The sensible thing would be to apologize and tell her it won't happen again, but I'm too cranky to give in so easily.
“Melodramatic much? Yes, I admit, I haven't been the most sensible guy around, but I've been in very good company tonight.” Anger glints in her eyes.
“And just because everyone is jumping off the bridge, you're next?”
“If everyone is jumping, why do you blame me for joining in?” I can see that my line of reasoning doesn't sit well with her.
“I just don't get it, you know? For years you've never let anyone get to you like that, and suddenly you go off on the smallest of jibes. That's just not you.”
“Well maybe it was time I went off a little more then?” This is so going down, but I really don't know how to stop this conversation from escalating. It's incredibly frustrating, and I can see that Bella is struggling with the exact same problem.
“Look, I'll try to do better next time. Or just don't come with you, okay?
Happy now?”
“No, of course I'm not happy!” she sighs, then turns onto her back and rubs her eyes with the balls of her hands.
“Christ, this is so ridiculous! How could it ever come this far?”
“Do you really want an answer for that?”
She stills in mid-motion, then turns her head and looks at me.
“Actually, if you have an answer that's more sufficient than 'Duh!' I'd really like to hear it.”
Her tone is weirding me out a little, so serious that she sounds nearly solemn, but I'm too far gone to care whether this is a trap or not.
“Okay. But trust me, you won't like it.”
“Edward, I'm your girlfriend. Whatever is important enough for you to go all ape-shit crazy is something I need to hear.” As usual it rankles that she designates herself as my girlfriend, but I know the point is moot. And really, I'm already acting so much like a girl that I can't protest over this now unless I want her to kick me out and tell me to grow some.
“Good.” One word in, and I have to stop. Fuck, this whole mess is so complicated that it's hard to find a point where I can start explaining.
Months and months of bullshit to sort through don't just let themselves be explained in two sentences.
“Spit it out. I'm too tired for diplomacy anyway. Just tell me what got to you like that.”
I know she doesn't really want me to do that, but I appreciate her attempt. I still try to come up with something better, but after a moment decide to for once heed her words, verbatim.
“I just hate how you all are able to just forget what Jazz has done, while you shove all the blame at me.”
“No one does that.”
I glare at her. “Yeah, right. Ever listened to yourself?” My words clearly hurt her, but I quickly go on before she can respond.
“But it's not just you, have you listened to Alice of late? She's behaving as if we were mere acquaintances and not friends of over a decade. Whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say is frowned upon, while you both fall over yourselves to fawn over this jackass who doesn't deserve your forgiveness!
I won't say I haven't earned my share of scorn, but seriously, do you even realize how much your behavior hurts me?”
It feels oddly good to voice the words, even though I know that in so doing I'm hurting her in turn. The only indication that my guess was right is a slight tightening of her lips, but Bella's eyes remain trained on mine.
“And that makes you so hateful?”
“Not hateful,” I try to explain. “It's just unfair. It feels as if I took all the blame and ever since I try to redeem myself but no one even gives me a chance, while he doesn't have to worry about the consequences of his actions. And don't tell me that what he did compares in any way to what I did. You know that I will always be sorry for being so weak, but it was one moment of stupidity. I really don't want to sweet-talk what I did, but seriously, it's as tame as cheating goes, while he led me on, he seduced me, he planned this whole freaking thing to break us up and it took him f**king months to even apologize to you, that's in no relation to anything.” I kind of expect her to get angry with me now, but there's only sadness in her eyes when she reaches for me to cup my cheek in her hand. I turn my head a little and place a soft kiss onto her palm before I put my hand on hers, and for a moment just drink in the warmth of her closeness.
“Edward, please believe me, I know. I really do. But I can't change things.
Please don't make me choose between the two of you.” Her words make my heart stop for a moment, but even before I can open my eyes again she resumes talking.
“You know that I will always choose you. Because I love you, and you're my everything. But he's my friend, and except you he's the only other guy I feel that comfortable with. I've said it before but if you need to hear it again, I will never forget what he did. There are times when I get so mad at him that I have to control myself not to hunt him down and slap him until the pain goes away. But I can hold on to this anger, I can't make myself miserable forever just because he acted like the idiot we both know he sometimes is. I haven't forgiven him for his sake, but solely for my own, because I want to be whole, for you, I want to stop regretting things. It's in the past, and it should stay there. And I think you should do the same. I know, it's a lot to ask, but you're only hurting yourself.”