"Anything I can do to help?" I whispered.
Luz smiled. "You are here. That is help."
She pulled a few leaves from her pocket, crushing them together in her hands. They smelled like fresh-cut grass, or mint. She knelt and rubbed her palms on my sneakers and the legs of my jeans.
I'd always kind of rolled my eyes at her spells before, but tonight I felt in need of protection.
"Maybe you will sing to her."
I swallowed, wondering if Luz had somehow divined what I'd been planning. "Sing? But you always said - "
"Sí." Her eyes sparked in the darkness. "But she is better now. However, to keep you safe..."
She pressed a familiar little doll into my hands, stroking its tattered red yarn hair into place. It stared up at me, smiling maniacally, one button eye dangling from two black threads, setting my stomach fluttering again.
The doll was the creepiest of Luz's rituals of protection. But suddenly it made sense. It had always been Min's favorite back when we were little, the only object she'd ever really been attached to, besides the ring she'd thrown at Mark in front of the whole System. I was glad to have the doll tonight, even if Minerva hadn't been violent since her family had given up on drugs and doctors and had switched to Luz.
I wondered how they'd found her. Were esotericas listed in the phone book? Was Esoterica a cool band name, or too lateral? Was the Big Riff in my pocket really a kind of magic -
"Don't be afraid," Luz whispered. Then she opened the door with one strong hand, the other pushing me into the darkness. "Go and sing."
6. MADNESS
- MINERVA-
Pearl was glowing. Her face shimmered as the door swung closed, setting the candle flickering jaggedly.
"You're shiny," I murmured, squinting.
She swallowed, licking her upper lip. I could smell her nervous saltiness.
"It's hot out."
"It's summer, right?"
"Yeah, middle of August." Pearl frowned, even though I'd been right.
I closed my eyes, remembering April, May... all the way up to graduation. Pearl was jealous because she had to go back to Juilliard next year, though everyone else in the Nerv -
The thing inside me flinched.
Zombie made a grumpy noise and rolled over on my belly. His big green eyes opened slowly, surveying Pearl.
"I have good news," she said softly. When I first got sick, I hated the sound of her voice, but not anymore. I was getting better - I didn't hate Pearl, or anyone human. All I hated now was the Vile Thing she brought every time she visited. It hung from her hands, one eyeball dangling, leering at me.
I tried to smile, but the lenses of Pearl's glasses caught the candlelight, bright as a camera flash, and I had to turn away.
She raised her voice a little. "You okay?"
"Sure. It's just a little bright today." Sometimes I blew out the candle, but that made Luz cross. She said I'd have to get used to it if I was ever going to leave this room again.
But my room was nice. It smelled like Zombie and me and the thing inside us.
"So I met these guys," Pearl said, talking fast now, forgetting to whisper. "They've been playing together for a while. They're nine kinds of raw, not like Nervous - "
I must have flinched again, because Pearl went quiet. Zombie mur-rowed and dropped heavily to the floor. He started toward her, winding his way through my old toys and clothes and sheet music, all the objects on the floor that crept closer every night while I slept.
"We weren't so bad," I managed to say.
"Yeah, but these guys are fawesome." She paused, smiling at herself. Pearl always liked silly, made-up words. "They're sort of New Sound, like Morgan's Army, but more raw. Like when we started, before you-know-who messed up your head. But without six composers trying to write one song. These two guys are much more..."
"Controllable?" I said.
Pearl frowned, and the Vile Thing in her hands glared at me.
"I was going to say mellow."
Zombie had tiptoed up behind Pearl, like he'd been planning to wind through her legs. But he was slinking close to the floor now, sniffing at her shoes suspiciously. He didn't like the smell of anyone but me these days.
"But I was thinking, and maybe this is stupid." Pearl shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "If these guys work out, and you keep getting better - "
"I'm already better."
"That's what Luz says. The three of us aren't ready yet, but maybe by the time we are..." Her voice wavered, sounding fragile. "It would be great if you could sing for us."
Her words made me close my eyes, something huge moving through my body, half painful, half restless. It took a moment to recognize, because it had been gone for so long.
To twist and turn, spreading out and surrounding people, drowning them - my voice seething, boiling, filling up the air.
I wanted to sing again...
A slow sigh deflated me. What if it still hurt, like everything else that wasn't Zombie or darkness? I had to test myself first.
"Could you do something for me, Pearl?"
"Anything."
"Say my name."
"Crap, no way. Luz would kick my ass."
I smelled Pearl's fear in the room and heard Zombie's soft footfalls retreating from her. He jumped up onto the bed, warm and nervous next to me. I opened my eyes, trying not to squint in the candle-brightness.
Pearl was sweating again, pacing like Zombie does because Luz never lets him go outside. "She said that singing might be okay. But your name? Are you sure?"
"I'm not sure, Pearl. That's why you have to."
She swallowed. "Okay... Min."
I snorted. "Shiny, smelly Pearl. Can't even do the whole thing?"
She stared at me for a long moment, then said softly, "Minerva?"
I shuddered out of habit, but the sickness didn't come. Then she said the name again, and nothing swept through me. Nothing but relief. Even Luz had never managed that.
It felt outlandish and magnificent, as naughty as a cigarette after voice class. I closed my eyes and smiled.
"Are you okay?" she whispered.
"Very. And I want to sing for your band, Pearl. You brought music, didn't you?"
She nodded, smiling back at me. "Yeah. I mean, I wasn't sure if you... But we have this really cool riff." She reached into her pocket for a little white sliver of plastic, then began to unwind the earphones wrapped around it. "This is after only one day of practice - well, six years and a day - but there's no chorus or anything yet. You can write your own words."