Thinking about her words, I come to the usual conclusion that Rose should have gone into psychology rather than photography, but then she'd probably drive half of her clients to commit suicide with her insensitivity.
"Do you think it should be? That easy, just be happy and forget about what happened?"
"Not forget, E, forgive. Her, not him, I mean. Let her be something more than the clingly, dependent eye candy on your arm. You love her for the person she is, well, Jazz formed her like no one else. If you cut his influence off, will you still want the Bella that's left behind? You can't separate them without her hurting, can you say for yourself that you don't care? That you'd rather have her hurting but with you as the only man in her life, or you swallowing some of your pride so she can be happy with you the only man in her bed?"
Rose's tone tells me already that she knows that she has won. Keeping Bella from harm is the one argument that will beat everything else. And it's only then that I really see what Bella meant last night. She loves me enough to do what Rose just asked me to do - put her own happiness behind that of the person she cherishes above everything else - and I know I can't ask of her to do that. As much as everything in me is screaming to have Bella all to myself and completely removed from the influence of that bastard, I know I would put myself at the same step as him in doing so. It would be a manipulative move, aimed to alleviate my own insecurities while ignoring what she really wants. And I'd rather kill myself than do that.
Again.
"You still there?" Rose asks, her voice now soft. I nod, then sigh when I realize she can't see it.
"Sure."
"I guess your silence means my words have struck a chord."
"Or ten," I agree. She chuckles, but it's a sad sound.
"Guess that's what you needed? And the reason why you kept me from keeping myself well fed?"
"Like you ever stopped eating those gherkins!"
Now she's laughing again, but when she goes on her voice is still full of compassion.
"I can only say so much before it gets cheesy, but I think you need to get your priorities straight. Letting her see the big picture in all its gritty details was the first step. Now the ball's in her court, she has to make up her mind.
If you keep pushing her you'll always wonder if her decision was really her own. Do you want to live for the rest of your life wondering if what you perceive as happiness is only a compromise she made because you're more important to her than her own happiness is? I know, it's a stalemate, either way you're going to have to bite the bullet, but you know you got yourself into this situation when you got a little more gropey than you should have."
I hate it that of all the people, the woman I least want to f**k is the one who sees right through my shit. Or maybe that's the reason she has that uncanny knack.
"Thanks, Rose, I think I needed to hear that."
Another snort.
"Sure you did, sugar. And you know, if you ever feel like wanting to know my real opinion, you have but to ask."
She's told me that very thing several times since the shit hit the fan, and I have to admit, today I'm more tempted than ever to take her up on her offer. While judgmental as hell, Rose has been oddly objective about the whole mess, helping me sort through the repercussions, but until now I've never asked her what she really thinks about the problem that started all this.
"Do you think I need to hear that, too?"
Rose hesitates, and the following sigh doesn't really sound very reassuring.
"Let me be frank, Edward, as things are right now I don't think either of you would accept my opinion, so for the sake of our friendship, no. But if you're curious, I'm happy to impart more wisdom on you."
My beeper goes off and answers the question for me.
"As much as I'm tempted, I need to go. As always, thanks."
"You're welcome! After all your sex life is more entertaining than any sitcom I've watched in the last ten years!"
I laugh and am about to shut my phone off, but hesitate.
"You still there?"
"Sure, why?"
Shoving my tray one-handed into the intended cart, I speed up my steps as I make my way towards the ER.
"One question. Your opinion, I guess your reluctance to tell me means it doesn't just involve Bella and me?"
Rose chuckles, and it's a nasty sound.
"As much as I like her, it sure doesn't involve Alice."
Which, I guess, says it all anyway.
"Thanks, Rose."
"You're welcome. Now don't botch anything just because you've got your panties in a twist."
"Who says I'm wearing any?"
Her laugh is the last thing I hear before I end the call and shove my way through the swing doors into the ER, letting the bustle of people draw my attention away from my own thoughts. I know that her words will haunt me for days anyway, might as well ignore them until the end of my shift.
Chapter 12
Life resumes. Not as I have planned before last weekend, but as usual, the world doesn't stop turning just because I feel like I should really get my head checked.
Any ideas that Bella and I have discussed before are moot, at least for the time being. She's pretty busy throughout the whole week, as am I, and we don't really feel like doing either of the two scenes we've been talking about. I can tell that she thinks I'm too emotionally unstable as it is so she doesn't want to make me feel even more vulnerable by subbing to her, and I honestly prefer to spend what time we have snuggled up rather than exerting ourselves in the playroom. It doesn't happen often that my taste goes for vanilla over kink, but the fact that Bella doesn't seem to mind is balm on my tortured soul. For all her still present insecurity that her more limited interests aren't the best match for mine it's good to see that vice versa she's not just with me because I'm willing to tie her up and spank her soundly. Whoever thinks it's only the subs who have that kind of trouble has never been in love. Because, quite frankly, nothing like strong feelings screws with your head that way.