I’m not sure how I would answer this for myself. I only know what you would want me to do. “I think Theo would like that,” I say. It’s true. I know Jackson and I playing nice will make you happy, especially since we never got that right when you were alive. But agreeing to this still makes me nauseated.
“You’re right,” Jackson says. “He would’ve.”
“I can meet you at Theo’s. Give me twenty minutes.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in a bit.”
“See you.” I hang up.
Our conversation was three minutes and two seconds long. Better.
I force myself out of bed. Maybe something good will come from talking to Jackson. No one gets it, Theo. The guidance counselor assures me I’ll heal with time. My cousin thinks I’m too young to be in love. Wade doesn’t know anything about love. My parents thought I was in good-enough condition to go to dinner instead of letting me hide in bed underneath my covers. I know that’s not healthy; I’m not stupid. But you and I had plans. We didn’t have a map to reach our destination, and your detour with Jackson left me very lost. Still, I held hope we’d find our way back to each other. And then you died, and now I’m left wandering around with zero sense of direction. Talking to someone else who’s lost might help.
I throw my navy peacoat over your hoodie. I slip into some dark jeans and the worn-out, scuffed-up boots you bought me for my birthday this year—our inside joke on how stupid it feels to buy boots during May when it’s sneaker weather. Even though your call wishing me a happy birthday came a day late, the boots arrived on my birthday and they’re my favorite. Thanks again, Theo.
My dad is fading when I walk out into the living room. He snaps awake when he sees me out of the corner of his eye. My mom is already asleep on the couch’s armrest, her feet tucked between my dad’s legs. He pats her knee.
“I’m sleeping here,” she murmurs. She throws a sweater over her face and is a goner.
“Where are you going?” Dad asks. “It’s almost eleven thirty.”
“I’m meeting with—” I almost say your name. Whenever I was staying out late on weekends or non–school nights, all I had to do was tell my parents I was with you and I was home free. But I catch myself. “Jackson. I need to get out for a bit. He does, too.”
Dad lifts my mom’s leg off his lap and gets up from the couch, covering her with a decent blanket. “Did he call you?”
“Ellen gave me his number because he wanted to talk to me, so I called him.”
I can tell he’s surprised, if not concerned. “Want me to drive you guys somewhere? It’s supposed to snow again any minute now.”
“I’m in the mood for a walk, Dad. Is that okay?”
“Your phone is charged?”
I nod.
Dad hugs me. He makes me promise I’ll call him if I want to be picked up, and that I’ll answer whenever he calls. Yes, yes, yes, yes . . .
You’re going to watch me hang out with Jackson one-on-one. It feels unusual, something unrepeatable in one lifetime, like you’re on a rooftop with your two favorite people to watch Halley’s Comet streak across the sky. Except there’s no way you would’ve ever been able to have Jackson and me in the same place, not even for a comet. Instead, I’ll be walking the streets where we lived with someone who isn’t you, someone who was in love with you, too. Isn’t this the best of both worlds for someone who was torn between two boys?
HISTORY
Friday, September 26th, 2014
I have no guesses as to why the guidance counselor wants to meet up with Theo at the end of the day. I bump into Wade between classes, and he has no clue, either. He shrugs it off and says we’ll find out later, but it makes me feel small not knowing. Theo is happy, right?
It’s hard enough faking interest in seventh-period earth science. I need to know these differences between igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks and other stuff for weekly quizzes and Regents exams, but I swear I paid attention to 2 percent of this afternoon’s class. I was too anxious for Theo’s news. Once the final bell rings, I completely skip going to my locker and head straight to Theo’s, and I’m relieved seeing him there already.
“Hey,” I say, kissing him on the cheek. Everyone knows we’re dating, and it hasn’t been a big deal. A lot of our classmates spread throughout sophomore and junior year assumed we were dating back when we were still just best friends, and the freshmen crack that code easily because Theo and I arrive most mornings holding hands. It’s been really cool that our deans don’t give a damn. “What’s going on? We’re not waiting for Wade.”
“Clearly not,” Theo says, smiling. “I’m sorry for the suspense.”
“I’ve been totally fine,” I joke, loosening my tie.
“Right.” Theo stops unloading his bag and leans against his locker, a picture of us on the inside, pinned by a Tetris sticker. “The guidance counselor called me in to talk to me about early admission. Spoiler alert: I have kick-ass grades across the board. I’m even beating out some seniors this month in my AP classes. Ms. Haft even used the word ‘wunderkind,’ and it took all my will not to propose right then and there.”
“Wow. Uh, what has to happen for you to get in?”
“They want me to write an essay before November first to submit to colleges,” Theo says. “Ms. Haft thinks I should apply to Harvard, but I really like the animation program at Santa Monica College. I have to talk to my parents about where their finances are. Dude, I could be in California by this time next year.” He closes his eyes while he leans his head against his locker, smiling and lost in this dream where he’s free of me. “Isn’t this awesome?”