Dad sucks in his upper lip, which he normally does whenever he’s nervous he might say the wrong thing if he speaks too quickly. He looks directly at me. “Was that your first time?”
“Yup.”
“Good choice,” Dad says, turning red. “That came out wrong. Sorry, Theo. I’m trying to say sex means more when it’s with someone you care about.”
I know my dad had sex a couple of times before meeting my mom—I forget why it came up a couple of years ago, but it did—and it’s good to hear he feels this way. It just sucks that I have to be reminded of it right now, when all I wanted to do was buy condoms with my boyfriend and our best friend.
This silence is painful and awkward. Endless, too.
Theo points at a bottle behind my dad. “Hey, a shampoo that doubles as a conditioner.”
“Groundbreaking product, Theo!” Wade laughs. I can’t blame him for how much he’s loving this.
“I know you don’t need some birds-and-bees talk,” Dad continues. “Birds and birds? Maybe it’s bees and bees? I’m not sure if the bird or the bee is the boy in that idiom.” He gets lost trying to figure that out for a second before returning to earth. “I don’t know all the mechanics of same-sex sex, but I’ve been researching different forums lately, and I’m around to talk if you have any questions. Both of you.”
Researching? Jesus. “Okay,” I say, my eyes now glued to the scuffed linoleum floor. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Thanks, Gregor,” Theo says.
“Anytime,” Dad says.
Never again, please.
“I’m going to do you both a solid right now,” Dad says.
Maybe he’s going to do some Jedi mind trick to make everyone here forget this interaction ever happened. He gets back in line, grabs the condoms out of the bowl of chocolates, holds them up for us to see, approaches the cashier, and puts the condoms, cereal, and razors on the counter. I look around the store because I can’t bear to watch. I spot rat poisoning and the wheels of my superhero origin story begin spinning; I’ll drink some and will suddenly have the ability to become a tiny rat at will—a rat that doesn’t need condoms, a rat that can avoid the awkwardness of his father buying condoms for him.
Theo and I bolt for the exit. Wade strolls after us, beaming.
Outside, Dad offers me the plastic bag with our condoms, then switches to Theo before I can take it from him, then switches back to me, then back to Theo. I snatch the bag from him when it comes back my way.
“You coming home soon?” Dad asks.
I nod, staring at the ground again. “Probably not going to make eye contact with you for at least a decade.”
“Sounds fair. I’ll see you later. Good night, Theo.”
“Good night, Gregor.”
He walks off.
Wade slow-claps again. “Good going, guys. Do you think your dad is trying to figure out who’s the top and who’s the bottom yet?”
“Shut up,” Theo says.
I grab Theo’s arm, and the three of us walk in the complete opposite direction of my father. “I know it’s really early, but do you think I can move in with you? I’m never going back home. Unless your parents are going to hit you with a ‘bees and bees’ conversation sometime soon, too.”
“Nah, I got that birds and bees conversation when I was ten,” Theo says.
“I guess they didn’t suspect you only needed the bees talk, right? Or is it birds? Damn, my dad had a point there,” I say.
“Doesn’t matter. I like birds and bees.”
I grab Theo’s wrist and brake. “Come on, it’s me. You don’t have to keep up the act about the birds . . . or bees . . . damn it, you don’t have to fake interest in girls anymore.”
“I’m not faking interest,” Theo says. “I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you knew. I had crushes and stuff, though I guess I talked about that stuff more with Wade.”
Wade’s smile has vanished. He’s stone-faced now, which is actually great because I might flip out if he laughed at Theo and me about this. Getting caught by my dad while we’re buying condoms is one thing; feeling my relationship threatened is another.
“I figured those crushes were covers,” I say in the silence. I did the same thing he did; I thought girls were cool and everything, but I didn’t think I actually had the right heart to date them.
“Well, they weren’t.” Theo looks genuinely puzzled. “I’m sorry you got the truth mixed up. Why does it even matter? I’m dating you, Griff.”
I glance at Wade, but he’s glued to his phone. I don’t like that I didn’t know this essential truth about Theo. I know there’s more to him than I can ever capture and keep close to me, like his fleeting thoughts or his conversations with other people, but this is bigger. It’s so central to his heart, one of my favorite things about him—the way he loves me, the way he loves his parents and sister, the way he loves the squad, the way he loves discovering life’s mysteries and solving them.
This flips everything around, right?
I let go of his wrist. “It’s stupid, but it feels like more competition.” I feel like I’m going up against the entire world, that there’s no way I’m the absolute best fit for him on this planet. I at least thought I’d be able to see a new guy swooping in, but now I have to be suspicious of everyone. I have things I don’t want to know but have to know. “What’s your type? Girlwise.”