“Sorry,” I breathe, and rub my neck. “Bringing up a sensitive subject while you’re armed wasn’t smart on my part.”
He shrugs, but he doesn’t look convinced. “No, we should talk about it.”
“Tell that to everyone else,” I grunt. “They just run off on missions and come back bleeding and say, ‘We’ll get it next time, and then we’ll get the other half, then we’ll raise allies and overthrow Spring and save everyone.’ As if it’s all so easy. If it’s so easy, why don’t we talk about it more?”
“It hurts too much,” Mather says. Just that simple.
That makes me stop. I meet his eyes, a long, careful gaze. “Someday it won’t hurt.”
The promise we refugees always make one another—before going on missions, whenever people come back bleeding and hurt, whenever things go badly and we’re huddling together in terror. We’ll be better . . . someday.
Mather sheathes his blade and pauses, his hand on the hilt, before taking two steps toward me and cupping his palm around my shoulder. As I start, my eyes jerking up to his, he realizes what he’s doing and pulls his hand back.
“Someday,” he agrees, voice clipped. The way he clenches and unclenches the hand that touched me makes my stomach flip over in a spiral of thrill. “For now, all we need to worry about is getting our locket back so we gain standing as a kingdom again and can get allies to fight Spring with us. Oh, and we need to make sure you’re able to do more than lie down during a sword fight.”
I mock-laugh. “Hilarious, Your Highness.”
Mather flinches, and I know it’s from the title I used. The title I have to use. Those two words, Your Highness, are the wedge that keeps us the proper distance apart—me, an orphaned soldier-in-training, and him, our future king. No matter our dire circumstances, no matter our shared upbringing, no matter the chill his smile sends over my body, he’s still him, and I’m still me, and yes, he needs to have a female heir someday, but with a proper lady, a duchess or a princess—not the girl who spars with him.
Mather draws his sword again as I hunt through the prairie grass for my discarded blade, refocusing on the task at hand rather than on the way his eyes follow me through the tall, yellow stalks. Camp stands a few paces ahead of us, the wide prairie lands camouflaging our pale brown-and-yellow tents. That and the fact that the Rania Plains aren’t friendly to travelers has kept us safe for the last five years in this pathetic home—or as close to home as we have right now.
I pause in my search, staring at the camp with a growing weight on my shoulders. Far enough from Spring not to be discovered, close enough to be able to stage quick scouting missions, it’s just a smattering of five tents, plus one pen for horses and another for our two cows. Otherwise the Rania Plains are barren, dry, and hot, even by the sweltering standards of the Summer Kingdom, and as such they sit empty, a territory none of the eight kingdoms of Primoria wants to claim. It took us three years to get a handful of scrawny vegetables to pop out of our garden, let alone enough crops to make occupying the plains worthwhile for a kingdom. So much conduit magic would have to be used to make the soil yield crops that it’d hardly be worth it, and no one can make a profit from watching the sun set.
But all of this is enough to keep the eight of us alive. Eight, out of the original twenty-five who escaped Winter’s fall. Thinking about those numbers makes my stomach seize. Our kingdom used to be home to more than a hundred thousand Winterians, and most of them were massacred in Spring’s invasion. The ones who weren’t now sit in work camps throughout Spring. However few are left, waiting in slavery, they’re worth enduring this nomadic lifestyle we live now. Those people are Winter, pieces of the life we should be leading, and they deserve—we all deserve—a real life, a real kingdom.
And no matter how long Sir restricts me to lesser missions, no matter how often I wonder if getting the locket pieces will be enough to win allies and free our kingdom, I’ll be ready to help. I know Sir is aware of the dedication pulsing inside me; I know he understands that I share his desire to get Winter back. And someday, he won’t be able to ignore me anymore.
On one trip to Yakim, one of the Rhythm Kingdoms, when I was twelve, a group of men cornered Sir and me in an alley, raving about the barbaric, warmongering Seasons. How they’d rather we kill each other off so their queen could swoop in and pick through the rubble of our kingdom to find what they blame the Seasons for losing: Primoria’s source of magic, the chasm atop which our four kingdoms sit.
“They really want us to kill each other?” I asked Sir after we managed to escape. I had fought one of them off myself, but as we scaled an alley wall to get away from them, my pride ebbed into confused shame.
Somewhere beneath the Season Kingdoms lies a giant, pulsing ball of magic; and somewhere in our Klaryn Mountains there was once an entrance to it. Only the four Season Kingdoms’ lands are affected by the chasm—in the extremity and consistency of their environments—but every king and queen in Primoria, Rhythm and Season, possesses a portion of that magic in their conduits and can use it to help their kingdoms. The four Rhythm Kingdoms hate us for the fact that this is all they have, magic in objects like a dagger, a necklace, a ring. They hate us for letting the entrance get lost to age and avalanches and memory, for living directly atop the magic and not tearing our kingdoms apart to dig down and get more of it.
Sir stopped and crouched to my level, then scooped up a handful of melting snow from the side of the road. “The Rhythm Kingdoms envy us,” he said to the slush. “Our kingdom stays in winter all year, in glorious snow and ice, while their kingdoms cycle through all four seasons. They have to tolerate melting snow and suffocating heat.” He winked at me and pulled up his best smile, a rare treat that made my chest cold with happiness. “We should feel bad for them.”
I crinkled my nose at the brown sludge, but I couldn’t stop myself from sharing his smile, basking in the camaraderie between us. In that moment, I felt more like a Winterian, more a part of this crusade to save our kingdom, than I ever had before.
“I’d rather have winter all the time,” I told him.
His smile faded. “Me too.”
That was only the first time I felt—knew—that Sir saw the willingness in me. But no matter how often I prove myself, I can never push beyond his restrictions—though that won’t stop me from trying. That’s what all of us do: keep trying to live, to survive, to get our kingdom back no matter what.