I was so tired and numb that I didn’t argue. Or really seem to care for that matter.
“Now we both know I don’t completely believe in this dream invader crap, but I’m gonna sweep that under the rug for the moment. You put your heart out there for a guy and you got burned. Granted, it’s not the typical way to lose a guy, but you obviously loved him or it wouldn’t be hurting you this much. But in case you’ve forgotten, you’ve got a great guy over in the next building that you haven’t lost…yet.”
“He did say he loves me,” I mumbled.
“Of course he loves you! Even a blind idiot could see that! So stop screwing with him, Jenna! You’re seriously pissing me off right now! You’re so absorbed in your misery over losing Chance that you don’t even see how miserable you’re making Robert! The poor guy is stuck in some kind of gut-wrenching limbo with you. And he doesn’t know whether to keep loving you or just let you go. Don’t keep dragging him along if you can’t deal. He’s done nothing to deserve this shit.”
She released a deep breath of pent up anger, then gently tucked some of my stray hairs behind my ear. “I know you miss him. And I know it hurts. But Chance is gone. There’s no shame in grieving that loss, Jenna. Just don’t let it consume your life with guilt anymore. “And for the love of God, eat something!” She reached into my cubby, grabbed a pop-tart and threw it at me. “If you get any skinnier you won’t fit into my clothes anymore.”
I smiled and nibbled on the pastry treat just for her benefit, cause I really wasn’t hungry. “Why the hell couldn’t you say that to me a month ago? It made way more sense than what’s been going on in my head all this time.”
“Yeah, well. Everyone’s entitled to some alone time every once and awhile. Besides, you probably wouldn’t have listened to me a month ago anyway.”
I finished my snack and apparently fell asleep again, cause when I woke up it was one in the morning. I hadn’t meant to sleep that long. I had wanted to go talk to Robert and lay what I thought was my new problem out on the table for him.
Truth was, I was afraid to love him.
Besides a relationship that was basically made up in my dreams, the only person who’d ever made the effort to love me was Sophie. And that was more a sisterly love, and still a little new to me. The kind of love Robert was expecting was romantic, and allowing myself to become vulnerable in that way terrified me.
Why, you ask? Because if a loss in my dream world could be so devastating, I panicked over what a loss out here would feel like. And I didn’t wanna ever feel that way again.
Throwing myself out of bed, I decided a long, hot shower was overdue, but it gave me even more time to worry about talking to Robert. And since it was early Monday morning, I wouldn’t be able to see him until at least after school. No way did I wanna endure another day with this mixture of heavy feelings weighing me down.
I dug out some fresh clothes to sleep in and tried to make myself look passable for a living teenage girl, then I braved the walk to his room.
I softly knocked on the door, hoping one of them would still be awake to hear it. When no one came, I leaned my ear against the door but heard nothing. Slowly and quietly, I turned the knob and discovered it was unlocked. I pushed it open and stepped inside the dark room.
My eyes were slowly adapting to the lack of light, so I could just make out the outline of Robert’s bed. I edged my way forward, shuffling my feet along the way, remembering that their room usually had random things laying about. His features became more defined as I knelt down to caress his face – he was relaxed and expressionless. I kinda liked seeing him this way. At least I wasn’t stressing him out when he slept.
“Robert?” I whispered, and gently massaged my fingertips through his hair. He inhaled a deep breath and rolled his head back and forth before opening his eyes.
Startled, he whispered harshly, “Jenna?”
“Yeah. I need to talk to you.”
He rubbed the back of his head and groaned weakly, but leaned past me to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. Still kneeling, the light shone directly in my eyes and blinded me. I stood and leaned my backside against the table to block it from view. I couldn’t see how Robert was reacting, but I heard his feet swing out of bed and thump on the floor.
“Jhett, get out.” It didn’t seem like he was awake cause he certainly didn’t react to Robert’s command. “Come on man, I know you’re awake. Go sneak down to Sophie. You don’t really want to be here to hear this, do you?”
A sleepy groan came from Jhett’s side of the room and a second later his sheets were whipped off the bed. He stumbled groggily across the room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“If you two make up, stay the hell out of my bed.” He shut the door quietly behind him.
Robert let out a huge sigh as he crossed the room, sat in his desk chair and spun to face me, giving me this ‘have at it’ look.
I sighed heavily myself and stretched my neck backwards for a second, trying to release some of the stress and tension the shower didn’t dissolve. “I don’t have a problem with what you said. My problem is saying it back.”
“That you love me?”
I nodded my head. The air stung my eyes as tears accumulated behind them. I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry.
“What you don’t understand, is that for my entire life, I’ve never had anyone. No mother, no brother, no aunt. I don’t even remember the people that actually adopted me the first few years. All I remember was being shuffled around from foster home to group home. I was never close to anyone and I completely withdrew. Sophie was the first person I ever let in. So when you tell me you love me,” I paused to fight hard against the tears determined to burst through, and I willed my voice not to crack, “I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve never had anyone to love before. And no one’s ever loved me.” I couldn’t stop the tears now. I practically choked on them getting out that last sentence. They rushed down my cheeks in a steady stream.
Robert was suddenly before me, squeezing my face between his hands and pressing his lips hard against mine. His kiss was so passionate it took my breath away. The tension in my muscles began to fade and my body relaxed and molded into his.
When he finally did pull away, his eyes captivated me even through blurry tears. They reminded me of melted milk chocolate, and the color almost seemed to swirl around his black pupils.
“Well I love you. And I’m not going to leave you like everyone else did.” With a smile, he added, “So stop fighting me already.”
My laugh came out as one big puff of air and I wiped my tears away. “I do love you, you know?”
