“I’m trying to tell you what the point is.” Her voice comes out a touch sharper than when she spoke before, but she reels it back in with her next sentence. Her voice is softer. “This is our last chance for something like this, P, and you never would’ve done it without her as a reason.” She pauses. “Right?”
It’s true, but I don’t answer her.
“And I would’ve done it for any reason you gave me—you know why?”
I sigh, not wanting to hear her carpe diem speech right now.
“Because school’s about to end, Parker, and when it does, everything’s gonna change. You’re going away, and I’m staying in town, and no matter how much we want things to stay the same between us, they won’t. You’ll make a bunch of friends at Stanford who are all crazy smart and driven like you, and I’ll stay home and try not to become my mom, and pretty soon there’ll be too much between us that’s different. Things change, Parker. It doesn’t take a valedictorian to figure that out.”
She stops and I glance up in time to see her drop her eyes to the floor.
The anger welled up in my chest softens, then starts to recede with the realization that this may be the first time I’ve ever seen a weak spot in Kat’s bravado. She clenches her jaw tight, like she knows she gave too much away. Like she doesn’t know what else to say. Kat doesn’t do tender moments.
It makes me want to reach out and hug her and promise that none of that is true. But what if it is? What if she’s right, and everything changes as soon as I leave? I don’t know what to do with this moment either, because now we’re both standing awkwardly in the middle of the Casa Junction food mart, and I’m pretty sure if we look at each other, one or both of us is gonna cry.
Then, just like she’s always done, Kat steps up when I can’t. “I’m sorry,” she says, and she puts her hand on my arm, and steps close, forcing me to look her in the eye. “I just wanted us to have one last, big thing together that we’ll always be able to look back on and say ‘we did that.’ And if we find Julianna Farnetti while we’re doing it, and you get your happy ending, that’s bonus. And . . .”
I see a smile creep back onto her face, and I know whatever she’s about to say is going to lighten the mood. I’m grateful for it, because I don’t want us to be mad at each other anymore. “And what?” I ask.
“And I thought if I could get you and Trevor together, maybe you’d have one more reason to come back after you leave.” She shrugs. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that crap.”
It’s so ridiculous, I can’t not laugh. “Seriously? That’s how Trevor fits into all of this? As bait to get me to come home? That doesn’t make any logical sense.”
She shrugs. “If you’d just give up the whole prim and proper thing, you’d realize he might actually be something worth coming back for. And then you can look back and say you did that.”
“Oh my God. I’m not gonna sleep with him, if that’s what you’re talking about.”
“Sleep with who?” a familiar voice cuts in.
Of course. Of course he would walk in right at this moment. The last thing in the world I want to do is turn around with my cheeks on fire, but I force myself. “No one,” I manage, and then I pretend to be choosing between a Twix and Sour Patch Kids.
“You. She means she’s not sharing a hotel room with you,” Kat says, like it’s nothing.
“Damn,” Trevor says with a smile. “Had I known that was even a possibility I would’ve gotten my butt in here a lot quicker and made a better case than you just did.”
Kat laughs.
I cringe. “It wasn’t ever—it’s not—what kind of candy did you want again?”
He holds up a pack of Starburst. “Don’t worry about it, I got it. You guys ready to get back to the open road and the chance at something worth coming back for?”
I shake my head and make a run for the counter—no strutting this time. Kat laughs again as she and Trevor follow me, and I make up my mind to try not to be mad at her for using my own ridiculous idea to sucker me into this trip. But just because I don’t want to be mad doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed that she doesn’t seem to think there’s even a chance. Half of me wonders if it’s the same with Trevor, but the other half of me doesn’t want to know. I’d rather spend this trip thinking he believes in something impossible too.
When we get back to the car, I claim tired and volunteer to take the backseat. I don’t think the blush is ever going to leave my cheeks, and between my outfit and Trevor walking in at the perfect moment for my mortification yet again, I don’t feel like riding shotgun. And also—what Kat said to me in the store has left me with this sad, uneasy feeling I need to sort out.
Of course things change, that’s a given. I’ve spent the last four years of my life working and waiting for them to change. Always waiting for the next thing—to graduate, to leave town, to go to college. And it’s felt like an eternity. Time goes by slowly when you spend it waiting. But now, all of a sudden, it feels like everything has sped up. Or like it’s actually been flying by this whole time, and I’ve been too busy waiting to see what was happening all around me. Now I don’t know if it’s too late to try.
24.
“One Step Backward Taken”