back to the way Mom laughed at the Fall Festival and how nervous she was tonight. "Yeah, I do. But that's the part that scares me. It's like ending a chapter in your life and starting over. A single mom, boyfriends ... so much has changed."
"You're stressing too much about what might be. Do something to take your mind off thinking about what might never happen."
"Like what?"
"Pick up a racquet."
"That's not funny," I say, already stressing and wanting to flee.
"I'm not trying to be funny, Maggie." I hear him sigh, a low breath that comes out slow. "Can I see your scars?"
Oh my God. "No." I shake my head feverishly while still staring at the ground. And I'm aware that my breathing just got heavier.
"Please don't freak out on me." I'm not.
"You are. I went to jail for doing something to you and I have no clue what it looks like."
I turn my head and I'm staring into his eyes, darker and more intense than I've ever seen them. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Do you remember the accident?" he asks, totally focused on my answer.
I shake my head.
"You remember nothing? Our conversation before the accident, me hitting you with the car? Nothing at all?"
"No. It's a big blank. I only know what people told me." He blinks, then looks away. "We fought, you and I."
"About what?"
He gives a short, cynical laugh. "Kendra."
I'm trying to breathe evenly so I don't give him a hint that I do remember. Every word he spat at me when I told him I loved him. It's the only part of that night that's crystal clear to me. The rest is stuck in a foggy haze. "I don't remember," I lie.
"You said she was cheating on me, that you saw her with some other guy but you wouldn't tell me who. You were right, you know," he says. "She was with Brian before I got put in jail." He's staring at me again, and this time I can't look away. "You also said you loved me."
I swallow, still mesmerized by his eyes. Those eyes that never gave me more than a glance a year ago are burning into mine. "I don't remember," I whisper.
"Maggie--" He takes my hand in his and places my palm against his cheek roughened with a day's worth of stubble. He turns his head and kisses the inner, sensitive part of my palm, his eyes holding my gaze. "I should have done this a year ago."
My heart flips over as he leans in and touches his lips to mine.
TWENTY-NINE
Caleb
I couldn't sleep last night, which is nothing new because every night is filled with restlessness. But last night it wasn't nightmares of jail keeping me awake, or the night of the accident and what I could have done differently. I was reliving what happened a few hours ago. Kissing Maggie was the stupidest thing I've ever done. But, looking into her sad eyes and vulnerable face made me want her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.
Last night real emotions were flying. Last night honesty was flying. It felt so raw.
As I'm getting ready for school, I think about our conversation after the kiss. She was nervous, I could tell by the shaking of those lips against mine. She'd closed her eyes and clutched at me as our lips met. I swear I've never been more turned on. When I leaned back, she had a worried look on her face as if I was going to give her a flunking grade on her kissing skills.
I can't believe that happened, she'd said.
I don't even know how I responded. All I remember is this feeling of stupidity washing over me, and wondering what the hell made me kiss a girl I should avoid getting close to at all costs. But being close to her felt so damn right, I couldn't resist her. We've been through so much, our lives are meshed and we're stuck in this web together. The sick thing is, I don't want to get out of it.
Maggie is frustrating, she's confused, she's angry ... and she hums these ridiculous tunes when she's working at Mrs. Reynolds' house. You'd think I'd go nuts from it. I can't help that I like it when she blows her hair off of her face when she's working, or when she looks at Mrs. Reynolds sideways when she's insisting Maggie's planting her stupid bulbs wrong ... and when she's not humming, I resist the urge to tell her to continue.
Get a grip, Caleb. After you kissed her she ran home as fast as she could.
Okay, so after I kissed her she left me at the tree wondering how I got myself into this mess. As much as I want Maggie, I can't have her. Maybe I should write a letter and slip it into her locker, apologizing for last night.