I swallow, hard. It's not easy for me to say the next words coming from my mouth, but I can't hold it in any longer. My family is screwed up, each and every one of us. They want to stay ignorant, to forget reality and live in a made-up world they've created. It's fake, it's sick ... and I can't do it. I think the only way they'll heal is if I'm not here. I'm the root of their problems. If I take the root away, I'll remove the problem. "I'm leaving," I say.
My thoughts turn to Maggie, the one girl who I used to think wasn't worth a second glance. But when it comes right down to it, she's the strongest girl I know. She confronted me about Kendra before the accident, she goes to school even though people laugh at the way she moves, and she worked her ass off for Mrs. Reynolds in order to achieve her dream of going to Spain. The accident made her a stronger person. Hell, she made me a stronger person.
"Where do you think you're going?" Dad demands.
"Inside to pack, then I'm out of here. I can't live with shame and denial around me. And you shouldn't, either."
"This is who we are now, son. The accident changed us ... all of us. We were fine until you messed it all up."
I shake my head. "Don't you want to go back to the way it was before? I would do anything to make this family normal again."
"Shouldn't you have thought of that before you hit Maggie? I would have never thought I'd say this to my own son, but you ... Caleb Becker ... are a selfish bastard."
I walk past my parents and Leah, heading to my room. Pulling a duffle bag out of my closet, I stuff it without really thinking. I'm ready in five minutes, then look back at my room one last time.
My lightsaber is still on my shelf, waiting for me until I return. But I'm not coming back. Hopefully, after I leave, my mom won't have to drug her life to make it bearable and Leah can live her life the way she wants--with or without the truth. And Dad ... well, one day he'll have to face reality. When he's ready.
It's up to me now to pave the way for myself and to stop trying to make sure life is back to normal. Screw normal. Normal doesn't exist. Caleb Becker's family doesn't exist. I'm on my own now.
With a sigh of determination I step back in the room, snatch the lightsaber, shove it in the duffle, and head out. Leah is at the front door, blocking it. "Don't leave," she begs.
"Get out of my way."
"Mom and Dad need you, Caleb. I need you."
I give a short laugh. "Mom and Dad'll be just fine. They like living in denial. As for you ..." I take in her black attire. "You've got to get past the accident. Face the facts before people like Kendra make you face them. I can't protect you anymore. It's time to protect yourself."
I move around her and walk outside. I have no clue where I'm going or what to do, but I feel free. Tossing my duffle over my shoulder, I start walking. When I reach Maggie's house, I don't see her but I know she's inside.
I give her a goodbye salute and keep walking.
Mrs. Reynolds' gazebo is where I spend the cold, lonely night. When a shooting star flies above me as I stare up at the sky, I wonder if it's the old lady giving me a sign.
FORTY-FOUR
Maggie
Caleb kissed me last night at the basketball courts.
kissed him back. I still can't believe either of those things happened. I thought I was okay without needing him so much. I should have wiped off my lips and washed them with soap before I'd gone to bed, but instead I kept looking in the mirror. My lips are still puffy, a reminder of how Caleb's own lips were hot and demanding.
For years I'd imagined what kissing Caleb would feel like and taste like. To be honest, I wanted to push him away, to make him want me like I wanted him and to reject him like he rejected me.
But I couldn't.
All those feelings from my childhood came back, from the time Caleb urged me down from the tree in front of my house to the time he took the blame for that broken statue. I can't even forget the times he patted my back while I was crying to Leah about my parents' divorce. For the past year, the accident ruled my life and molded me into who I've become.
I've taken back my life.
Sitting on my bed, I pull up my pant leg. I notice that my heart is racing a little less as I scan the scars with my eyes. I used to think of them as angry scars, but now I don't see them as angry. They aren't even scary. I trace the lines with my fingers, and I don't even wish they'd disappear. They're a part of me.
I close my eyes, remembering the accident. It's so strange to think about that night without massive emotions running rampant through my veins. Through the darkness behind my lids, the image of Caleb driving the car that hit me is outlined in my head. But something doesn't feel right.
Chills run up and down my spine.
Because, as I shut my eyes tight, the image of the driver becomes clearer and the foggy haze dissipates.
It's Leah. A look of horror and fear in her eyes as she loses control of the car.
Leah was the one who hit me that night.
Not Caleb.
Why would he ... why would they ... ?
The doorbell rings while I'm still trying to sort it all out. My stomach is queasy. I want to throw up. But I can't, because my mother is calling me downstairs. I almost fall down as I greet a man and a woman wearing matching dark navy suits.
"Maggie, we're from the Illinois Juvenile Department of Corrections. We're here to investigate your complaint about Caleb Becker."