The thought sends a jolt of pain through me, not only because I would have missed out on meeting Jason and Sophie’s mom and seeing their home and their city, but also at the thought of suffering through my mother’s judgment and my father’s indifference, and facing emotions I’ve managed to squeeze into the back of my mind since I left home. But right now, it almost seems better to have just gone to Nashville and avoided having Jason look at me like this—like I’ve betrayed him. When really, he’s the one that hurt me.
I should have learned from Isaac. Boys that seem too good to be true usually are.
* * *
I actually consider going home for the holidays, but Momma’s squash casserole on Christmas isn’t worth the grief of looking her in the eyes. Though being around Jason is almost as bad.
Thankfully, he ships off to Busan for a week, and after Sophie takes me shopping and introduces me to a few of her friends who live in Seoul, she manages to convince me to stay for the rest of the break. But when Jason returns on Christmas Eve, the awkward factor leaps to a painful level.
I go with them to church again that night, then we head back to the house for another traditional Korean meal. I eat and talk and laugh along with everyone else, but my mind wanders to my house and my family, who will be eating our annual feast of honey-baked ham with crescent rolls, green beans, squash casserole, corn-bread muffins, and potato salad in about fourteen hours. I wonder if Dad will show up, or if he’ll duck out, saying he needs to work—his typical excuse these days.
My fingers itch to find my phone and call Jane, but I know that if I hear her voice, I’ll regret not going to see her. And I’ll probably cry.
After dinner, Sophie wrangles us all into playing cards on the living room floor beside the Christmas tree we decorated yesterday. We play Spades, and the Bae family teaches me Go-Stop, a Korean gambling game. Jason seems distracted the entire time, forgetting his turn and checking the clock a million times.
As we all make our way to bed, Jason stops me in the hallway. My pulse spikes at being alone with him, but I force my nerves to chill. I need anger, to use it as a shield or whatever people say about protecting themselves. But I can’t muster any. All I feel when I see him is exhaustion and regret.
“I need to talk to you,” he says.
“What about?”
“About our conversation before I left for Busan. And about … the kiss.”
I expect him to wince, but he keeps a straight face. An improvement, at least. Maybe he’s over the embarrassment, though I doubt he’ll ever mention it to anyone else.
He shifts uncomfortably. “You know I’m not good with words, and I feel like I offended you.”
I snort. “That’s awfully discerning of you.”
He continues, either ignoring the gibe or not noticing it. “I need to explain myself. Explain what I meant.”
“There’s no need to explain.”
“Yes, there is.” Determination hardens his eyes. “What I said about being confused is true. There are a lot of things going on in my life, with my family and the band. I don’t need any more distractions.”
“And I’m a distraction?”
“Well … yes.”
Ouch. Maybe I like being an embarrassment better.
“Sometimes, good things can be distractions, but they’re still good,” he says. “When I said I like you, I wasn’t lying.” He hesitates, like he’s not sure if he should go on. “I don’t think I’ve ever liked a girl as much as I like you.”
My stomach somersaults.
Jason stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “But I think we should just be friends.”
“Friends?”
Bewilderment swirls inside my head. When did I ever say that we should be anything more than that?
“Yes,” he says. “I can’t date right now.”
“And you think I would ever date you?”
“I—” His cuts himself off. “What?”
I shrug, hoping for nonchalance when I actually feel like my insides are being squeezed. “Kind of egotistical on your part to think that just because you would want to date me, I’d be fine with it.”
“But I—”
“Don’t worry about the kiss,” I interrupt. “It’s already forgotten. And, you know, I don’t really need any distractions, either. I need to focus on my studies right now. Besides, you’re not really my type.”
I consider throwing in a few other stereotypical rejection lines like, It’s not you, it’s me, but I couldn’t say them in sincerity because it is him. And his gigantic ego.
“Merry Christmas, Jason.”
I leave him standing there, just like girls do in movies. And for the first time, I feel like I could be one of them. My chest may be aching, but I comfort myself with the fact that I’m not letting him get under my skin again.
My feelings for him were nothing more than a silly crush. And now it’s all over.
Chapter Eighteen
“But it’s New Year’s Eve!” Sophie pulls on my arm, trying to force me out of my chair.
I grab on to my desk to keep myself from getting yanked to my feet. “Actually, New Year’s was weeks ago. This is the end of January and, you know, I think I’m still recovering from the travel back to school.”
She rolls her eyes. “We left Seoul almost three weeks ago, and it’s not like we traveled that far. And it’s Seollal, the biggest holiday in Korea, and we were invited to the hottest party in Seoul!”