Mom raises a questioning eyebrow, then turns to David. “Kids,” she says, shaking her head. “We’re actually lapsed Unitarians. We don’t use rosary beads.”
David smiles indulgently at her. “I’m sorry to say I’m a bit of an agnostic, myself,” he says. “You’ll never find me setting foot in a church.”
Of course you wouldn’t, Vamp Nerd. You’d probably spontaneously combust from the pure evilness that is in your soul.
“Well, in some respects, I believe religion has been set in place to sedate the unhappy masses so the government can control our lives,” Mom theorizes as she dishes out the tofu steaks and vegan mashed potatoes.
“I completely agree with you,” David says.
Oh, god. Here we go again.
Mom sits and the conversation goes back to the bizarre. For a vampire, David has a lot of out-there political opinions. Either that, or he’s just trying to impress Mom. Which means he’s done his research. Suddenly, this situation becomes a whole lot scarier. I wonder what he knows about me. About Sunny.
I do notice that the guy doesn’t eat much dinner. He mostly pushes the food around on his plate. At first I think this could be another sign of vampirism, ’til I notice Sunny doing the same thing and realize it could just be Mom’s cooking. I’m not too thrilled with it myself. Plus, he does take a confirmed bite or two.
The two grown-ups are so engrossed in their conversation that they don’t notice as Sunny and I slip out of our seats. Mom’s too wrapped up in Mr. Conspiracy Theory. In fact, she’s almost glowing. I haven’t seen her this happy in years. Really blows that I’m going to have to kill the guy.
Oh, well. It’s for the best. But first we have to confirm our suspicions. I need to make sure the guy is one hundred percent evil vamp before I go whip out my stake.
We grab the Super Soakers we’d hid behind the couch. Time for Phase Two.
“Lock and load,” I say, raising my gun.
She grins. “I’m so going to soak you!” she cries in an extra loud voice.
“Not if I soak you first!”
For the record, this was Sunny’s plan. I personally didn’t think anyone would buy that two sixteen-year-old girls would run around the house playing with water guns. Except, I guess, crazy Aunt Edna, who bought them for us. But she also bought us sweater sets in girls’ size 6X, so I’m not sure she’s aware that we’ve graduated from kindergarten yet.
The main floor of our house is all connected, each room leading into the next. So we split up. Sunny goes through the living room and I go through the kitchen, all the while yelling threats back and forth.
“Girls? What are you doing—?”
But suddenly Mom knows exactly what we’re doing, though, of course, not what noble reason we have for doing it. We’re in the dining room, one on each side of Vamp Nerd, spraying each other with water and “inadvertently” spraying him in the process.
He starts screaming like a little girl, putting his hands over his head. Sunny and I stop squirting.
“Argh! I’m soaked!” he cries.
Mom stares at him, then at us. I’ve never seen her look so upset. She looks like she doesn’t know whether to cry or scream. “David! Are you okay?” she asks before turning to us. “Girls! What is going on here?” she demands. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Uh, sorry, Mom. We were just playing around.” ’Cause, um, sixteen-year-old girls always play with water guns at the dinner table. She’s so not going to buy this.
David rises from his seat, shaking the water off. We stare at him, waiting to see what will happen. Will his skin start burning off his body ’cause of the holy water? Will he burst into flames?
I watch as red blotches start appearing on the guy’s neck, spreading upward to his face. I knew it! The water burned him. He really is a vampire. I resist the urge to give Sunny a high five. The two of us rock. Mom is saved. She will so be thanking us later for this.
“Oh, David, I’m so sorry,” Mom says. She grabs a handful of napkins and runs around the table to dab at his soaked clothes. I wonder if it wasn’t overkill. Those Super Soakers really put out a good deal of H2O. “I don’t know what’s gotten into them.” She shoots Sunny and me death glares. “How about an apology, girls?”
“Actually, I’m not feeling very well,” David says to my mom. “I, uh, think I should go.”
“What’s wrong with your face, David?” Sunny demands, not sounding all that apologetic. “Did the water burn?”
David reaches up to touch his face. His eyes widen. “I think I may be breaking out in hives!” he cries.
“Well, holy water can do that,” I say, having no idea if that’s true or not.
He ignores me. “Was there garlic in that tofu?”
Uh-oh.
“No. Definitely not!” Mom says, looking like she’s going to cry. “David, you’re really red. Maybe we should get you to a hospital.”
“I can drive myself,” he says grimly.
“I really don’t—” Mom sighs. She gets the hint. “Okay. If you’re sure . . .”
The speed by which David heads for the door makes it clear that he’s pretty sure. He wants out of here. Not that I blame him. First garlic, then crosses, followed by holy water. He knows the stake can’t be far behind. Adios, vampiro.