It was possible, of course, that they had been stupid and savage and that they didn’t realize harming the mother could damage unborn offspring. Just because my people understood something, it didn’t mean the gangs knew it as well.
Her breath caught; and her face dimmed with remembered pain. “The girls who were born into the Wolves didn’t question their roles. They didn’t try to run. So they weren’t punished.”
I nodded. “It wouldn’t occur to a female Breeder in the enclave to protest her situation, either.”
“They haunt me,” she said softly. “The two cubs I lost. I was only thinking about getting away so I could protect my little one like my mom did me. But instead, they beat me until—” Her voice broke and she curled her hands into fists. “I know why they did it—to break me so I wouldn’t fight them anymore.”
“They shouldn’t have hurt you,” I told her. “There were ways to hold you that wouldn’t harm the unborn brats.”
Tegan swiped away a tear. “So your people wouldn’t have beaten me for trying to escape?”
She wanted reassurance that I came from better folk than Stalker. When I first met her, I’d thought that the enclave would punish anyone who treated a girl that way. But that was reflex, wanting to think the best of them. With the benefit of time and distance, I realized something; safety only applied to those who were born among us and who followed the rules blindly. Just witness how they treated Fade and a Builder named Banner. At first, I’d envied her apparent closeness with Fade, but then the elders killed the girl over her quiet discontent with their leadership; they made an example of her and framed it as a suicide.
Terrible things happened down below too.
So I couldn’t lie to her. “If we found a female in the tunnels who was good only for breeding … if she fought that role, the Hunters would’ve cut her throat and left her for the Freaks. The enclave wouldn’t have wasted resources training her. So, no, we wouldn’t have beaten you, Tegan. My people would’ve killed you.”
Her breath caught. “Then it’s a good thing I didn’t end up down below.”
“It is, actually.” Because it was unlikely she’d have survived the tunnels long enough to run into one of our patrols. It still amazed me that Fade had done so.
I could see her struggling with the revelation, hands clenched on the edge of the counter where we’d stacked the doctor’s clean implements. “But … you’re not like the rest of the Hunters, then. You protected me.”
“That was after I left the enclave.”
“So you’re saying you’d have killed me. You, Deuce.” Tegan met my gaze, her brown eyes begging for a denial.
I was about to destroy all her illusions. “If Silk ordered me to. I’d have felt bad about it, but I would have obeyed. Back then, I thought they knew more than me. Until a certain point, you know only what you’re taught.”
With a pained wrench, I remembered the blind brat who had come from Nassau begging for help. Fade and I carried him back with us to College, but once the elders heard his message, they had no further use for him. I hadn’t wielded the blade that slit his throat, but I gave the boy to the Hunter who did. His death could be attributed to my silence—and so I couldn’t let her idealize me. Though I’d learned better since I came Topside, it didn’t mean I was a good person or instinctively kind. In fact, I had spent years battling the idea that I was too soft to make it as a Huntress. In many cases, I saw compassion as weakness.
“Is that why you like Stalker?” Her expression twisted as though the words left a sour taste in her mouth.
I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. “I understand him. We share common goals.”
“He’s like you,” she said then.
“More than you are,” I admitted. “Stalker and I came up with other ideas of right and wrong, different from what I see in Salvation. And, yes, the enclave did a lot of things that I’d fix if I could. At the time, I didn’t know any better … but I’m teachable. I think Stalker is too.”
“You’ll forgive me if I’m not in a hurry to befriend him,” she muttered.
“I don’t expect you to. You two have history … bad history. He reminds you of the worst time in your life.”
“So do you,” she said softly.
Oh. That hurt, more because it was an unexpected blow. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Is that why—”
“It’s easier to be around the other girls. They didn’t see me at my weakest. They don’t know everything that’s happened to me, and I’d like to keep it that way. I hope you won’t tell them either.”
“Of course I won’t. And I won’t visit again, if it bothers you.” I kept my face still and calm, my Huntress expression, and it didn’t reveal any of my pain.
In Salvation, it seemed like I had nobody but Stalker and Longshot. Fade didn’t talk to me unless I needed saving. The brats at school thought I was crazy and they treated me accordingly … and now this from Tegan. At least you’re safe, I thought. At least you have enough to eat.
“I need some time. I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I just—”
“Want to settle in?” I suggested, not showing how I felt. “Make new friends?”
She nodded, visibly relieved. “I’m glad you understand.”
“I do. I’ll be going, then.” And I wouldn’t come back until she came looking for me. Not out of injured pride, either. A true friend would rank Tegan’s welfare above her own loneliness.
She didn’t stop me from leaving. Outside the Tuttle place, the weather had turned as the sun fell toward the horizon. Light streaked the sky in colors whose names I’d only recently learned. Today it glowed gold and orange with slivers of pink, like a speckled autumn apple. As we’d traveled, we had found a few growing wild, a bit withered, but still edible. A cool wind blew over me, lifting tendrils of my hair from the braids. It would be suppertime soon, and I hadn’t started my schoolwork for the next day.
I ran through town, ignoring the whispers. A few women pointed at how I lifted my skirts. “Does that girl ever walk like a normal person? I can’t imagine what they were thinking when they took her in.”