“A month! Why?!”
“I need some time on my own to figure something out.”
“What are you trying to figure out?” he asked, still probably not believing it had nothing to do with the almost-sex. I shook my head and he added, “Oh, come on Jenna! You can’t ask me to let you disappear for a month and not tell me why. Or at least convince me that it’s not really about us.”
“Look, there aren’t too many things going on in my head that are off-limits to you, but this is one of them.”
He vehemently shook his head in annoyance.
“This isn’t about you. I promise, okay? This is all me and I just need some time by myself. Now please. Just take me home.”
He was still irritated, but after a minute he shifted the car into reverse and pulled out of the city park. It was a really, really long drive home. Those twenty miles seemed to stretch on forever, and neither of us even remotely turned our head in the other’s direction.
When he parked the car back at school and killed the engine, he still wouldn’t look at me. I braved a glance and saw that his face no longer held anger, but indifference. Not sure what he was thinking, I still leaned over the console to reach him. He just watched as I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. His lips responded to my touch and welcomed the affection, but the rest of his body remained lifeless. My face pulled back but my hand lingered on his face, gently stroking it as his eyes softly locked onto mine.
“Please believe me when I say you’ve done nothing wrong. And that I’m not leaving you.” I climbed back to my seat, picked my jacket up off the floor and opened the door. “I’ll come find you when I have it all figured out, okay?”
I stepped out into the chilly air and rushed quickly for the common room dorms. I dared a glance back when I made it to the double doors, but he still hadn’t left the car.
I fought the tears as I hurried though the commons and up through the stairs and hall, but once I got through my door, the tears burst through again for the second time that day. I wanted to bury myself under my covers and cry it out all night, but Sophie was there.
I must’ve looked completely dreadful cause she rushed toward me and blurted, “What happened?”
“He doesn’t remember me!” I choked out.
“What? Who?”
“Chance! Or Evan. Chance said he was gonna go back to his body. And then Evan woke up, but he doesn’t remember me!” I practically choked on all the phlegm that lined the membranes of my throat and chest now.
I don’t know if Sophie believed me. Probably not. Why would any sane person believe the mumbo jumbo that’s gone on in my head the past five months? But I never saw her reaction cause I collapsed to the floor and scrunched myself into a rocking ball, bawling my eyes out, not even caring if our neighbors heard me through the walls. She kneeled beside me and gently stroked my back. Between heaving breaths, I spat, “Then Robert showed up at the hospital and I told him I wanted a break.”
“What? Jenna! No you don’t!”
“I don’t know what I want any more.”
“Bullshit! You adored Robert for a year before you actually started dating him. Don’t start doubting those feelings now just cause some guy’s literally been screwing with you in your head.”
She left to grab the box of tissues in the bathroom. I blew my nose and calmed my heaves, but my eyes didn’t give out until the tears ran dry.
My pathetic ass slept away the weekend. For the first time since my accident, I had a dream that didn’t involve Chance. Even the nights he never came to me, I remember the nights passing dreamless. Not anymore. Night after night, I had the kind of dream I used to have before my accident…before I died, before I think my dreams were hijacked.
Yeah, part of me missed Chance, but I grew stronger as the days passed. I didn’t go back to the hospital though. The pain of losing him was incredibly real for me. I called Margaret and told her my course load had gotten too heavy now that I was nearing the end of senior year to keep up my volunteer hours. I asked how Evan was doing and she said really well. I asked her to relay my get well wishes After all, I had told him I wouldn’t abandon him, but it seemed I had anyway, and I wanted him to know this random girl at least cared enough about how he was doing.
So a week went by and I hadn’t seen Robert either. It made it easier that we didn’t see each other between classes. It sucked when we were dating, and it still sucked a little now. I missed Robert, and part of me wanted to take an alternate route just to get a glimpse of him. But if he caught me doing that, he’d think I was coming back. And I wasn’t…at least not yet.
I had finally admitted to myself how much I really did care for Chance and that losing him this way scarred me emotionally. But that relationship was over. And a lot of guilt still lingered when I thought of Robert, and I knew seeing him right now would be just as painful as losing Chance.
Luckily, it was time for spring break and I was going to Sophie’s again. Normally I stayed at the academy for spring break, but Sophie wasn’t about to allow my depressed ass to stay there by myself and wallow the days away obsessing over every little detail that happened in the past few weeks.
I ain’t gonna lie. Sophie was a great distraction, and getting off the grounds where all my memories of Robert and Chance were, really helped push them further back in my mind. I can’t say I was the most pleasant of guests, since my overall demeanor was pure misery, but she managed to get a few smiles out of me.
That was until…Sophie bounced up and down all giddy-like, snapping the paper she held out between her hands. I couldn’t read it cause she held it backwards. “Okay,” she said jubilantly, “so I haven’t mentioned this to you yet cause you’ve had a really hard couple of weeks, but…”
She flipped the flyer around and I groaned when I made out the word PROM. She pointed her finger at me and said, “No. Don’t even go there, Jenna Baker. My best friend is not gonna bail on me on prom night. You’ve been my honey through all four years. You. Are. Going!”
“Soph, I don’t wanna go to prom. Robert will–”
“Not be there,” she interrupted. “Jhett already told me he’s avoiding everything prom-related and going home for the weekend.” With an air of haughtiness, she added, “So you have no excuse not to go.”
“I’ll just be a third wheel.”
“Nope. You and me are gonna hit the party early and Jhett’s gonna come later. If you don’t wanna stay when he gets there, I’ll let you leave.”
Man she’s good.
“You know I don’t have anything to wear to this.”
