"So what do you want, Amy? You want to be enemies? Friends?"
"Friends sounds good. You know, what we are without the dating part. That way, I have no expectations." Maybe Noah has it right... no expectations means you don't get hurt.
Avi takes a deep breath. "If just being friends is what you want, I'll give you that. But when you're ready to fight for more, let me know. Because nothing is as intense as when we're together. Admit it."
"I admit it. But who says intense is best?"
"Me. And you, if you'd just open your eyes long enough to realize we might not be the most perfect couple, but were better together than apart. Truth is, I'm afraid of losing you," he blurts out. "I know this probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but we don't have many chances to be alone. Nathan isn't the one--you know that. Sure, he talks a lot. Each word out of me is a struggle sometimes. But you and I... Amy..." He hesitates, and I can just feel him trying to get the right words out to express his feelings. For a guy who hardly ever talks in public, expressing emotion out loud is harder than shooting a flea a hundred meters away. "We're just right."
The problem is, I don't think my heart can handle another Avi breakup. I'm programmed to be emotional; I can't help it. For better or worse, my attitude and "drama queen-ness" defines who I am. Avi, on the other hand, is emotionally and drama-challenged. And although I came on this boot camp program in order to see him, maybe it was God's way of hinting that we're just too different.
"I'm always going to be afraid a smarter girl or a prettier girl is going to lure you away from me. Listen, I don't blame you for being attracted to Liron. She's beautiful, she can scale walls, climb ropes, and she carries a rifle. If I liked girls, I'd go for her too."
"Just hear me out, okay?"
My resolve is weakening fast. I have the childish urge to cover my ears with my palms and sing la, la, la, la, la, la so I don't hear what happened between Avi and Liron. But I guess I can't hide from the truth forever.
"Okay, Avi. Tell me why you kissed Liron."
Chapter 21
Sometimes the truth hurts... but you can't let it consume your life.
Everyone can take lessons in life from the Israelis.
We're driving north toward Tiberias. Every time I look out the window, I see Israelis doing the same things we do back home. I see kids playing on playgrounds, teens playing soccer, and people eating at restaurants. I wonder why Israelis don't act like they're living in a war zone. How can they be so strong-willed? How can they know the truth --that some of the countries surrounding them would like nothing better than to destroy their country--and still live carefree lives?
I brace myself for the truth of what happened between Avi and Liron. Listen, I'm half Israeli myself. I can act like an Israeli and tackle any obstacle that comes my way. At least I think I can.
"Now probably isn't the best time to talk about it, with your safia in the hospital, but we might not get another chance."
"At least it'll get my mind off of wondering what's wrong with her. Go ahead, Avi. I need to know."
"Survival training was a total mind game," he tells me. "Lack of sleep, being blindfolded and finding out what it was like to be captured by terrorists, watching actual footage of Jews being brutally murdered just because they were Jewish or Israeli. Some of the bodies were so mutilated you wondered if they were killed by humans or beasts. You question your faith in God, because why would He let those things happen? You end up puking your guts out. You get so sad that every guy, no matter how tough, breaks down and cries like a baby. Then anger and a craving for revenge replaces the sorrow. Fury seeps from every pore of your body. I was so exhausted there were times I had no clue if my thoughts were my own, and at times I was so enraged I wanted to rush out and kill every terrorist single-handedly."
I watch as he shakes his head and lets out a slow breath. I'm not sure if it's because it hurts to recall that week of training or if it's because he desperately wants his country to live in peace but doesn't see how that's possible. Either way, I'm stunned by the rush of words and emotion.
"Afterward, I needed you, Amy," he continues. "I needed you so damn bad. I wanted to hold you in my arms again, feel your warm sweet body against mine to remind me that there's something good out there, that this world isn't only full of hatred and evil. Liron felt the same way. Her boyfriend was stationed on another base and you were in the States. I remember what you said about it being okay if we saw other people. Being with Liron until I started feeling human again seemed like a great solution at the time." He gives a short, cynical laugh. "But it sucked, because she wasn't you." His swipes his eyes with the back of his hand, getting emotional. "She wasn't you," he chokes out.
I'm starting to cry now too. "It's not fair, Avi. We found each other but live in two different countries. Just when I feel the closest to you, we're ripped apart. It's not fair."
"Amy, tell me anyone else can make your heart pound like it does when you're with me," he says. "Tell me you think anything or anyone can compare with it, and I'll give up on us."
Oh, God. I want us to get back together, because nobody can make me feel like he does. I want him so bad. I can't deny it any longer, to myself or him.
"No, Avi. Don't give up on us." The Israeli side of me bursts forward with a vengeance, and I think my fighting spirit has finally come out. Boot camp has changed me. I put my hand over his. "I forgive you. I can't forget what you did with Liron just as much as you probably can't forget I kissed Nathan. But I can definitely forgive."