"Hi Rose. Up until you were trying to deafen me I was taking a break from work, but now I might as well drag my sorry carcass over to the next otolaryngologist."
Her answer is her signature throaty laugh, followed by a sound that I presume stems from her biting into a gherkin.
"Oh, you think your slinging of fancy medical words impresses me? Bite me. You call on a Saturday evening and you better be prepared to hear some background noise! Be happy you didn't call while we were getting it on, with my whale ass that's a tremendous undertaking by now and produces all kinds of squeaks and pants." She stops, and the laughter returns to her voice. "Too much information?"
"Rose, I'm a doctor, you have to try a lot harder to weird me out."
"Okay, well then it will doubtlessly interest you that of late I'm always farting when Em is f**king me hard from behind, because quite frankly I can't really draw my knees up to my girnormous boobs anymore and -"
I try to just blank out the following recount while I chase a few errant peas across my plate.
"Doubtlessly this is very crucial information that you couldn't have lived without obtaining another day. Right, E?"
"You know me so well, it's daunting."
Again she laughs, and more gherkin munching ensues.
"So why are you really calling?"
"What makes you think this isn't just a social call? After all it's been a while since we talked."
"Sure, E, delude yourself. But one of these days it's gonna creep up on you and I'm sure I don't want to be around when all your shit comes back to haunt you. If it isn't already doing that, which I presume it is, in turn being the reason for your call. Am I about right?"
I hesitate, and that seems to be enough of an answer for her.
"Fuck, Edward, just spill it. You know that of all the people around I'm the one least prone to judge you for whatever you feel keeps dragging on your soul."
I want to protest but swallow those words before they can escape my mouth. She's right, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. My recent talk with Beth told me plainly that she'll sooner or later drag everything out of me, and while non-judgmental in so many things, Beth wouldn't understand why I can't talk about some things. To her, I'm just creating my own problems. Maybe I am. A little late I realize that Rose is, once again, the voice of wisdom. Probably a good thing she and Emmett hooked up so they can sass each other to death, between all the aforementioned noise production.
"I know."
My simple admission seems to stun her into silence, and seconds tick by before I hear her resume munching.
"Awesome that you haven't lost all of your sense along the way. So what's bothering you?"
I sigh, then I tell her what happened yesterday - trying at first to keep it all in the chronological order and without the inevitable subjective comments, but of course I fail. I somehow manage to keep my voice down and not curse Jazz six ways to Sunday, but I can tell that some of my more acerbic expressions cause a few highly amused snorts from Rose.
"Ah, I see," she surmises when I'm done, while I hear the fridge open and close in the background. "Guess that's not something you can f**k out of your system, feeling betrayed by your girl when all she's attempting to do is making it right for everyone around."
I try to keep my mouth shut, but of course I can't.
"She shouldn't try to please everyone. Just me."
I know I'm calling righteous anger down on myself with statements like that, but Rose only laughs at me.
"Yeah, you know, if you can talk her into going for the 24/7 thing so you can forbid her to ever talk to Jazz again you'd be rid of the whole problem.
Wouldn't that be the easy way out?"
"Because she'd tell me to f**k off and never come near her again? I guess."
Her mirth grates a little, but I know that Rose only means well.
"Good to see you at least know sometimes when you're acting like a total ass. But to be serious again, can you deal with the whole situation? Deal with Bella hanging out with Jazz while you're not there to make sure she doesn't do anything you don't want her to do?"
The idea is ridiculous to me, but her words nevertheless succeed in planting the smallest seed of doubt and suspicion.
"I know she wouldn't do anything like that. Even if she might slam it in my face when we're fighting, I don't think there's anyone who she'd be less interested in having an affair with than him."
"So it's really just that you feel like she should see reason and cut her ties with him because you don't want to see his lying, manipulative ass anymore? Sheesh, Edward, grow a pair! Might as well buy Bella another strap-on because I think you just got the anatomy for it!"
The mention of my girl and her new toy have the opposite effect on me than Rose probably intended, but I know what she meant by that.
"Is it too much to ask that she at least sees what she, and almost everyone else, is doing to me?"
I know I sound whiny when I say that, but the damage is done. Rose is quiet for a few moments as if she is debating with herself what to tell me, and when she talks again she's no longer taunting me.
"I think she really didn't see it. You know how Bella wants to live in her perfect world where you can be the love of her life and Jazz her best friend.
Don't hold it against her that she'd rather be a little ignorant than tear herself apart because she can't do miracles. But now you opened her eyes and I'm sure she will consider her actions better from now on. She loves you, and I'm sure she really meant it that she'd always choose you over him. Isn't that enough for you?"