I walked down the hall, knocking softly on the door. “Tyler? I just … if I could just get my things…”
He didn’t answer, and I pushed open the door. Tyler was sitting on the floor with his knees up, his back against the foot of his bed.
“Just getting my stuff, and I’ll go.”
“Where are you going to go, Ellie? Just stay.”
“That’s not fair to you.”
He looked up at me with the same tired and ruined eyes I had seen so many times before. “You’re the only woman in the world I know could tell me half-ass that she loves me while breaking my heart.”
“I’m doing you a favor. You just don’t know it yet.”
“Bullshit. Quit fucking running.”
I pointed to the door. “Have you seen your cupboards? Your fridge? Crown, rum, vodka, cheap wine, and beer. I fall asleep wherever I pass out.”
“Not last night,” he said.
“I put Crown in my coffee and take it to work. I’m a drunk, Tyler.”
He shrugged. “So let’s make a call. Get you into a program. Doesn’t mean I can’t love you.”
“We had an agreement.”
He shook his head, looking to the floor. He closed one eye, the entire conversation more hurtful than he anticipated. “What if falling in love doesn’t break your heart, Ellie? We’re happy when we’re not fighting about being happy.”
“That’s not true,” I snapped.
“It damn sure is. Every time you think we’re feeling too much or too happy, you tap the brakes.”
“I’m just trying to stop before we start.”
He crawled to his feet. “Before we start? I just told you I’m in love with you!”
“You don’t know that,” I said, picking up my bag and filling it with the few things I owned.
Tyler walked over and grabbed my wrist. “You know how I know? Only love could hurt like this.”
I twisted away from him, thinking about the little boy in the photograph I’d placed on the mantle. “I was honest with you from the beginning. I told you I couldn’t. You said you were fine with it.”
“Well, now I’m not.” He held out his hands, gesturing to the room. “Why did you do all of this? You made us a home just to leave me alone in it?”
“I wanted to you to remember that I’m not completely awful.”
“Why do you fucking care?” he seethed.
Tears spilled over onto my cheeks. “I don’t deserve anything you have to offer, Tyler. I loved being with you while you let me, but anything past this…”
He laughed once in disbelief. “You don’t think you deserve me. Ellie…” He cupped my shoulders. “I’m a dick. Trust me, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. But I’m trying. I told myself a few weeks ago when I … that I was going to keep trying until I did deserve you.”
I looked up at him, my eyes narrowed. “When you what?”
He clenched his teeth. “It was after you told me we were just fucking and fighting. I went to a local country bar to meet my brother.”
“So?”
“So,” he sighed. “A girl showed up. I didn’t know she knew Taylor.”
“I understand. You don’t have to tell me.”
“I didn’t go home with her or anything; I just kissed her. I intended to, though. She was nice to me. I didn’t have to try so fucking hard just to feel rejected.”
I swallowed, angry at how hurt I felt. “It’s fine. She sounds great.”
“She wasn’t you,” he said.
I wiped my cheek. “I bet she wasn’t fucked up.”
“We’re all a little fucked up. Not all of us use it to push everyone away.”
I lifted my chin. “So you decided you were in love with me after you tried to take someone home. Indicative of our dysfunction, don’t you think?”
“Ellie …”
I closed my eyes. “I never meant for us to get in this deep. I never meant for this to mean anything more. Let me leave. One of us has to.”
He dropped his hands from my shoulders, exhaling like the wind had been knocked out of him. “Where?”
“Jojo’s.”
He nodded toward the door. “Go.”
I bent down to get one last shirt, and then rushed to the laundry room at the end of the hall and grabbed some folded clothes. My backpack was full, so I began filling a small plastic laundry basket.
I reached for the door, but his hand was on mine. I breathed out a cry, knowing if he said one more word, I would stay.
He touched his cheek to mine, then kissed my temple. “Let me drive you.”
I shook my head.
He let go of the knob, waiting for me to look up at him. When I did, his expression crushed me. “You’re still my friend. Let me drive you.”
I nodded, watching him fetch his keys. He led me to his truck, and then I directed him to the magazine. We didn’t speak. Tyler gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white.
When I pointed to the back lot, he frowned. “Why did you tell me to come here, Ellie? Jojo doesn’t live here.”
“There’s an apartment above. I have a key,” I said, pulling Tyler’s off my key ring.
He took it, glowering at the metal in his palm. He closed his eyes. “Ellie, I still want you to come to Illinois with me next month.”