“This is the dumbest-assed game ever invented,” he pouts.
“Chess wasn’t invented. It was discovered.”
“Like America?”
“Like mathematics.”
“I knew girls just like you in school.” He leaves the point there and starts to set up the board again.
“That’s all right, Razor. I’m tired.”
“Tomorrow I’m bringing some checkers.” Spoken like a threat.
He doesn’t, though. Tray, box, board. This time he sets up the pieces in a strange configuration: the black king in the center facing him, the queen on the edge facing the king, three pawns behind the king at ten, twelve, and two o’clock, one knight on the king’s right, another on his left, a bishop directly behind him and, next to the bishop, another pawn. Then Razor looks at me, wearing that seraphic grin.
“Okay.” I’m nodding, not sure why.
“I’ve invented a game. Are you ready? It’s called . . .” He taps on the bedrail to produce a drumroll. “Chaseball!”
“Chaseball?”
“Chess-baseball. Chaseball. Get it?” He plops a coin beside the board.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“It’s a quarter.”
“I know it’s a quarter.”
“For the purposes of the game, it’s the ball. Well, not really the ball, but it represents the ball. Or what happens with the ball. If you’d be quiet a second, I could explain all the rules.”
“I wasn’t talking.”
“Good. You give me a headache when you talk. Name-calling and Yoda quotes about chess and cryptic elephant stories. You want to play or not?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer. He places a white pawn just in front of the black queen, saying that’s him, the batter.
“You should lead off with your queen. She’s the most powerful.”
“That’s why she bats cleanup.” He shakes his head. My ignorance is astounding. “Real simple: Defense, that’s you, flips first. Heads, it’s a strike. Tails, a ball.”
“A coin won’t work,” I point out. “There are three possibilities: strike, ball, or a hit.”
“Actually, there are four, counting fouls. You stick to chess; I’ll handle baseball.”
“Chaseball,” I correct him.
“Anyway. If you flip a ball, that’s a ball, and you flip again. Comes up heads, though, and then I get the coin. See, that gives me a chance to get a hit. Heads I connect, tails I miss. If I miss, strike one. And so on.”
“I get it. And if you flip heads, I get the coin back to see if I can field it. Heads I throw you out . . .”
“Wrong! So wrong! No. First I flip, three times. Four times if I get a TT.”
“TT?”
“Two tails. That’s a triple. With a TT you get one more flip: heads is a home run; tails, just a triple. Heads-heads is a single; heads-tails is a double.”
“Maybe we should just start playing and you can—”
“Then you get the coin back to see if you can field my potential single, double, triple, or homer. Heads, I’m out. Tails, I’m on base.” He takes a deep breath. “Unless it’s a home run, of course.”
“Of course.”
“Are you making fun of me? Because I don’t know—”
“I’m just trying to absorb—”
“It kind of sounds like you are. You have no idea how long it took me to come up with this. It’s pretty complicated. I mean, not like the game of kings, but you know what they call baseball, don’t you? The national pastime. Baseball is called the national pastime because, by playing it, we learn how to master time. Or the past. One of ’em.”
“Now you’re the one making fun of me.”
“Actually, I’m the only one making fun of you right now.” He waits. I know what he’s waiting for. “You never smile.”
“Does it matter?”
“Once, when I was a kid, I laughed so hard, I peed my pants. We were at Six Flags. The Ferris wheel.”
“What made you laugh?”
“I can’t remember now.” He slides his hand beneath my wrist and lifts my arm to press the quarter into my upturned palm. “Flip the damn coin so we can play.”
I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but the game isn’t that complicated. He gets very excited on his first hit, triumphantly fist pumping, then proceeding to move the black pieces around the board while he calls the play in a hoarse, high-pitched imitation of an announcer’s voice, like a kid playing with action figures.
“It’s a deep drive into center field!” The center-field pawn slides toward second base, the bishop second baseman and the pawn shortstop drop back, and the left-field pawn runs up, then cuts toward center. That’s with one hand while the other manipulates the quarter, turning it in his fingers like a ball spinning in flight, lowering it as if in slow motion to land in center-left field. It’s so ridiculous and childish that I would have smiled if I still smiled.
“He’s safe!” Razor bellows.
No. Not childish. Childlike. Eyes fever bright, voice rising in excitement, he’s ten again. Not all things are lost, not the important things.
His next hit is a blooper that drops between first base and right field. He creates a dramatic collision between my fielder and baseman, first base sliding back, right field sliding up, then smack! Razor cackles at the impact.
“Wouldn’t that be an error?” I ask. “It’s a catchable ball.”
“Catchable ball? Ringer, it’s just a dorky game I made up in five minutes with a bunch of chess pieces and a quarter.”
Two more hits; he’s three runs up at the top of the first. I’ve always sucked at games of chance. Always hated them for that reason. Razor must sense my enthusiasm waning. He amps up the commentary while sliding the pieces around (despite my pointing out they’re my pieces, since I’m on defense). Another drive deep center-left. Another floater behind first base. Another impact of first baseman and outfielder. I don’t know if he’s repeating himself because he thinks it’s funny or because he has a serious deficit in imagination. There’s a part of me that feels as if I should be deeply affronted on behalf of chess players everywhere.