I nod. “I understand. I’d hate me, too, I think.”
“But then I started to get to know you, against my better judgment. You’re not one of them. You have your own set of rights and wrongs, your own code that you live by. I began to fall in love with you. And that scared me to death.”
My heart leaps in my chest. In love with me. Jareth is in love with me. He doesn’t see me as the pathetic freak who doesn’t fit in. The one whose own father doesn’t care if she lives or dies. He knows the real me and he loves me. How totally mind-blowing is that?
“I love you, too, Jareth,” I whisper. “So much.”
He leans forward to kiss me, but I stop him before his lips reach mine. It’s torture to do so, but I feel I must.
“Wait. I don’t know how contagious I am,” I say. “I don’t want you to get sick, too.”
His face crumbles and I realize for one moment we both forgot my situation. That it doesn’t matter who’s in love with who because soon there will be no me to be in love with.
“Oh, Rayne,” he murmurs, swiping at the bloody tears that spring from the corners of his eyes.
He doesn’t need to say anything else. I know exactly what he’s thinking. He finally allowed himself to love again, and now he’s going to lose again.
Sometimes destiny is, like, so unfair.
30
THURSDAY, JUNE 14, 3 P.M.
Vampires Suck
I should have never trusted Jareth. I knew better. I absolutely knew better!
I can’t believe I shared all that stuff with him. Opened up for the first time and told him things. Things I haven’t told anyone. About my dad. About my failed relationships. About how scared and lonely I am half the time. How I’m sick of pretending I don’t care about anything or anyone when I probably care more deeply than anything and anyone I know.
He seemed so genuine. So caring and sweet. He told me his sob story. About his family. Slayer Inc. He told me he was in love with me. He told me he’d stick by my side and not give up. He told me he’d try to find the antidote.
But now he’s gone. Disappeared. I’m lying here in my bed, dying, and he’s nowhere to be found.
After our night on the beach, the virus kicked in with a vengeance and I’ve been bedridden ever since, sick as a dog. Everything aches and I’m so weak I can barely sit up. And the only thing I am pining for is Jareth. I want to see him one last time before I die. To feel his hands on me and hear his gentle voice whisper in my ear, telling me everything is going to be okay.
So where the hell is he?
I hate men. Vampires. People in general. You know, in a way I’m effing glad to effing die. At least then the pain will end. The hurt and anguish and suffering that I feel on a daily basis will slip away as I’m carried over the abyss. The soothing waters of death will claim me and everyone will be sorry and they’ll cry and say, “Oh what a great girl” when gawking at my body during the wake and funeral. And maybe my dad will show up and he’ll be so sorry that he never took the time to know me.
Yeah, my death will serve them right.
31
THURSDAY, JUNE 14 (CONTINUED)
Waiting for Death
Sorry about that earlier rant. I was just so mad I could hardly see. Or maybe that’s just a symptom of the horrible sickness. It’s totally taken hold now. I feel like I have mono and the chicken pox and the bubonic plague, all rolled into one. I’m handwriting this, because I’m too weak to sit at into one. I’m handwriting this, because I’m too weak to sit at the computer.
My mom is freaking-out worried and she doesn’t even know the half of it. She takes me to a dozen doctors and they run a ton of tests, but no one can figure out what’s wrong with me, of course, and in the end, they just send me home, having no idea this sickness is fatal.
Luckily Mom has David to take care of her. And he’s a master at calming her down. At least I can die knowing I’m not leaving her all alone.
Sunny’s a mess, too. Somehow she has figured out a way to blame herself for all of this. If Magnus hadn’t bit her by mistake to begin with then I’d be a vampire, not a slayer. And I’d never have been at the Blood Bar, thus Maverick would never have been able to infect me. I try to remind her that then Magnus would have gotten infected through Rachel and Charity and, as his blood mate, I would have gotten infected through him.
In the end, I still die. It seems my destiny. I hope they’ve got a good backup slayer.
The vamps and Slayer Inc. have been working furiously to come up with an antidote from the virus sample we stole, but haven’t had any luck. If they only had more time, they say. But my time is nearly up. If I’m average, I’ll probably die tomorrow. If I’m lucky, I may live one more day.
The way I feel right now, I’d rather just die and get it over with.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot as I lie in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, while everyone hustles around to make sure I have everything I need to be as comfortable as possible. What will it be like? Where will I go? What will people do when I’m gone? Will they follow my wishes and play Bauhaus at my funeral?
My dad hasn’t come. That’s the most infuriating thing.
I thought for sure when Sunny called him and told him I was dying that he’d be on the next plane. I don’t know why. Instead he laughed her off and said she was being overly dramatic.
I hate him.
Him and Jareth.
After Jareth brought me back from the beach, he said he had some things to take care of and that he’d be back. But he hasn’t been. And as I lay here dying, the one person my heart aches for is not here. I try not to care. I try to rebuild the wall, as that old band Pink Floyd would have advised. Try to regain my black ice princess shell that Mike Stevens always teases me about. The one where I don’t care about anyone or anything. But the ice has melted. I’m vulnerable. Cut open and bleeding.