Wednesday takes the cake.
Because that’s when the magazines came out.
17 “Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”
—Jack’s Mannequin, “Dark Blue”
THE FIRST PICTURE I SAW of myself on Wednesday was scratched into the door of the second stall in the girls’ bathroom. The bathroom that everyone used, of course. It was still early in the morning, not even 9 A.M. yet, and I went into the stall, closed the door, and lo and behold, someone had drawn a girl blowing a guy with the words AUDRY SUX DIK scrawled below it.
Victoria came in while I was washing my hands and she stopped short. “Don’t use the second stall!”
“Too late.” I pumped the soap dispenser extra hard. “You saw it?”
“Heard about it.” Victoria disappeared into the stall so she could inspect it herself. “This doesn’t even look like you!” she called out.
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think they were going for artistic integrity.”
“And they misspelled your name!”
“I know! And for the love of all that is holy, how hard is it to spell ‘dick’?” I shook my hands dry since we were out of paper towels.
“Geniuses, they are not.” Victoria came back out and watched as I sent water flying everywhere; then she pulled some lip gloss out of her purse and started to apply it in the mirror.
“Hey,” I told her. “Do you want more gloss? Some company sent a case of their new Kiss-Off lip gloss to the house yesterday. They’re trying to get me to endorse it. They saw the Simon video, apparently.”
Victoria’s hand froze midway to her mouth. “People are sending you free cosmetics?” she screeched. “Oh my God, you’re living my dream life. Are you gonna do it?”
I shook my head. “Hell no. They all taste gross and they come off in, like, thirty seconds.”
“Who cares?” She was aghast. “If you endorse this, then you’ll get other products, and then maybe you’ll even get your own fragrance! I am totally coming over to get free lip gloss from you! Did they send mascara too?”
“No mascara yet. Maybe at the bottom of the box.”
Victoria just shook her head. “Took you long enough to tell me,” she muttered, trying not to move her mouth as she put on her own gloss. “That’s why we have technology, Audrey, so friends can share exciting details about their lives with other friends. You’re dropping the ball.”
“I’ll do better next time,” I promised. “You’ll be the first to know about the next product launch.”
Victoria held the door open for me as we walked out. “Damn straight, I’m gonna know. I’m going to bribe your mailman to—”
Two girls suddenly walked up to me, holding a magazine and a Sharpie pen. “Um, Audrey, can you sign this?” I vaguely recognized them as freshmen. (Traveling in herds is one of their trademarks.) “Please?” They had the same starry-eyed look that the three girls from Kennedy had had the day before. I was becoming a pro at recognizing it.
Victoria immediately shoved her way in front of me and crossed her arms, ready to go off on them. Then she saw the magazine and her eyes widened. “Oh. My. God.”
“What?” I looked over her shoulder and glanced down at the page.
A picture of me making out with Simon stared back. “Star Muse with Star Musician!” the bubbly pink headline read, and below, in smaller type, “Audrey Works Magic with British Guitarist!”
“Lemme see that,” I said, and grabbed the magazine out of the girls’ hands. There were four pictures at the top of the page, all of them screencaps from that damn video. Simon and I were locked together, one of my legs wrapped around his hip, his hands in my hair. In other words, they weren’t Photoshopped. “Victoria?” I barely recognized my own voice.
“Do you need to sit down?” She was at my side in an instant. “Here, let’s sit down. You’re kind of pale.”
“No, I don’t need to sit down. I need a gun.”
“No, you don’t. You’re very peaceful. You like fluffy animals and rainbows. No guns for you.”
“Then a knife.”
“Nothing with sharp edges. Here.” She began steering me toward a low wall, leaving the freshmen girls behind us.
“Nunchuks, then.”
“Oh, please. You’d knock yourself out cold before you hurt anyone else.”
The magazine was starting to crinkle between my hands, and I smoothed it out so I could read it better. “Do you think that this is everywhere?”
Victoria sat next to me and looked at the pictures like we had done online several days before. “Um, yes. It’s a national magazine.”
I groaned and covered my mouth. “Am I on the cover? If I’m on the cover …” I couldn’t even imagine what I’d do.
Victoria pried the magazine out of my hands and glanced at the cover. “Celebrity Weight Loss Secrets!” she read. “Nope, not you, you’re safe—oh. Wait a minute.”
“What?”
“There’s a small picture of you in the upper corner.”
“With Simon?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I need a gun.”
“We’ve talked about this.”
“Oh my God! My parents are going to see this!” My legs were alternately hot and cold. “They’re going to go the grocery store and buy apples and milk and they’re gonna stand in the slowest checkout lane and look to their left and wham! It’s me! Making out! With a guy!”