Is he in pain from the pushups?
Is he lying on the top bunk, or bottom?
Is he thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him?
"When Avi stayed at my house back in January, he never wore a shirt to bed. I loved staring at his abs and biceps. I would kiss him good night and he'd flash me one of his rare smiles as he pulled me close (of course this was when my dad wasn't hawking us and ordering me back to my room).
I don't have my cell phone with me to listen to his old voicemail messages. He left them when we broke up during his visit and he was as desperate as I was to get back together. I know those messages by heart, and repeat them in my head...
Did I tell you your eyes remind me of blown glass? I can see your soul through those eyes, Amy. They get darker when you're trying to be sexy and they shine when you smile. And when you think you're in trouble you blink double the amount that you usually do. And when you're sad, the corners of your eyes turn down. I miss your eyes.
I want to say something to you. Not because I want you to say it back, either, (insert deep breath here) /... I love you. It's not that kind of conditional love... it's the kind that'll be around forever. Even if you don't call. Even if you like Nathan or any other guy. We can befriends. We can be more. Just... call me back.
Did I mention when I first met you I was so attracted to you it scared me? Me, scared. I still am when I'm around you, because now I want you in my life forever. How long is forever, Amy?"
I wish his arms were around me right now, assuring me that this is just another bump in the road of our rocky but passionate relationship.
I fall asleep, thinking of the day when Avi will hold me all night long without parental (or military) interference.
Chapter 10
Lack of sleep has many, many negative consequences.
I'm dreaming that someone is turning on the lights and yelling in my ear.
"You have seven minutes to be dressed and outside! Bring your canteens!"
No, this isn't a dream. It's a nightmare. And I'm living it.
"I'm tired, Ronit. I just got to sleep," I hear Tori moan.
Her complaint is met by a "Yala, zooz!"
I hear some of the other girls talking, but instead of waking me up, the sound lulls me back to sleep.
"Amy, wake up!" Miranda says, shaking me like I'm the lulav branch during Sukkot.
"I'm up," I murmur.
"No, you're not. Come on! The guys from our unit are already outside."
I pull my pink silky pillow over my head. "I'm taking a mental health day."
"There are no mental health days in the military. Avi's there, too," she whispers in my ear.
I jump out of bed and give myself a nasty head rush. I strip off my PJs, strap on a bra, and get in my military uniform (which consists of an olive green button-down shirt and matching pants). I toss the matching floppy hat into my cubby because there's no way I'm wearing it, and slip on my new red high-tops. Opening my makeup case, I know I only have time for minimal application.
"What are you doing?" Tori asks with a stupid sneer on her face.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm putting on makeup."
Tori rolls her eyes. "Do you think you're going to a party?"
I sneer back, one of my famous sneers that beats hers hands-down. The only sneer that can rival mine is my cousin O'snot's.
I quickly apply eyeliner, mascara, and colored lip gloss while everyone scrambles around.
Once outside, with my canteen strapped on my shoulder like a very ugly purse, I get in formation while I watch Avi. It's still dark, but I can see him clearly in the lighted courtyard. He doesn't look tired; he doesn't look as if he's just woken up before God did. And today he's wearing a huge military vest with pockets, filled with ammunition or whatever military stuff he's supposed to carry. To top it off, he's got on a military backpack and his rifle. He looks as if he's about to go on some dangerous mission and is able, willing, and ready for war.
Nathan, on the other hand, looks horrible. He's got really bad bed-head, and is obviously super tired because his eyes are at half-mast.
Liron, with her ever-present big-ass rifle, asks Avi a question as she points to the papers on the clipboard she's carrying. He quickly glances at me, then nods to her.
I'm trying to concentrate on Ronit's lecture about time... something about time being important and how it could mean the difference between life and death in war. She says we have to move faster. But I'm not listening, because I'm too busy wondering what Liron and Avi were just talking about. Besides, someone needs to clue Ronit in that we're just civilian trainees on a "fun" summer program. The brochure didn't say anything about actually going into combat.
Sergeant B-S is mysteriously absent. I think he must be getting his beauty sleep. Avi, Nimrod, and three other Sayeret Tzefa trainees are in charge of our unit for this exercise. Ronit and Liron are coming along, too.
They make us stop by a big spigot coming out of the ground.
"Make a line and fill your canteens," Avi orders in a loud Israeli accent. He stands in front of the spigot, supervising, as we wait our turn to fill our canteens.
When it's my turn, Avi puts his hand on the small of my back. I swear that electrons or protons, or whatever they taught us in biology class is in your body, zing up my spine. This boy, this man, this soldier... one minor touch from him reminds me of the time we were in my car on the beach back in Chicago. There were no parents, no friends, no military commanders around, no rules... it was just the two of us. My mind wanders back to that night...