“If I’m already on my death bed you can’t very well threaten me with death, can you? What would be my motivation to keep quiet?”
“Gray.”
“Okay, scouts honor. You can’t see it but I’m crossing my heart and hoping to die.”
“Good.”
I waited.
“No, baby. You’ve got to go first!” She said laughing.
“Alright, alright, alright.” I sighed loudly, trying to think.
“Okay. Well, if I had my druthers I’d rather stay home on Friday nights and watch seventies era BBC comedies.”
Complete silence.
“Are you kidding me? That’s your big secret? My God Elliott! That’s almost boasting. There’s no way I’m gonna’ tell mine now! Especially since you used a word like ‘druthers’.”
“Oh come on Jules! I just can’t think of anything juicy right now. Please Jules!”
“No sir. No way. Not after a revealing bit of information like that. How could I possibly follow the scandal that is nineteen seventies era British television? Gimme’ a break!” She laughed. “I mean, if you had said something like, ‘On Friday nights I’d rather lounge around and watch old BBC reruns on PBS while I switch the heads on my sister’s Barbie dolls. Now, that would have been something. I could have worked with that but no, I would just humiliate myself now.”
“Switch the heads on my sister’s Barbie dolls?”
She laughed.
“What is wrong with you?” I asked. “Alright, hold on. Let me think........Okay. Okay, I think I’ve got one. Okay, don’t tell anyone but once a month, I volunteer at Shady Pine’s retirement community and play cards and games with the older residents who don’t have much family.”
I think I heard a pin drop.
“Anyway,” I continued, “I have to admit it’s one of my favorite things to do.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
“Seriously Gray? Seriously! ‘Don’t tell anyone’,” she mocked, “‘but I’m a super nice person who likes to spend time with old people....Tee hee!’ My God Gray! Just sit tight. Whew! I’ve got to tell you my secret just to explain to you what a secret truly is.”
I laughed.
“Alright,” she sighed, “over the summer I drove Carmen down to....”
“Who’s Carmen?” I interrupted.
“Oh, right. Carmen is my Karmann Ghia.”
“Oh,” I chuckled.
“Anyway, over the summer I drove Carmen to the creek, near the rock bridge, that we used to fish for tadpoles in. Remember it?”
“Yeah, I remember. The shallow pool?”
“Yeah. So, I got out and trekked the little quarter mile to the creek and enjoyed the beautiful nature of it all. Well, it was July and it was getting kind of hot and I was dying to jump in but didn’t want to get my clothes wet.” I shifted uncomfortably in my computer chair. “So, I looked around to ensure that no one was there. I mean, it is in the middle of nowhere and you and I are the only two people in the world that I knew of who had any idea where it was so I took off my cut-off’s and my tank top and left them with my flip flops on that tree stump that got hit by lightning when we were kids at the edge of the creek. Anyway, so I dove in. I was having a marvelous time just swimming and enjoying the cool water but when I got out and started for the stump where my clothes were, they weren’t there. I started to worry that someone had seen me and I kind of began to panic until I remembered that I had left half a candy bar in my shorts’ pocket. That’s when I noticed the raccoon tracks trailing away from the scene of its crime.”
“What’d you do?” I said, swallowing hard.
“The only thing I could do. I put on my flip flops and walked back to Carmen in my underwear.”
I laughed so hard.
“How did you drive through town without people noticing?”
“Well, when I got back to the car I remembered I had an old hand towel from my Tribal dance class in the back so I draped it over my chest and practically sped through town. I say, practically sped because I didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself or your Uncle Danny.”
My Uncle Danny was the town’s sheriff.
“Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious.”
“Well then came the hard part.”
“The hard part?”
“Yeah, so I made it home right? My parents weren’t there and I had no way of calling for help. Plus, go figure, I only had one key and it was for the front door, meaning the back wasn’t an option. I parked the car as close to the house as possible to avoid exposure and studied the neighborhood for a second. I didn’t notice anyone or anything so I rushed out and bolted up my porch to the front door. Just then, my neighbor, Sawyer Tuttle,” She paused.”Do you know him? He’s in our Chemistry class.”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “I know him. I sit next to him in class.”
“Oh, anyway, Sawyer comes sauntering around to the front of his house from the side and catches me in all of my underwear glory. Well, there was no sense in hiding because he’d already seen everything. Plus, like a deer in headlights, the kid just stared with his mouth open. He didn’t even bother turning around. So, I winked at him and finally opened the door.” She took a deep breath. “And that’s my secret. Well, mine and Sawyer’s secret. Well, mine, Sawyer’s and that naughty raccoon’s secret.”