Not that I was into Connor because of his physical prowess. It sounded stupid to say I loved his mind, but I was into the way he read situations, considered strategies, and never jumped into Shifter mode at the first sign of trouble. He weighed options.
I just wished his heart had been as cautious before he'd announced Lindsey was his mate. Following the ancient tradition, he had a Celtic symbol representing her name tattooed on his shoulder.
I fought not to think about Connor and Lindsey standing together wearing only the ceremonial cloaks reserved for mates preparing for their bonding. I'd heard that going through a transformation together was an incredibly soul-binding experience. That it wasn't only the moonlight that caressed, that touched, that whispered—
Groaning, I banished the haunting images. I would suffer enough tonight without thinking about them and the attraction that would pull them into each other's arms.
I lifted my gaze to the star-filled sky. The moon that guided our destinies was high overhead. I should start to feel something at any minute.
As a rule, no one ever discussed their first transformation. It was as private as the loss of your virginity. But I'd felt as though I had no choice but to seek advice on what to expect. So I'd spoken with Kayla, who had survived her first shift during the last full moon. She'd told me that it had felt as though the moonlight was actually touching her, coaxing her beast to reveal itself.
Concerned that I'd be going through this alone since no guy had ever shown an interest in me, I'd been prepar ing all year. I'd built up my stamina by running every morning. I'd strengthened my muscles using weights. I'd disciplined my body for this incredible moment. When my beast burst forth, I'd tame it, gain control of it. I could hardly wait.
If I survived, I'd move into the realm of legend. I would confirm that guys weren't the only ones who could survive going through this alone. That idea was so sexist anyway. Let's move into the twenty-first century already. Our kind had some really archaic customs. But I was seventeen, liberated, ready to embrace my destiny. Even if that destiny didn't include Connor.
I closed my eyes and imagined how it might have been if he was here. We'd be standing so close that the breeze wouldn't be able to pass between us. He would cradle my face with his large hands. Very slowly he would move in to kiss me. We wouldn't rush the moment. Then his lips would brush over mine as a deep growl rumbled up from his chest. His beast would call to mine and mine would answer with a softer sound. We would embrace, riding the wave of pleasure and pain, and then we'd transform together.
Thoughts of him not connected to Lindsey brought me comfort as I waited. If I pretended I wasn't alone, maybe I could conquer the pain that would soon envelop me.
Why didn't it come—while I was prepared to face it? Before the doubts I'd been holding at bay began to creep back in?
The ability to transform was mine by birthright, passed from parent to child through our DNA. But as my time had drawn near, I'd begun to have disturbing dreams. In them, I stared at the moon, waiting for it to keep its promise. But it, not me, shifted. It became the sun and I remained human.
Kayla had said that she could sense the change coming long before her birthday, before she even knew she would have the ability to transform, but I'd felt nothing. When the caterpillar is enclosing itself in a cocoon does it know that it'll emerge as a butterfly?
I knew that I would emerge from this night as a wolf, but I didn't feel it. Fear gripped me. I felt the way I'd always felt, like a human, like a Static—our derogatory term for those beings who didn't have the ability to shift.
But I was a Shifter. My parents were Shifters. I'd grown up surrounded by Shifters.
I tried to will the change to come, but tonight the moon called the shots. After that, I'd be able to change at will. But for now, I had to tamp down my impatience, and that was almost impossible. I wanted so badly to be a full-fledged Dark Guardian. They were the protectors of our kind. Knights. The ones who handled any enemies who might want to attack us. Right now we had an incredibly dangerous enemy threatening to destroy us and the time for the final confrontation was quickly approaching. I wanted to be in the thick of it.
I wanted to cast off my novice status. Tonight that would happen. Once I shifted.
I opened my eyes. The moon seemed lower in the sky. But that couldn't be. I hadn't noticed any tingling. Maybe it had happened without me feeling anything, but when I looked down, I was still human. Still a girl. Not the wolf I'd always envisioned I'd be: the wondrous creature that lived deep inside me.
No, no, no.
Maybe I needed to be standing. I jumped to my feet and outstretched my arms toward the sky. I wanted to call out to someone, something—
I heard a distant howl echo through the night. The voice was one I'd never heard before. Was that Lindsey?
No' This absolutely couldn't be happening. I wouldn't let it happen.
I ran as though I could catch up with the quickly disappearing moon, as though I could somehow…
What? Touch it? Make it reach its zenith again?
I crumpled to the earth and felt the hot tears coursing down my cheeks. It wasn't fair. But it was what I'd always feared. Why else would Connor look at me and not see his mate? Why else wouldn't he know that I was his destiny? Why had he settled for stupid Lindsey?
I'd always felt that something was lacking in me. I had always felt as though I was on the edge of everything, the outsider desperately wanting to be accepted by the clique. Oh, people acknowledged me, but there was always a distance. Don't get too close, Brittany. You're one of us, but you're not connected to us. The girls will talk to you, but never confide in you. They will befriend you, but never invite you into their most intimate inner circle. Our males will fight beside you, but never be drawn to you. No one, no one had ever asked me out on a date. No one had ever kissed me. No one had ever looked at me with heat in his eyes.
Did I not change because a guy wasn't with me? That made no sense. It was the moon that changed us. The moon that called us. I bent my head back and howled—
But it wasn't the cry of a wolf. It was the anguished shriek of a girl. A human.
A human whose soul was cracking and whose heart was breaking.
I wasn't a Shifter.
I, Brittany Reed, was nothing.
TWO
I didn't remember falling asleep. My last memories were of me screaming until my throat was raw and my fists pounding the earth until my hands ached. But exhaustion must have claimed me at some point because I woke up and stared at the sunlight dancing over the leaves.