And then there was taking a bath…. In a way that was the first time some of the hairiest implications of what I’d done began to sink in. I’d told Billy, during some night feed or other, that it went nuts any time I tried to lay it down…and then we’d found out the hard way the next day that it hated Billy trying to hold it only slightly less than it hated being laid down. This was a blow. Make that a BLOW. Until it happened I hadn’t thought about having someone to trade off red welts and disgustingness duty and nooo sleep with—but it occurred to me real fast at that point that I didn’t have it. That I wasn’t going to have it. And dragonlets stay in their moms’ pouches how long??? Also I was used to Billy being able to do anything—including get me out of any trouble I was in. But I was too zonked to follow what this really meant very far. And that’s a good thing.
Maybe the teakettle and being in a square place lined with planks (called a “cabin”) and furniture and plumbing and stuff were the thing too many for the dragonlet (see: dragons do not fit in the human world, and don’t forget the “duh”) like getting back to human space seemed to be this weird shock to me. My new permanent headache, which I was almost sort of getting used to, was making me feel queasy and dizzy. But the bath was a kind of a watershed (ha ha ha) moment for both of us. The dragonlet had a complete mini Eric-type meltdown. I thought it was going to do itself an injury when we tried to make it a nest with (a) warm ashes, (b) warmed-up blankets, (c) anything else we could think of.
So the way it ended up was, we kept the dragonlet half wrapped in a piece of my by then truly gross shirt and moved it kind of up and down my front while I got in the bath that way and tried to wash around it, which is to say Billy held it while I tried to wash—this was more embarrassing than I can begin to tell you and it was only being so tired and out of it that made it even possible—and then I got up on my knees and Billy held it against my back while I crouched forward to wash my face and hair. Oh good. New red spots too.
Billy noticed the red spots, both old and new—he’d probably noticed before but maybe he hadn’t realized how many of them there were—and did his more-expressionless-than-expressionless wooden-Indian face thing and I noticed, which was interesting, since I wasn’t noticing anything, but I suppose it just proves I was fully into my new dragonlet-defending-and-fostering role, because I said, “Oh, they don’t hurt, they’re just marks, they’re no big deal, they’re no deal.” And I looked at Billy and Billy looked at me and I could see that Billy knew I was lying but I just kept looking at him and…he looked away. I didn’t get into staring contests with Billy because I knew who won and it wasn’t me, and furthermore I’d had this one standing there naked and stinking (and red-spotted). The maternal instinct is sure powerful.
The dragonlet hated all of this. I started getting so worried that it would explode or something that I sort of hurried up. Besides, there’s only so much embarrassment you can take at one time.
The dragonlet wasn’t crazy about clean clothes either but I guess it was so glad to see its pouch equivalent again it wasn’t going to complain. And Billy had come up with some new kind of salve for my stomach (and my back, and my arm) which the dragonlet seemed to like a lot, so we smeared some all over it and then wiped some off again which kind of cleaned it up too, but the salve made it fantastically slippery like a sort of extra-large watermelon seed with legs, and by the end of the process my clean sweatshirt and sweatpants were almost as sticky and disgusting as my shirt had been, although we smelled a lot better than we had. And Billy—which may be the single best thing he’s ever done for me in my entire life—had rigged up a kind of diaper for the dragonlet—it didn’t have any tail to speak of yet, just a kind of vaguely pointy lump at the back end—so I stayed poopless.
This was so blissful my third night of almost no sleep seemed almost okay. Even if Mom was in a lot of my dreams, when I got near enough to being asleep to have dreams. Although you may have noticed that you can dream even when you’re only about half asleep, and know it, like you know you’re still lying on a thin little rubbery mattress under mousy-smelling blankets curled up around a pillow supporting a dragonlet against your stomach. I even said to her once, I’m too tired to be dreaming. Even about you. Bang bang bang went the headache. The headache never slept.
If you’ve ever been for a long time without anything like enough sleep you know that you get pretty non compos pretty soon. I was forgetting things the moment Billy said them and couldn’t really think of anything but feeding the dragonlet. (And talking to it. I was still doing that. Although I was still calling it Ugly.) It was like my life had become feeding the dragonlet and I hadn’t noticed or minded. This was just the way it was now. A haze punctuated by feeding the dragonlet. Speaking of the maternal instinct. Maybe the headache was the fourteen-year-old boy with a dragonlet version of postnatal depression.
The haze was also stabbed and ripped up by visions of the dying dragon’s eye. The cavescape was still there when I looked into her eye—which is where the dreams about her always started—but I seemed to get farther in now, when I did that weird stepping-forward thing, till there was nothing behind me either except more caves—reddishy purply and shadowy and smoky and twinkling and something else, I don’t know what, some presence. Sometimes I got so far in I imagined seeing her with a lot of other dragons there, in those magical-looking caves that I’d got into by looking into her eye. Real Arabian Nights stuff. I didn’t try saying “open sesame” but I’m not sure I wanted to leave.
I don’t know why I thought the caves had to be magical except that like I’ve told you that’s the way I’ve always been about caves. And these didn’t look anything like the caves near the Institute. These had stalactites and stalagmites that were landscapes and worlds all by themselves, and in colors you can’t even really dream. I’d be looking at some stony sculpture Michelangelo would have killed his grandmother to have been able to do, and thinking, I don’t know that color, that color doesn’t exist, but like wow. Those dreams—whatever they were—were another thing that made the headache worse, although it was a weird kind of worse, there was something kind of curvy and rippling about it, like one of the cave sculptures, and it like fitted into my head differently, almost as if it thought it belonged there and couldn’t figure out why it couldn’t make itself comfortable. And made me uncomfortable. Sometimes I felt it would have apologized if it could’ve figured out how. Nuts of course. Of course I had a headache most of the time—it was just from not getting enough sleep.