But now his anger-laced words caused horrible scenarios to rush through my mind. Had Bio-Chrome captured Lindsey? Was the trap I'd discovered only one of many? Had they killed her? Was that the reason that Connor was alone? Was he in mourning? Or had she not transformed? Had something been wrong with the moon? For the first time in days, I grasped tightly to a miniscule of hope that the full moon—and not me—had been the aberration.
"Heard what?" I asked quietly.
Then I noticed the white bandage peering out beneath the sleeve of his T-shirt. We didn't often sport bandages. In wolf form, Shifters could heal amazingly fast—unless the wound had been inflicted by silver or the bite of another lycanthrope. Then the process took forever and left a scar. Our healing abilities were one of the things that made us attractive to Bio-Chrome. Even in the heat of battle only the worst of wounds could slow us down, because we continued to heal, providing us with a living sort of armor.
"You're hurt," I whispered, and in spite of my best intentions, I reached out and trailed my fingers near the bandage. I felt his firm muscles quiver and ripple beneath my touch. I'd never deliberately touched him. His skin was smooth and warm. I wanted to know the feel of his face, his neck, his chest…I wanted to know what everything about him felt like.
"Rafe." He said the one word as though it should explain everything.
Rafe was a Dark Guardian, part of our pack, part of our sherpa team. He was as dark-haired, as dark-complexioned as me. He'd grown up with us, fought beside us against our enemies. He was as loyal to our kind as any of us. "Rafe bit you?"
Connor snorted, and I could sense the anger now rolling off him in waves. "I bit him back. Wish I had rabies. It would serve him right."
"I don't understand, Connor. Where's Lindsey? What happened?"
"Rafe challenged me for her."
"What? You mean wolf to wolf?" A challenge was never made lightly. Tradition had it that when one wolf challenged another, it was a fight to the death.
"Yeah."
"Oh my God' But you're her mate. You declared her; she accepted you." It was always the girl's right to not choose the guy who had declared her his mate. But I'd never known it to happen. "You've been together for as long as—"
"Yeah, well, apparently I chose wrong."
He continued to look forward, as though he were embarrassed, or maybe he just didn't want me to see in his eyes the depth of his rejection and loss. I knew he was hurting. It was evident in every muscle of his body. He'd always loved Lindsey. Would it make him feel any better if I told him that I loved him? I didn't think so. I couldn't replace what he'd thought he lost.
"I'm sorry." And I was. This was exactly what I'd always wished for, but now that it had happened—I felt guilty, as though my wishing for it had somehow made it happen, had brought him this pain.
"Not your fault. It's just the way it is, but it's still hard to swallow, you know?"
"I know."
He turned his head to look at me directly. Even with the moonlight I couldn't see the blue of his eyes that were a shade darker than mine, but what I could see surprised me. He wasn't sad. He looked as though he was disgusted with himself. Then he shook it off, as though he didn't want to reveal so much. What replaced it surprised me even more. I saw admiration. "I see you survived your full moon. I can't believe you took off on your own. That took guts. I mean, no one has ever doubted your courage, but what you did went above and beyond."
Guilt gnawed at me because he was praising me when I so didn't deserve it. I wanted to tell him the truth. The burden of what I was—or wasn't—was so hard to bear but I was afraid he'd be appalled by the reality of what I was. How could he not be?
We had never, ever, allowed a non-Shifter into our inner circle. Standing there I was confused about what I truly was: a Shifter who somehow the moon had passed by but would return for later or someone who would never be anything more than she was at that precise moment.
If it was the latter, what was the point in existing at all? How could I protect the Shifters if I wasn't one of them? But I couldn't turn my back on them either.
I eased away from him and stared at the water, the way the moon reflected off it and made it prettier than it was during the day. "It was no big deal." Especially since nothing happened.
"Hey, like all guys, I went through it alone. It's brutal."
"I don't want to talk about it. It was a totally private experience."
"Got it."
I didn't know why I was disappointed by his response. I guessed I wanted him to care enough to prod the truth out of me.
"Did you know Lindsey liked Rafe?" he asked.
"She mentioned him a couple of times." It had always irritated me when she did. If Connor had been mine, I'd have never even looked at another guy. My voice had a hard edge when I said, "I never thought she appreciated you. You're better off without her."
He barked out his harsh laughter. "Typical Brittany. You're never afraid to say what you're thinking. I've always admired that about you."
If I'd died right at that moment, I would have died happy. Connor had admitted that he admired something about me? Me? I felt like smiling and laughing when I hadn't thought I'd ever again feel like doing either. I wanted to tell him that there was a lot about him that I liked and admired but the moment wasn't right.
While I didn't say anything, silence settled in between us and other communication was going on. We were gazing into each other's eyes, and I wondered if he was seeing me—truly seeing me—for maybe the first time. He seemed lost in thought—and I wished I could read his mind. I tried not to let my eyes reflect the depth of feelings I held for him. I was still a little too vulnerable from the moon's betrayal to risk my heart with Connor at that moment. But I wasn't afraid to meet his gaze, to hold it. Then his gaze dropped to my lips and they began to tingle. Was he thinking about kissing me?
As much as I wanted him to, I didn't want him to kiss me until he was over Lindsey. I wasn't going to serve as a rebound girl. Still, I seemed unable to stop myself from licking my lips, from anticipating a kiss, from imagining how warm and wonderful it would be.
As though coming out of a trance, Connor gave his head a little shake before he dropped it back and stared at the night sky. "I need to run." His voice was raspy, sexy. He cleared his throat. "So, do you want to run with me?"