“And you know I’ve already got that worked out. My parents gave me a ridiculous amount of money for prom. So instead of buying some fabulous designer gown, you and I are gonna go shopping and buy two uber-fabulous non-designer gowns that will rock the house.”
“You really gonna be happy with a simple dress?”
“Jenna, please.” She almost whacked me when she flung her hand to emphasize the please. “You know it’s all about the accessories. And I’ve got an entire cabinet full. And I have Jhett, who let’s be honest, is far more interested in what’s going on beneath the gown. I’ll probably spend more money on the lingerie than the dress.”
“I feel bad about letting you buy me a dress. I’m only gonna let you buy it if you take it off my hands afterwards and add it to your closet.”
She eyed me carefully. It actually sorta scared me that she was calculating something in her head like that. “I’ll keep the dress, but only if you let me buy you lingerie for your birthday.”
My throat vibrated and emitted a grumble. “Can’t be designer.”
Her eyes narrowed and she retaliated with, “Fine, but I have to approve of what you choose.”
“It can’t be French.”
“Okay, now you’re just being silly! Boys like those.” She threw me an over-the-top innocent smile and sang, “Trust me.”
21
Sophie and I returned to school Sunday night. We both wanted to push our freedom to the last possible moment. She quickly hurried off to meet Jhett and I soon made my way down to the cafeteria for a late dinner.
The good news was that my appetite began to come back during spring break. Sophie was so good at keeping me distracted from the guilt hammering away in my head, that I actually went long periods of time without thinking about Chance and Robert (obviously not while she forced me to try on an entire store’s worth of lingerie though).
I wasn’t so much hungry now, but I didn’t have a lot of snacks left in the room to nibble on. Being this late at night, I didn’t dare take what was left on the warm buffet, so I headed straight for the salad bar and filled up a to-go box.
It was when I turned to leave that I saw him. Those smooth chocolaty eyes had probably been watching me since I walked through the double glass doors. I was actually a little surprised to see him sitting there all alone.
Guess I knew what Sophie and Jhett were doing.
His eyes were locked on hard and his face lacked all emotion, so I couldn’t decipher what he was thinking. Part of me really wanted to sit down and talk, but the moment I thought how wonderful it would be to end the break and wrap myself within his arms, the inner twisting and nausea began to build all over again.
Why did it keep doing that?!
I gave him a weak smile and a semi-wave and continued on to the door. I wouldn’t let myself look back this time. I already knew he’d still be watching.
The next two weeks passed by in a blur. I got most of my school work done during study hall and I had found every scholarship I could and applied for them. So that basically left my evenings free to obsess over my guilt – neverending guilt over what a crappy person I was.
Normal dreams filled my nights, so I knew my nights with Chance were over forever. I tried not to focus on whether or not I imagined our relationship, or whether or not I had perfect timing when it came to ending it just as Evan woke up. It didn’t matter. Somewhere during the past few weeks I had confirmed that it really was Robert that I wanted. I just needed this guilty feeling to go away and to make myself believe that I technically didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not like I cheated on him in the real world, it’s just that what happened in the dream world felt so real to me now, which did make me feel like a cheater. And I was having a hard time convincing myself I deserved someone like Robert.
Prom day was the first Saturday Sophie had ever gotten up early for. She had an appointment at two to get her hair, nails and makeup done. Though she bugged and begged me for a solid week, I still refused to go with her.
The weather was mild and so refreshing that I found myself returning to a familiar destination. I realized right away that the sight of water didn’t scare me anymore. The night I drowned was so long ago, and it seemed sorta like a dream at this point. Worth being scared over, but not fussing over. I felt zero fear as I dipped my legs into the warm water of the pond and leaned back, watching the water’s surface glitter as the sun’s rays squeezed through the tree leaves blowing in the wind.
I’d say I had a good twenty minutes alone before I heard twigs and debris crunching in the nearby trees. I was as still as a lioness in the brush, but the feet were closing in as if they could sense me nonetheless.
The steps were too heavy to be Sophie’s, who was at her appointment anyway, and Robert was supposed to be out of town. So, it shouldn’t have surprised me when Jhett emerged from the trees. He froze when he realized I was there. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
He stood there uncomfortable for a moment, swaying back and forth with his hand perched on the tree, not sure whether he should come or go. “Can I join you?”
I shrugged. “You came all the way out here.”
He flicked his shoes and socks off and dipped his legs in next to mine. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for prom like all the other girls?”
“Shouldn’t you be?” I asked. “You’re the one with a date to this thing.”
“All us guys have to do is dress ourselves, make sure the transportation is figured out and show up with a corsage.”
“Yeah, well, all I have to do tonight is dress and show up. I promised Sophie I would go but I’m not gonna do the fancy hair and special makeup thing. Between you and me, you’re welcome to show up early. I have no real desire to be there. Especially dateless.”
“Noted.” He began kicking his legs under the water, causing ripples to wave out over my legs. “So any word on the scholarships yet?”
“Uh, no. They don’t usually tell you until the end of May or June. Hopefully I’ll get something. The less I have to work during college, the more time I’ll have to study, so every penny counts.”
“Do you know what you want to study?”
“I’m thinking I’ll start with biological sciences. That degree forces you to take all areas of science, so eventually I’ll figure out what I really wanna study. You?”
“Journalism.” My face puckered in shock. Chuckling, he asked, “What?”
“Journalism? Really? I remember Robert saying that you were completely dazed out in English Lit. Guess I just didn’t see that as an interest for you.”
“Well, Lit does bore me. It’s the writing part of English that I like, not the reading of classic novels and poems no one but a scholar can figure out. And Robert’s right, I did spend half that class in a daze.” A huge smiled formed on his face when he added, “The other half I spent getting a kick out of watching you watch Robert.”