It didn’t work.
I tried to remind myself that I wasn’t alone in this. That Noah believed me. That he was coming over later and when he did I would tell him everything.
I repeated the words on a loop, hoping they would calm me. I stayed in the shower until it ran cold. But when I emerged, I looked at my desk to find that the doll was no longer smiling.
It was leering.
My skin crawled as I stood there, wrapped in nothing but a towel, facing off with her as my heart beat wildly in my chest.
No, not her. It.
I snatched the doll off my desk. I walked to my closet and stuffed it back in one of my boxes. I knew, I knew the doll’s expression had not changed. My mind was playing tricks on me because I was stressed and panicked and angry, which was what Jude wanted.
I opened my desk drawer, ripped off a length of scotch tape, and taped the box shut, imprisoning the doll inside. No, not imprisoning. Packing. Packing the doll back inside. And then I dressed and made my way back to my father as if nothing had happened at all, because I had no other choice.
Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but how could it when Jude kept picking the scab?
It was early afternoon and Daniel, Joseph, and my mother had all come home. They talked loudly to one another as my father leaned against the pantry cabinets, holding a cracked mug with both hands.
“Mara!” My mother rushed over and wrapped me in a hug the second she noticed me.
Daniel set down his glass. Our eyes met over my mother’s shoulder.
“Thank God you’re okay,” she whispered. “Thank God.”
The hug lasted for an uncomfortably long time and when my mom released me, her eyes were wet. She quickly wiped the tears away and dove for the refrigerator. “What can I get you?”
“I’m okay,” I said.
“How about some toast?”
“I’m not so hungry.”
“Or cookies?” She held up a package of premade cookie dough.
“Yeah, cookies!” Joseph said.
Daniel made a face that I interpreted to mean: Say yes.
I forced a smile. “Cookies would be great.”
The second the words left my mouth, Joseph withdrew a cookie sheet from the drawer beneath the oven. Also the tinfoil. He grabbed the package of cookie dough from my mother and preheated the oven before she could get to it.
“How about some tea?” my mother asked, grasping for something, anything to do.
Daniel nodded his head yes, staring at me.
“I would love some,” I said, following his cue.
“I made hot chocolate,” my dad reminded her.
My mom rubbed her forehead. “Right.” She pulled out a mug from the glass-front cabinet and poured the contents of a saucepan into it, then handed it to me.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She tucked a strand of her short, straight hair behind her ear. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“Miami has the world’s worst drivers,” my father muttered.
My mother’s lips formed a thin line as she busied herself by making a pot of coffee. My eyes flicked to the kitchen window and searched our backyard through the rain.
I was searching for Jude, I realized with an accompanying sting of shame. He was making me paranoid. And I didn’t want to be.
“Hey, Mom?” I asked.
“Hmm?”
“Did you take out my doll?” There was a chance that she, not Jude, had moved it, and I had to be sure.
My mother looked up from the coffeepot, confused. “What doll?”
I exhaled through my nose. “The one I’ve had since I was a baby.”
“Oh, Grandma’s doll? No, honey. Haven’t seen it.”
That’s not what I’d asked, but I had my answer. She didn’t touch it. I knew who did, and this could not go on.
I glanced at the microwave clock, wondering when Noah would get here. I had to behave normally until he did.
“So how was Day One of spring break?” I asked Daniel between sips of hot chocolate. The liquid was warm, but didn’t warm me through.
“We went to the Miami Seaquarium.”
I almost choked. “What?”
Daniel shrugged a shoulder. “Joseph wanted to see the whale.”
“Lolita,” I said, setting down my drink.
My father shot my brother a look. “Wait, what?”
“It’s the name of the killer whale,” Daniel explained.
“How was it?” Mom asked.
Joseph shrugged. “Kind of sad.”
“How come?” Dad’s forehead creased.
“I felt bad for the animals.”
My turn. “Did Noah go with you?” I didn’t honestly care. I just wanted to know the answer to my real question without actually having to ask it or call him. Namely, where was he now, and was he coming back?
“Nope, but he’ll be over in an hour,” Daniel said. “Mom, can he stay for dinner?” He winked at me behind my mother’s back.
Thank you, Daniel.
“How come you ask her and not me?” my dad asked.
“Dad, can Noah stay for dinner?”
He cleared his throat. “Doesn’t his own family want to spend some time with him?”
Daniel made a face. “I don’t think so, actually.”
“Who wants cookies?” Mom asked. I caught the look she exchanged with my father as she opened the oven and the smell of heaven filled the kitchen.
My dad sighed. “It’s fine with me,” he said, and handed me his cell. “Go call him.”
I backed slowly out of the kitchen, then raced to my bedroom. I dialed Noah’s number.
“Hello?”
His voice was warm and rich and home and my eyes closed in relief at the sound of it. “Hi,” I said. “I’m supposed to tell you that you’re invited for dinner.”
“But . . .?”
“Something happened.” I kept my voice low. “How soon can you get here?”
“I’m getting in the car right now.”
“Noah?”
“Yes?”
“Plan to spend the night.”
19
AN HOUR LATER, NOAH STILL HADN’T SHOWN. I was restless and didn’t want to be in my tainted room.
Daniel caught me lurking in the living room, pretending to read one of my parents’ books from college I had found in the garage. I was waiting for Noah, but there was no need to be obvious.