I’m sure it’s going to be a total disaster. but i guess the point is that i’m going to do it anyway.
I know i’ve cut it real close, because when gideon and i walk into the auditorium, they’re carrying a swing set onto the stage. and not just any swing set. i recognize that swing set. that exact same swing set. and that’s when the trippiness kicks in, big-time.
gideon: holy shit.
at this point, gideon knows everything that went on. not just with me and tiny, but with me and maura, and me and my mom, and basically me and the whole world. and not once has he told me i was stupid, or mean, or awful, or beyond help. in other words, he hasn’t said any of the things i’ve been saying to myself. instead, in the car ride over, he said
gideon: it all makes sense.
me: it does?
gideon: completely. i would’ve done the same things you did.
me: liar.
gideon: no lie.
then, completely out of nowhere, he held out his pinkie.
gideon: pinkie swear, no lie.
and i hooked my pinkie in his. we drove that way for a little bit, with my little finger curled into his little finger.
me: next thing you know, we’ll be blood brothers.
gideon: and we’ll be having sleepovers.
me: in the backyard.
gideon: we won’t invite the girls.
me: what girls?
gideon: the hypothetical girls that we won’t invite.
me: will there be s’mores?
gideon: what do you think?
I knew there would be s’mores.
gideon: you know you’re insane, right?
me: this is news?
gideon: for doing what you’re about to do.
me: it was your idea.
gideon: but you did it, not me. i mean, you’re doing it.
me: we’ll see.
and it was strange, because as we drove on, it wasn’t gideon or tiny i was thinking about, but maura. as i was in that car with gideon, so completely comfortable with myself, i couldn’t help but think that this was what she wanted from me. this is what she always wanted from me. and it was never going to be like this. but i guess for the first time i saw why she would try so hard for it. and why tiny tried so hard for it.
now gideon and i are standing in the back of the theater. i’m looking around to see who else is here, but i can’t really tell in the darkness.
the swing set stays in the back of the stage as a chorus line of boys dressed as boys and girls dressed as boys lines up in front of it. i can tell this is meant to be a parade of tiny’s ex-boyfriends because as they line up, they are singing,
chorus: we are the parade of ex-boyfriends!
I have no doubt the kid at the end is supposed to be me. (he’s dressed all in black and looks really moody.)
they all start singing their breakup lines:
ex-boyfriend 1: you’re too clingy
ex-boyfriend 2: you’re too singy
ex-boyfriend 3: you’re so massive
ex-boyfriend 4: i’m too passive.
ex-boyfriend 5: i’d rather be friends.
ex-boyfriend 6: i don’t date tight ends.
ex-boyfriend 7: i found another guy.
ex-boyfriend 8: i don’t have to tell you why.
ex-boyfriend 9: i don’t feel the spark.
ex-boyfriend 10: it was only a lark.
ex-boyfriend 11: you mean you won’t put out?
ex-boyfriend 12: i can’t conquer my doubt.
ex-boyfriend 13: i have other things to do.
ex-boyfriend 14: i have other guys to screw.
ex-boyfriend 15: our love has all been in your head.
ex-boyfriend 16: i’m worried that you’ll break my bed.
ex-boyfriend 17: i think I’ll just stay home and read.
ex-boyfriend 18: i think you’re in love with my need.
that’s it - hundreds of texts and conversations, thousands upon thousands of words spoken and sent, all boiled down into a single line. is that what relationships become? a reduced version of the hurt, nothing else let in. it was more than that. i know it was more than that.
and maybe tiny knows, too. because all the other boyfriends leave the stage except for boyfriend #1, and i realize that we’re going to go through them all, and maybe each one will have a new lesson for tiny and the audience.
since it’s going to be a while before we get to ex-boyfriend #18, i figure it’s a good time for me to call the other will grayson. i’m worried he’ll have his phone off, but when i go out to the lobby to call (leaving gideon to save me a seat), he picks up and says he’ll meet me in a minute.
I recognize him right away, even though there’s something different about him, too.
me: hey
o.w.g.: hey
me: one helluva show in there.
o.w.g.: i’ll say. i’m glad you came.
me: me too. because, you see, i had this idea. well, actually, it was my friend’s idea. but here’s what we’re doing. . . .
I explain it to him.
o.w.g.: that’s insane.
me: i know.
o.w.g.: do you think they’re really here?
me: they said they would be. but even if they’re not, at least there’s you and me.
the other will grayson looks terrified.
o.w.g.: you’re going to have to go first. i’ll back you up, but i don’t think i could go first.
me: you have a deal.
o.w.g.: this is totally crazy.
me: but tiny’s worth it.
o.w.g.: yeah, tiny’s worth it.
I know we should go back to the play. but there’s something i want to ask him, now that he’s in front of me.
me: can i ask you something personal, will grayson to will grayson?
o.w.g.: um . . . sure.
me: do you feel things are different? i mean, since the first time we met?
o.w.g. thinks about it for a second, then nods.
o.w.g.: yeah. i guess i’m not the will grayson i used to be.
me: me neither.
I open the door to the auditorium and peek in again. they’re already on ex-boyfriend #5.
o.w.g.: i better return backstage. jane’s going to wonder where i went.
me: jane, eh?
o.w.g.: yeah, jane.
It’s so cute - there are like two hundred different emotions that flash across his face when he says her name - everything from extreme anxiety to utter bliss.
me: well, let’s take our places.
o.w.g.: good luck, will grayson.
me: good luck to us all.
I sneak back in and find gideon, who fills me in on what’s going on.
gideon (whispering): ex-boyfriend six was all about the jockstraps. to the point of fetish, i’d say.