I don’t know how everyone else is feeling, but I don’t feel cool. I scratch at my palm with my free hand. I felt brave walking over here, and braver when Theo grabbed my hand, but my stomach is turning because we’ve reached the point of no return. I’m ready to reach for my earlobe when everyone breaks into smiles.
Russell laughs. “That’s it? I thought you were trying to leave the party to hang out elsewhere. Poor Wade looks miserable. The answer would’ve been no, but I’m more than fine with you two dating.”
Ellen hooks her arm inside Russell’s, patting his shoulder. “Theo, I thought you finally hacked your way into some network you have no business touching and forced Griffin to be your accomplice.”
“A likely scenario,” Theo says. “Fair.”
My mom does this weird shoulder bounce I’ve never seen her do before, and it might be the happiness of a mom seeing her son dating, but I’m not a fan. “I’m coming in for a hug.” She hugs both Theo and I at once. “I didn’t think this day would come for years. I’m so excited.”
Once my mom backs away to hug Theo’s parents, my dad hugs Theo.
“Good choice, Theo,” Dad says. Then he comes to me and, yup, another hug. “No more sleepovers, but I’m happy for you both.”
The hugging and awkward compliments about how cute we are finally come to an end. I feel lightheaded. Theo and I return to Wade, who’s already laughing.
“The hugging quota for sons coming out is maxed out,” Wade says.
“Seriously,” I say.
Wade stares at his phone. “I guess this is actually happening,” he says. “You came out to each other, made out, banged out, and now came out to your parents. You’re as out as it gets.”
“Thanks for the recap,” Theo says.
“I guess I accept this. Get together, guys. Picture time.” Wade stands and aims the phone at us.
Theo and I wrap our arms around each other’s waists. “Smile or no smile?”
“Smile this time,” I say.
All the important people in our lives know about us. Best friend, parents. Theo and I already talked about what comes next. We’re pretty sure we’ll go public online sometime this summer, but we’re not in as big a rush to do so—not anymore. My biggest priority right now is framing the last photo Theo and I took as best friends beside the first photo we’ve taken as boyfriends.
TODAY
Tuesday, November 21st, 2016
You died on an odd day, and we’re burying you on one, too.
It’s drizzling, but you’re tucked away inside your closed casket. The line to place flowers on you is moving, footprints sinking into the muddy grass of the cemetery where we’re going to be forced to leave you. I remembered to bring the white calla lilies this time.
We gather in a circle as you’re lowered into the ground.
I think about alternate universes as we lay you to rest in this one. There are billions, trillions, existing all at once: one where we never broke up and you stayed in New York, one out of reach from oceans that have it in for you, one where we both moved to California for school, one where you quit school and left animation and Jackson behind because you missed me so much, one where we met halfway somewhere because you wanted me not only to be your future but to help you find it, one where we’re the sole survivors of the zombie-pirate apocalypse . . . countless more where things are right, maybe with some touches of wrong. But in them all, you and I are more than history. I have to believe these universes exist; it’s the only way to manage the suffering here. Alternate versions of me are perfectly happy with alternate versions of you, because you’re alive. Alternate Theos all honor the promise you made never to die (not even at the hands of a zombie pirate).
But you’re being lowered into a hole. Your parents and Denise are freaking out. Jackson is crying, and his shoulders shift left to right, like he’s looking for someone—you—to cry on, until reality kicks his ass, too. Wade is standing with my parents, embraced by my mom. And I’m somehow on my knees. I was standing a minute ago, rocking back and forth, crying for my favorite person to bust out of the casket and hug me. I look up, and Jackson’s eyes find mine. For a second, it almost feels like we’re about to race into the hole to join you. Being buried alive has got to be better than whatever comes next.
This is the moment of the end. This is where we give up hope on reversing time, where we abandon finding a cure to death, where we live in this Theo-less universe, where we say goodbye.
But I can’t. It is goodbye for most, but not for me. Never me.
HISTORY
Thursday, July 17th, 2014
Our Squad Day was long overdue. We chilled at the High Line, the coolest park in the city. Central Park is fine and all, but it can’t really compete against an aerial urban railroad. There was tons of foot traffic along the gravel walkway, but the three of us managed to find this great spot on the grass, overlooking the Hudson River. We put together a puzzle of a chained dragon—something we would have done before Theo and me. We decide to walk back uptown, catching the sun falling lower and lower as we pass buildings, and as we get closer to home, I remember my mission. I wanted to wait until we were alone, but why shouldn’t Wade hear this, too?
“Still coming with me to buy condoms?” I ask Theo. It’s my first time buying them, and if Theo knows what’s good for him, he’ll go with me.
“You would need to find me a one-way ticket to an alternate universe where you walk around naked twenty-four/seven for me to miss this,” Theo says.