“That won't happen again.”
“You sure? Because the way you're in denial and shut down when someone even mentions Jasper's name, I'd say you're trying too hard to make it seem like you're over everything.”
“Beth, that's enough.”
I know I'm pretty much confirming her suspicion with my sharp response, even though it's not true, but I can't even think about him without losing it, let alone discuss what happened. Not even with her.
“You know how it is with denial. It's like with diets. First you don't dare to eat a single piece of chocolate, and when you snap, you devour the whole bar and lick the foil clean.”
I don't know what's worse, her taunting voice or the way she looks at me, her eyes narrowed but her gaze intense.
“You know what Bella means to me. She's everything to me. It's not like I'm missing anything when I'm with her.”
And I won't, ever, change my mind, I'm sure of that. This is my one chance of forgiveness, and I'm not going to ruin it all just because some very small part of me might yearn for a little variety sometimes -
I snap myself out of it before my train of thought can run any further. I'm not angry at Beth, I'm angry at myself, but she still snorts at the face I must be making.
“Relax. Just rattling your cage a little, no need to snap my head off.” We both know that she did a lot more than that, but since she's willing to let it slide, I don't protest. Once again Beth saves the day by returning to discuss my plans.
“That's one corset, what about the other?”
Quickly ordering my thoughts, I nod at the other room where Raven is doubtlessly still trying to listen in on our conversation.
“If we want to go to a play party, Bella needs something to wear. As much as I love having her naked, I don't think she'd appreciate showing up at a party in just a leather collar.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“Black leather, high, you know, like the ones that lift and squish her br**sts together? And have the bottom down to her hips. With knee high boots and a short skirt she should feel dressed enough, but if she wants to do more than chat and observe, I can still do a lot to her without having to peel her out of the corset.”
Beth nods her approval.
“Sounds good to me. So you think we'll see you in three weeks? It would be the ideal occasion, just a few people, most of whom she already knows, no big deal. Charlotte and Peter already said they'd come, I'm sure Charlotte will be happy to keep Bella company the whole evening long after they're done with their shibari demo.”
“Like I'd have anything else to do than keep Bella company?” Now her smirk is as nasty as it gets.
“No, but knowing you, you'll try to talk her into doing something, even if it's just a quick blow job outside. I'm sure Bella will be grateful if Charlotte's around to run interference so you won't get too pesky.”
“Like I'd do that.”
“Don't even bother denying it. I know that look on your face. Bella in a real, tight corset, I wonder if I shouldn't call her before and ask her if she wants to dress up here, or else it's likely you won't even make it into the car.” That might just be true. I wonder for a moment if I should surprise her with the corset, or have her try it on a day or two in advance. Then we'd have all the time in the world for me to get used to her wearing it.
And at that point my c**k is rock hard again. Fuck.
We keep talking about this and that for a while longer, and gradually the monster in my pants falls asleep again. Time flies, and I have to hurry to make my shift, but before I can take my leave, Beth holds me back. I eye her askance, and the serious look on her face makes me grow cold.
“You need to talk with someone. I understand if you don't want to talk with Bella, although I'm sure she'd appreciate you coming to her. But just denying anything happened only makes things worse.” For a moment I'm ashamed that we even need to have this conversation, but then the low simmering resentment is back.
“Do you really think so little of me that you expect me to randomly jump some guy again when the itch gets too strong?”
She scoffs, and I'm insanely relieved when I see that it's true derision.
“No, of course not, and I don't even expect you to jump Jazz should the opportunity ever arrive. Edward, I'm not questioning your sincerity, or your conviction. And I'm not here to make it all better, for you. But just think for a moment how Bella must feel. Whatever you feel, she's still friends with Jasper, and I know you two spend time with him and Alice. Don't you think that it kills her every time she has to sit next to you while you ooze resentment because she once again made you come along. Your self-doubt and misgivings are a festering wound that you need to heal for her sake, if not for your own. You can't just wait for it to go away, because, surprise, it won't.”
I sigh and rub the bridge of my nose. She's right. Of course she is, she's Beth. I hate it when she reads me like I'm an open book, but then she's stuck with me through the second most horrible time in my life, when Tanya discarded me like a used rag. Not even Bella knows me as well as Beth does. I hope that will change one day, but that's not a topic that I can freely discuss with Bella.
Beth judges my silence right, and she briefly hugs me before she steps away, dismissing me.
“Go save some lives. And think about what I've said. Play party, munch, talking. Of course you can go see a shrink, too, but you know I'm a lot cheaper, and you don't have to tell me first that you're a not-quite-so-closet pervert, I already know.”