“Yeah, I know,” he answered, sweeping wisps of hair off my face, “but it’s nice to hear you say it out loud.”
I’m sure I looked all gooey or melted or something but I didn’t care, and he didn’t seem to either when he held my lips captive once more. His arms wrapped around my back and neck and mine did the same to him. That little fire began to heat up inside me and uncontrollable shivers shot down my spine that made my back keep arching. I hadn’t realize how out of breath we both were until we pulled away, gasping to fill our lungs again.
Something ignited within and I tugged on his shirt absentmindedly, then lifted it over his abs. He caught my drift and pulled it off the rest of the way. His eyes softly gazed into mine as he gingerly fingered the bottom of my shirt. I lifted my arms above my head and he slowly pulled it off. He traced my body with his eyes before he pressed his abdomen flush against mine, and the warmth of his skin made my body melt even more. He began massaging my neck with deep kisses and I found my hands on his shoulders, traveling down the length of his back.
He lifted me up and lay me down on the bed, and his body hovered above mine, slowly taking in the moment. Then he kissed my lips, my neck and slowly made his way down my body. Blissful spasms rolled down my spine and made my body sway with them. He already had me moaning, but as we progressed through the night they were so loud I had to clench my jaw and muffle them by stuffing his pillow over my mouth.
Bleh-heh-heh.
God, I hope his neighbors didn’t hear. And Robert wasn’t any better at being quiet. He seemed to fit me perfectly, and the internal feelings I got from him that night were so much more amazing than the ones I dreamt of all those months. But it wasn’t all sunshine and daisies; there were plenty of moments filled with pain and discomfort. And he thought the red spots on the sheets upset me, but truthfully, I cried cause it reaffirmed that I had saved myself for him all those months, and that the dreams were just that – dreams.
23
A (very satisfying) month later, we were graduating. Turns out I did snag a few scholarships for college – at least enough to cover my expenses at a junior college. So when Robert decided on Yale, he asked me to come with him. What’s one junior college versus another, right? I still had two years to figure out which major university to finish my degree at. And by then, who knows where we’d be as a couple, though I hoped still together.
I spent the week after graduation with Robert’s family in Connecticut. His mom was friendly enough and she did seem to like me, but I got the distinct feeling I wasn’t what she had in mind for her son. Nor did I believe she ever thought our relationship would extend beyond our academy days.
When I called him on it, Robert admitted something he had kept to himself since we began dating. His mother wanted him to date the daughter of a family they were close to. And his mother was frustrated cause the daughter had openly admitted she had an interest in dating Robert. And when he told me her name and that she went to Pennington with us, I just about died.
“Anne Bridgeway?!” I cried.
I had always thought that the startled look she gave me that night in the boy’s hall was cause she got caught by a fellow classmate. Now I knew it was cause she not only knew I was dating the guy she wanted, but we were familiar enough to be sneaking into each other’s room at night. And then I remembered how happy and friendly she was to me at prom. Man, I bet it really ticked her off when he showed up in a tux matching my dress. And I was willing to bet she was one of the girl’s Jhett mentioned, who made their interest known, but who Robert blew off.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her before?”
“Who cares about Anne? I can’t stand girls that play stupid games.”
“What games?”
“You remember seeing her in the hall that night? Did you notice how the teachers did a random sweep of the rooms half an hour later?”
“You think she tipped off the teachers?” I asked, still doubtful any student would do that.
“I called her on it. She didn’t admit to it, but sending them an anonymous tip about a girl going into a boy’s room sounds exactly like something she’d do. Why do you think she dated the guy across the hall?”
I shrugged. I didn’t even know who lived in that room or which guy Anne had been dating that whole time.
“Do you have any idea the number of times she just happened to leave that room at five thirty in the morning? Just when Jhett and I were leaving for practice? And right after you asked for a break and we spent a few days apart, suddenly she felt her relationship wasn’t right and dumped the guy.”
“She seriously slept with him just to bump into you every morning?”
“I don’t care what she was or wasn’t doing in that room. I can’t begin to tell you how much I don’t care. She even tried to get me to go to prom with her as friends, since we both happened to be single at the time.”
I crossed my arms playfully. “You told her you were single?”
“I didn’t tell her anything period. I said no and left it at that.”
“Jeesh, Robert. Am I gonna be able to leave you alone for the summer?”
He chuckled and slowly began pushing me back towards the wall. “That’s right. Dating me is going to take a little effort on your part.”
“Oh, I can’t believe you just threw those words back at me.”
He cocked his eyebrows as his body firmly pressed up against mine. “You re-thinking that whole cell phone plan now? Cause if you’re asking if Anne will be stopping by with her family this summer, I guarantee it. Every weekend. I hear she’s even considering Yale.”
I gripped the top of his shoulders and said, “Now you’re just being mean.”
“You can still stay here with me for the summer. Plenty of room.”
“No. I want this. I need this. Besides, if I can’t trust you to deal with Anne on your own, then there’s not a whole lot of point moving forward in our relationship.”
His lips reached out for mine and my hands gripped the back of his head as his hands slipped in tight behind my back. We were still in that position when his mother opened the door to the media room. Our bodies pushed away automatically. I wasn’t sure who was more embarrassed, me or her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, clearly a little uncomfortable. “Dinner’s almost ready.” She actually said those last two words a little slower than expected. For some reason, the necklace around my neck really drew her in, and when her eyes were done analyzing that, they honed in on me.
“We’ll be down in a minute, Mom,” Robert replied softly.
Her gaze shifted to him and she seemed almost dumbfounded. And she was incredibly slow to leave.
“Robert,” I said slowly, focusing tight on his eyes, “please tell me this is costume jewelry around my neck and not some family heirloom.”