“Then tell me now? Maybe I understand why you don't even try to mend your friendship with Jazz again when I see the whole picture.” Her voice is calm but her eyes are pleading with me, and one thing I can never do, and that is refuse her anything she asks for. I sigh heavily, then pat the couch next to me and she quickly climbs over the back rest and sinks into the plush cushions.
Again I don't know where to start, and it doesn't get better as the more I think about it, the more memories and emotions threaten to come up from the dark place I've shut them all away in. Bella nudges my leg as if to tell me to just spit it out, and I decide that's probably the best idea. Again. After all, she knows enough that I don't have to chronologically order things.
“You know, I've always trusted him. Blindly. Too blindly, I know now, but until that day I never had any reason to doubt his loyalty. His friendship.
And it's not just that we always got along great, but there was a connection between us that's so hard to define, but it was there. I told you I had a crush on him – and before you start on that again, I really mean had, past tense – but I don't really know if that's a good description. There was something there, but it never felt even remotely like what I feel for you, so it was probably more like a ...” I cast around for words. “Yearning, for lack of a better expression. We were so close, we could talk about virtually everything, and I think it was probably just a need to take that to a more physical level.”
I can see that my words hurt her, but not the part about me wanting to f**k him, but the fact that I'm still reluctant to talk as freely with her as I used to with Jazz. But with him I never had to second guess or filter my words, because I knew I couldn't hurt him with anything I said.
“I mean it takes a lot for two guys who know each other that closely and who're both not entirely g*y to share a girl, and f**k each other. Sex complicates things, usually, but it worked, somehow. Or at least I thought it did. Now I just wish that I'd never let him talk me into having even one threesome with you.”
Bella cocks her head and her expression becomes unreadable, but she motions me to go on, so I don't dwell on that point.
“Don't get me wrong, I know that what we did hurt you a lot. And I'm glad that you managed to get over it. But you weren't the only one who was hurt that day.”
My voice becomes weirdly thick, but I force myself to go on and keep eye contact with her.
“I told you what nearly killed me was the pain in your eyes. It did. Seeing what I'd done to you was the worst thing that I ever felt, and I put all my efforts into taking that pain away again, any way I could think of. It was a problem that had a resolution, and we did resolve those issues, and I agree, in a twisted way the whole f**k up brought us closer together.
“But that aside, he hurt me, too. He abused my weakness, he violated my trust, of all the people in the world he was one of those who really knew me, and he used that knowledge to get to me. I could barely deal with that already, but then you had your talk with him, and the things you told me he said about me -”
I have to stop there to swallow, and for a moment I just want to curl into a ball and let go, but I can't, so I go on.
“I've come to terms with who I am and what I want a long time ago. I don't always like it, but I accept it. I know you love me not in spite of all that, but because of the man I am. And from all the people I call friends, Jazz is the one who knows all the gritty details, and who has known them longer than anyone else. I always thought he accepted me for who I am – with his usual jerk attitude, but you know how he is, he's only serious when it's bad, and that's never been the case. I mean I know he doesn't agree with everything, I know he's very uncomfortable about some of the things he knows I did, but I never thought that he only played that whole acceptance thing and in fact thinks I'm barely a step away from some kind of abusive monster.”
By the end of my speech my voice is only a hoarse whisper, and the look of compassion on Bella's face nearly makes me come undone. If we hadn't been fighting before, I would likely be a sobbing heap in her lap, but all the things we've spewed at each other tonight keep me moderately together.
“I don't think he really meant all that. It was just his last attempt to drive us apart.”
“But it makes sense!” I cry, my anger back in full force. “Back when the whole deal with Chelsea went down he barely said a thing, only called us a bunch of weirdos once, but ever since we hooked up he hasn't shut up about how rough I'm with you, that I'm pushing you too much, that he can't watch me do all that to you. He thinks you're some kind of fragile flower that can't speak up for herself and that what I do is borderline abusive! Why do you think we didn't do anything even remotely kinky in the last two threesomes? And don't tell me he's just not into it because I know he likes it rough, I've had plenty of opportunity to see him in action, and until it was about you, he's never had any objections to throw a girl onto the bed and f**k her within an inch of her life!”
I have no idea why that bothers me so much as it plays into my hands, after all it was one of Bella's reasons to be happy the whole group thing was over because she felt that the dynamics were off. Her face is back to that unreadable mask, but I figure that's mostly because she simply doesn't like it when I talk about what we were up to before her, which I understand. I normally try not to mention it, but she deserves to know the truth.